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Who is to blame?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kaish, Aug 18, 2012.

  1. Kaish

    Kaish Well-Known Member

    So after this happened, I seriously wanted to <edit NyJmpMaster - methods>. I honestly am so close to my breaking point, and actually last month, I had set the 20th as the day I end my life. While I no longer am following through with those steps, it has turned this month into an emotional one.

    I was in a minor car accident a couple nights ago that destroyed my front left tire. Since then have gotten a replacement 'temporary' tire. I have been told not to drive on the freeway or to go over 50mph. I have been super careful - taking the back roads, almost stopping for speed bumps, only driving it as far as I need. The difficult thing is that I have friends in town. In the past no one has cared about me driving them places, even though it would save them money and I would offer, but this time around they want me to drive them places. I don't mind, but because of the temporary tire I am afraid to drive, not to mention the stress from the accident. It feels like this nightmare where I cannot turn the page, and tonight added to that nightmare. I have lost my confidence when it comes to driving and in a sense am afraid to.

    Today I got to where we were meeting. I was feeling good because I would have a good time and then get my tire fixed and this nightmare would be over!! Well, one of the first things they say is that they want to go to a restaurant that requires us to drive. There was eight of us, and only two of us have cars. They look at me and ask if I would be okay driving. I told them I don't really want to, but I can - I am horrible at saying no. So the bigger group leaves to their car and me and my two close friends leave to my car. I'm feeling so stressed out because this is the last thing I want to do. I eventually ask them how important this is, because I don't want to go, but I will if they really want to. They first said we don't have to, but then they kept asking me questions about ways to make it happen, but I just really didn't want to go. Period! I hate being the one that interferes with something, so I was going to tell them to go and I would meet up with them afterwards, but I knew they would not go for that. I just felt like I was not good enough. I wanted to have a good time and did not want to stop it from happening, but I just could not give what was needed.

    We talked for about fifteen minutes about what to do. I knew they wanted to go - otherwise why would be debating for so long? We get to a point where it is just me and my best friend. She looks me in the eye and says, "Honestly, what do you want to do? I don't care. I just want to spend time with you." So I tell her how I don't want to go. Our friend eventually comes back and my friend tells him that I do not want to go. Guess what happens? We debate some more. At this point I was in complete regret for saying that I did not want to go. The ideal response from them would have been, "Okay. That's okay. We don't have to go. Let's walk around and find somewhere close to eat." That is what I wanted, but now that I think of it, how do you tell a person that does not want to go that you want to go? I knew that they wanted to go, so I said a few times that it means something to them, so we should go, but then they would say that they don't want to if I do not want to.... but then they would try to find a way to make it happen without me having to drive. Arrrgggh!!! I think to a degree I wanted to go at that point!

    We ended up eating somewhere close, but we ended up ending the night early. I felt like they were trying to get rid of me. They kept saying how they were walking me to my car, two times I said I am not ready to go home yet, and I mentioned how I was going to stay until the auto shop opens, but they kept insisting that they walk me to my car. I eventually gave up, because I started thinking that they want to spend time without me. They took me to my car. I got in. Waited a few minutes. Got out and went back to the shopping area. I mean, who knows. Perhaps they were tired, but it did seem like they were having a good time together and wanted to continue the night without me. As we walked to my car, we walked past an emotional spot for me and I teared up. I did my best to hide it, but they noticed and said how they're not mad and I shouldn't feel bad, but again, how do you tell someone they ruined your night? When I got home three hours after they dropped me off, I posted a message saying that someday I'm going to be the girl I want to be. One of my friends that I was with replied to that with some encouraging words. Which of course means he was up. I mean, I don't know if they spent time together after ditching me or if they did go their separate ways and he used a few hours to wind down. I don't mind that, I just wish they would've said they were calling it a night, instead of insisting that I go to my car.

    I feel frustrated by the whole thing because I think about if this accident never happened. Than I would' have no problem and we would probably be having the best time. I also think about how today would have been avoided had I gotten it fixed the day after the accident. I cannot blame myself because of circumstances beyond my control, but in a sense I am mad at my body for not being able to push harder. I am giving all I have and attempt my best to take care of things both in my life and to spend time with my friends. They live out of state and usually are only in town for a week, two times per year. They seem to do things that I cannot. Our sleep schedules are off, but we all go to bed around 6AM, but for them they're out and about doing stuff at 2PM. I on the other hand have the choice of getting up in a state of stress, or sleeping a little more until I feel okay. I've attempted to go without sleep, but I am no longer able to do that. I want so hard to enjoy the time with them, but it is not going well. I'm also thinking about the day we have to say goodbye, which is on Monday.

    I feel in life I have just started hitting my peak and I had an amazing night with these friends, but I feel like I have come up short. That I will not be able to make up for these incidents. I hate that my best is not good enough. Yesterday one of the friends was talking about an ex that he use to date who was "messed up" because she use to self harm. I self harm. Does that mean people see me as weak? People do not know, but they know I am emotional. It scares me to think about what people say about me. Who knows, my two friends could have been talking about me after they 'ditched' me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2012
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

  3. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    no i don't think so.