I'm severely depressed as it is but this is just pushing my mood to a different level. I've been humiliated in just about every way possible in middle school...there was a plan of 15 people I didn't even know to attack me and stab me. And guess who called all these people? A great fex-friend that had a little fued with me over something out of my control. Someone who heard about the plan and apparently liked me or felt for me went to the principal and stopped it. I was ridiculed in a way that did not only involve me but family too. I was on the verge of killing myself and I used to cut myself (not regulary) so I couldn't even stand up to defend myself. I had some many problems OUTSIDE of school, very serious issues, so I remember one time I actually cried and walked out of school. WHAT THE FUCK. That's so embarassing to me to this day. I don't ever cry. I hate my life but I don't cry, I'm just bitter. But that one time... how embarassing. I feel like such a pussy about that. Talk about letting others win, showing how weak you are, etc. I severed ties with a good friend of mine who did absolutely nothing wrong because of that. I couldn't handle her image of me. I didn't want her to feel sorry for my weakness or have this bad perception of me... I just ignored her. The 2 friendships I formed in middle school went to hell.
I moved away and started in a new high school and no made fun of me. It started out well. I was friends with some people in the beginning which is totally different for me but nothing lasted. I'm a senior now. I gained no personal experience from this school, no friends whatsoever.
So, yeah, facebook.. how fucking depressing to see those same people that took a dump on you every single day (or the people who had this perception you were weak) happy and smiling, in events, in parties. Those that laughed at you for being a loser somehow get to live good lives (and don't give me that I don't know what everyone is going through.. they sure find the time to have a good time and have fun and be extroverted, socialize, have a bunch of bimbos go "ooh you're so hot loveeeeee uuuuu xoxoxoxoxo" etc). People that wanted to stab you are now all happy. The weaker ones have changed their image and evolved in those years... they have friends, are no longer insecure taking pictures, partying, socializing. Even the "weird" ones have found their group of friends. I'm seemingly the ONLY ONE who's so stuck. I feel "faded"... gone. It's a horrible feeling. I turned out as people had expected. I let others win and design my current personality. All this bitterness and hate wouldn't have been so strong if it weren't for that period of time... all kinds of humiliation. This is why I've been stuck in the same place. I don't see it ever get better.. it's much harder to meet new people and go out of your shell when you don't have that much confidence. Every activity you're out to do on your own fails.
This is probably the longest thing I've written in MONTHS. Kudos if you actually go through that...
I moved away and started in a new high school and no made fun of me. It started out well. I was friends with some people in the beginning which is totally different for me but nothing lasted. I'm a senior now. I gained no personal experience from this school, no friends whatsoever.
So, yeah, facebook.. how fucking depressing to see those same people that took a dump on you every single day (or the people who had this perception you were weak) happy and smiling, in events, in parties. Those that laughed at you for being a loser somehow get to live good lives (and don't give me that I don't know what everyone is going through.. they sure find the time to have a good time and have fun and be extroverted, socialize, have a bunch of bimbos go "ooh you're so hot loveeeeee uuuuu xoxoxoxoxo" etc). People that wanted to stab you are now all happy. The weaker ones have changed their image and evolved in those years... they have friends, are no longer insecure taking pictures, partying, socializing. Even the "weird" ones have found their group of friends. I'm seemingly the ONLY ONE who's so stuck. I feel "faded"... gone. It's a horrible feeling. I turned out as people had expected. I let others win and design my current personality. All this bitterness and hate wouldn't have been so strong if it weren't for that period of time... all kinds of humiliation. This is why I've been stuck in the same place. I don't see it ever get better.. it's much harder to meet new people and go out of your shell when you don't have that much confidence. Every activity you're out to do on your own fails.
This is probably the longest thing I've written in MONTHS. Kudos if you actually go through that...