Growing up, my dad was always my best friend, my rock, my #1. But I stressed him out too much, when my mental disorders blew up & took over who I was. So, 2 months ago- he walked out. he just left. I wouldn't talk to or see him for a few days at a time & that took a huge toll on me. I was left with my mom, who I never really had a relationship after the abuse I went through. We found out he has been cheating on my mother & he was taking $400+ a day out of their shared bank account, after he spent all the money he had in his secret account. he put all his money towards his new favourite person, who came before his kids/family on his priority list. He lied straight to my face for multiple weeks, feeding me lie after lie, and I trusted him so I believed every word he said. which just ended up hurting me more in the end. He's not the same dad I used to know, he's changed & I don't like it. All I do is fight with him anymore and cry constantly because I'm lost without him. it pushed me into a whirlwind of self-destruction. My drug use escalated, my drinking escalated, my self-harm escalated, and I attempted to take my life more than once during this whole thing. They took away all my coping methods (even though they weren't good, they helped), so I don't understand how they expect me to make it out of this alive. He doesn't understand how much he's hurt me & he doesn't realize how tall and thick I built my walls towards him. He came back to my mom & is kissing her ass, but I can't just let him back in that easily. I need to protect myself. He hasn't even apologized once. He blames it all on me. it's all my fault. He left because of me, we fight because of me, everything is my fault. I don't want to be here anymore going through this drama. I'm still a teenager, I need to be able to live happily, not block everybody out to prevent getting hurt more than I already have. I don't understand why everybody expects me to be perfectly okay with all of this. I'm not okay at all an I doubt I ever will be. I lost my best friend, the only person who helped me keep my feet in the ground, I lost my daddy & I'm scared he's never coming back. but all I know, is that if he doesn't, I won't be able to handle it.