When you are getting so many mixed messages - who do you believe? I just don't know what to think any more. People are so quick to tell me what to think - morally, appearance-wise, issue-wise...just everything. I know this sounds stupid. But I was reading a magazine today (The Mail On Sunday's "You" magazine, which is brilliant), and it was "The Shape Issue", telling you how to "look great whatever your shape" and what guys really think of girls with curves and whatnot. And in that same magazine you have "I've heard the curious rumours that some women like to keep their men fat in the hope that they'll be less attractive to predatory females. Maybe men do the same with women. Welsh warbler Charlotte Church loves her urves, and her boyfriend Gavin Henson encourages her to eat, revelling in her hourglass shape. She might be all woman right now, but will he still appreciate her when she's knocking on size 20? On the other hand, would the partners of Nicole Richie and Victoria Beckham leave them if they got too thin? I think not. Because, as every celebrity knows, you can never be too thin, even if it kills you..." I realise that this sounds like another one of my insecure rants. And to some extent it is, but it's not the same as the others. I'm not saying "I don't believe you" right now, I'm *wondering* what I should believe. Should I believe the people who don't know me, who have no reason to lie but only know what I'm like in the one snapshot of time when I ask them? Or should I believe the people who know me best, even though they have more reason to lie to save my feelings? The thing is, the people who know me best, most of them have never actually met me. They see me through photos or webcam. Or should I believe my mother, who takes pride in saying she never lies? Or should I believe those people who see me online, who never met me, never speak to me, just see me - minus the face - and say nice things, and is that only because they DON'T see my face, because no one in real life has ever shown any indication of thinking those kind of things, or anything like that. I can't even believe what *I* believe anymore, because people keep telling me it's wrong, I deserve more than that. Sometimes I can look in a mirror and think, yeah, ok, it's not horrible. And sometimes I don't want to look at all. A couple years ago there was one girl, and she destroyed me and my thoughts so much that it brought me here. After over a year of battle I vowed never to give anyone that much power over me again. But no one needs that power, because I have it in myself. Just trying to keep it in check. I don't know. Because there's me and the little voices in my head that repeat what people have said; there's the people on NN who say how great my body is; there's the people in real life who just walk past me without a second look, and the ones who are obvious in pointing out to their friends and muttering under their breath, "the short, fat one"; and then there are the people online who I love and who know how much I struggle with this sometimes; and then at the end (or perhaps the beginning of it all) there is my mother, with her "you need to pluck your eyebrows again", "you should wear makeup", "if you don't stop eating so much you'll end up the size of a house"... I don't know. People judge so many ways, and I don't know who to believe. I don't know what is the truth any more.