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who really care?....... not me!!

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who really cares?....... not me!!

I'm just venting, Dont EXPECT anyone to reply, dont WANT anyone to reply, dont NEED anyone to reply!! this is purely for my own benefit, just to clarify my own thoughts, to get it down in writing. Sort of like the final stage if you know what i mean? Probably not, my head is a mess!
What the hell is happening to me? I really really dont know myself anymore.
My every waking thought is about suicide and i mean EVERY waking thought. It doesnt seem to be in my control anymore, I mean I cant help myself, whether I want to die or not isnt in my control anymore, I just KNOW its gonna happen soon!! I dont know if anyone can understand this or if i truly am losing it. Its not so much that i want to die anymore its more like i HAVE to die. I cant stop myself:blub:
I only got out of the hospital again last night after taking a lot of tablets, what makes me sick is that it was almost automatic! I didnt mean to do it! I just couldnt help myself:ohmy: While I was there I saw the crisis team, they said i was very vulnerable whatever thats supposed to mean!! One of the team is coming to my home today to see me at 4pm, dont think i can wait that long to be honest. I have a huge stash here and i am trying very hard not to take the lot and i mean everything i have in the house in one go! Why? Why? Why? God, I'm a complete nut job!! What is happening to me?
Anyway i got home from the hospital last night and straight away it started again. I asked my youngest daughter to make me a cup of tea and, she said NO, straight out just like that! I asked my son to go to the shop and, he said NO, straight out just like that! My eldest daughter went up to her room as soon as i got home and didnt come down again til she was going out. Then she just went straight back up to her room again without a word. Not one of them has asked me if i am ok! Why am i here? no reason i can see, I am surplus to requirements. Add to it the fact that one of them took £10 out of my purse last night. It's just too much, I cant cope. This is just all CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!
Sod it, i'm just gonna take em, at least if i do it i cant think about doing it anymore, I dont want to think about doing it anymore, I'm sick and tired of my own thoughts. I need to stop them. Just ignore my rantings, this is just something i gotta sort out on my own. I gotta go...........................:mad:
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Well-Known Member
No Lea! Yer Kids are mad and confused about wot happened probably Hun. They love you, so doing that to yerself is doing it to them too.

Maybe you need on a good med hun. Something to ease yer pain through this traumatic time.

If you need someone to talk to, I am always around. :smile:

Dont do anything rash............ Please, there are ways to feel better. And you deserve to feel better. :wink:


No, at the moment i dont deserve it. I'm being selfish, I know that. My kids dont know what i was in for as i also have a massive infection. They tink i was in for that. Thanks anyway Bobert.


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Lea hun, please stop and try to think for a minute.You have had a massive shock and like the crisis team said, it has made you very vunerable.

The kids, well that's kids for ya..I had to have a mini freak out for my son to actually recognise that maybe mum wasn't so fecking fine as he'd like to think she was. How about a long chat with the eldest? Maybe if she realised just how floored you feel by the diagnosis, remember what that age is like, unless you shove a thing right under their noses(and sometimes ram it right into their nostrils) they just dont' see or realise how bad someone else might be feeling; especially if its only good old mum!!

Wait for that member of the crisis team...find something to do that will take your mind of everything until they get there....Help is on the way!! :hug: :hug:


She came, went and is coming back tomorrow. She wanted to take my tablets with her but i wouldnt let her.
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