Well here goes... spent time with the therapist talking things over, etc... drove home and got to thinking- Maybe it would just be a lot easier to get this dying thing out of the way instead of dealing with all this piddly bullshit I can't quite get figured out or just keeps on dominating me. Have a quiet parking lot in a park on the edge of town surrounded by woods. It's pleasant. Pull out a pen and full page reciept from Amazon from the garbage on the floor of the car and write out the note. It was brief. A full life time of (28 out of 34 years) of depression, misery, self hatred, disappointments, apology (started with that but there is no real way to say sorry to people that love you more than you love yourself) asking forgiveness, have a life ins. policy that should pay out-- all this in half a page. Take out the piece and put just one round in the 5 shot cylinder....(.357 snubby) well I don't know how many times ive put a loaded gun to my head but it's been a lot. Finger on the trigger. Practice makes perfect. I always kinda figured yeah well maybe just get a feel for it. I'll chicken out. Maybe this will help push me closer to getting this job done finally. Well the half page note written hastily and a mess to end a 34 year old's life was done the gun goes to the temple a few times. A minute. Maybe two. Bring it down, look at the gun. Look at the barrel, look at the bullet. Try again. Well I think the third time was go time. I was getting tense, reliving some more painful moments, tears were coming, Lacuna Coil is playing and "CLICK". When I jerked from being startled I knew it was more than just trying this time. I did it. I have larger thumbs.. and my meaty opposing digit was in the track of the hammer as it came down. I didn't realize it while being overcome with emotion the hammer soft landed. I got out of the car took a breath of the cool air and wondered why. Why me. Why go on. Tomorrow will come and I don't want to see it. I drove to McDonalds and then home. I'm in denial or just easily letting it slip out of my mind that YES you only accidentally didn't kill yourself.. you shouldn't be here.. How the Fuck do you accidentally NOT shoot yourself???!!! It'll just be a matter of time now. It's not IF. It's WHEN- I'm so tired. Just tired.