who wants a fight?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Feb 20, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    'cause I'm ready..... I just want to fight and punch and for once give as good as I've been given physically and emotionally.

    I'll take on my childhood abuser, I'll take on my alcoholic family, I'll take on my abusive ex, I'll take on whoever wants to take me on - lots of other things in between what i've mentioned - no problem, I'm ready.

    Who gives a shit? seriously? Is it time just to say adios world? I don't know. I THINK it is, but the timing is wrong. Two options lately have come to mind but neither will be 100% successful so thats the last thing I want to do......

    Who the hell knows me anyhow? haven't I always worn a mask? Who knows the pain? Comments that were "innocently" made - are you kidding me? Its always the same thing.

    And now - the inability to cope - that familiar feeling of failure - how fantastic is that. such a self esteem builder.

    am tired of this crap, of the fake strength and the rest.

    just tired, so tired.
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    You know.. its hard. But maybe you should fight the urges to end your life. Fight the depression. That's what you can fight!
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is okay to have the anger you can express it then let it go okay it will only eat away at you Let it out then also use that energy from it to propel you to do something for yourself Do something that will bring you healing and the hell with the rest of them okay spend time and energy on healing you hugs
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    im tired of fighting though, thats the problem.

    i feel like such a misery guts, this past week has been bad. i cant shake it. it frustrates me. im tired of being this way, just tired.
  5. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    I like misery guts's.
    Do you want to relax with a cyberhug?:grouphug:
  6. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    There is hope and you will never know that hope if you give in. Giving in lets all the people who abused you win. The ultimate fight is when you are doing something great with your life and you are happy, while they are still leading their miserable lives, abusing people, in a pathetic attempt to feel better about themselves.

    My abuser was my uncle's second wife. She was in her mid 40s and this went on from when I was 6 to 12. I was chubby as a child. She would call me Miss Piggy and tell me I looked like a sumo wrestler. I am an adult now and since 13, I have been thin, but her abuse still haunts me all the time. Names don't really hurt me anymore. People can insult me all they want, but imagine how I felt as a little girl??? My mom was in another state working and I had to be with my grandparents who didn't speak English and didn't understand her insults when this woman would come over and torment me. As an adult, I could never call a child names. She would taunt me in my ear and tell me my mother didn't love me and my mother abandoned me. When I tried to tell other adults what she was doing including my mother's own sister and her husband who is my uncle, they ignored me or would tell me that this woman was an adult and I have to respect her. I have suffered from bulimia since before I was a preteen. It probably wouldn't have been this severe if I had not had to deal with the bullying from this older woman. Not getting better was letting her win. Recently, I have been thinking about my past a lot. Hope has gone away, but when I least expect it, that hope comes back and I know I can not let my abusers win.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2011
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    no money to please - funny like misery guts....! I need to get out of this current slump. Am trying, but not getting anywhere.

    stuckinchicago6 - thank you for sharing and i am sorry you went through what you did. i have felt fora couple of weeks that they are still winning, as you put it. actually thats the topic of a post i put under the abuse section. i still feel that way.

    and i feel unfortunately that i am losing myself, in a way.

    i wish i could fight. when i posted last evening i was trying to change my thoughts from what they were at that time. sometimes i am angry eclipse - but mostly at myself which isn't a good thing.

    and ive started drinking again, need that numbness right now.

    messed up, SO not in control. if people only knew - eh?

    thank you all.
  8. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    Listen,you only need to try for yourself.Nobody else.
    Anyone who pretends they do not know where your head is at this moment in time is lying to two people,you and them.

    No one has any right to make you feel like you have to buck up soon.

    You ARE special and YOU DO deserve the space and time needed to truly come to terms with how you are feeling.

    Stop the emotions car and let the backseat drivers out.

  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Get a punch bag and beat it, let all your anger out. Or even better draw a picture of the people you feel like beating and punch that.. let it out a healthy way :hug:
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    nomoneytoplease - it is myself pressuring myself to "buck up". I alternate between that and just wanting to give up, but i wont do that right now. i want space but it alludes me currently, is not possible.

    inmemoryofyou - definitely a healthier way.... but if i keep beating myself up like this, I'll really be in trouble!


    thanks to you both.
  11. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Hope things get better soon. I know the feeling of wanting to be numb, but there are also others ways to numb the pain. I know it is easier said than done, but things do eventually get better and they don't have to win. You can fight and even if you are not the strongest person at the end of the day, you still have a chance to find happiness. Hugsss
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    thanks stuckinchicago

    it needs to past and fast. am not sure how long i can go on like this unfortunately.

    take care.