The only reason I live now is for one person. She would commit suicide if i did and so many people depend on her. She would collapse the entire system of my community. I think about it all the time. Even though this would happen, what would it matter to me? I'll be dead. Null. Void. Once living flesh buried 6 ft under. The war rages on in my head. Weighing pros and cons. Sometimes pros win. Sometimes cons do. Always someone stops me. Physically, mentally; they control me. I hate it. Who gets to control my life? If I cant decide when to end it obviously not me. People depend on me, bull shit. People love me. Bull shit. Every one who says that is so fucking young they dont know what love is. Hell, I dont know what love is. I hate it. The question posed, hanging in mid air. When will it be answered? Even if I answer no, the thought is still there. Sometimes I just want to kill myself to get the question out of my head. Fear of hospitalizations and slaps in the face is all that keeps me from it this time. Will it be there to stop me next time?