Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by gxblu44, Jun 6, 2012.

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  1. gxblu44

    gxblu44 Member

    Well here goes... spent time with the therapist talking things over, etc... drove home and got to thinking-
    Maybe it would just be a lot easier to get this dying thing out of the way instead of dealing with all this piddly bullshit I can't quite get figured out or just keeps on dominating me.

    Have a quiet parking lot in a park on the edge of town surrounded by woods. It's pleasant. Pull out a pen and full page reciept from Amazon from the garbage on the floor of the car and write out the note. It was brief. A full life time of (28 out of 34 years) of depression, misery, self hatred, disappointments, apology (started with that but there is no real way to say sorry to people that love you more than you love yourself) asking forgiveness, have a life ins. policy that should pay out-- all this in half a page.
    Take out the piece and put just one round in the 5 shot cylinder....(.357 snubby)
    well I don't know how many times ive put a loaded gun to my head but it's been a lot. Finger on the trigger. Practice makes perfect. I always kinda figured yeah well maybe just get a feel for it. I'll chicken out. Maybe this will help push me closer to getting this job done finally.

    Well the half page note written hastily and a mess to end a 34 year old's life was done the gun goes to the temple a few times. A minute. Maybe two. Bring it down, look at the gun. Look at the barrel, look at the bullet. Try again. Well I think the third time was go time. I was getting tense, reliving some more painful moments, tears were coming, Lacuna Coil is playing and "CLICK". When I jerked from being startled I knew it was more than just trying this time.

    I did it.

    I have larger thumbs.. and my meaty opposing digit was in the track of the hammer as it came down. I didn't realize it while being overcome with emotion the hammer soft landed.
    I got out of the car took a breath of the cool air and wondered why. Why me. Why go on. Tomorrow will come and I don't want to see it.
    I drove to McDonalds and then home. I'm in denial or just easily letting it slip out of my mind that YES you only accidentally didn't kill yourself.. you shouldn't be here..
    How the Fuck do you accidentally NOT shoot yourself???!!!
    It'll just be a matter of time now. It's not IF. It's WHEN-
    I'm so tired. Just tired.
  2. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member


    I can relate to this. All too well. 33 years old myself, and a gun owner, just haven't gotten up the courage to use it yet. I always figured, when the time came, one of three things would happen...

    either 1, gun goes off, I die, the end. Problems solved.

    2, gun goes off, bullet goes into my head but doesn't kill me. Leaves me worse off than before. FUCK.

    or 3, something happens that causes the gun to not fire. I've fired multiple rounds out of that gun and it has never jammed or misfired. I figure, if I put the loaded gun to my head, pull the trigger and nothing happens, I wasn't meant to die. I would take that as a sign. I mean, I don't know... having your thumb in the way of the hammer... not sure if that counts as a sign or not. But it would make you think. They say everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I believe that, though most of the time life just seems like a random mess of inconsequential bullshit. Still, to get to that point and go that far, only to have the gun not fire... maybe that does mean something.

    Of course, I'm pretty sure my gun would go off without a hitch. There's no reason for me to be here, and nobody is going to give a shit if I kill myself or not. Not even "god". I figure, knowing my luck, I'd end up with option 2. Not lucky enough to die, but not lucky enough to be saved by divine intervention either. Instead, I'd be punished for even attempting to take charge of my own fate. That's what I get for trying to take the easy way out, god would say. But in your case... maybe you really weren't meant to die.
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    This is one of the most common things. My friend, who is a volunteer fire fighter, responded to one of these incidents. The individual now is living out his life without a jaw. Beyond that, the star from the TV series SEINFELD (Mr. Kruger, who was George's boss). It was not but a few months ago that he tried this. His 911 call after is on the Internet. Is he any better off now? Of course he is not, he survived this. It is heart wrenching to listen to his phone call. Death is not the answer, and definitely not with guns. I know a lot about guns, I own probably 30 of them. With a vast knowledge of firearms, it would be the last thing I would ever recommend to anybody. Just pure horrible. While it is understood, and true, that depression is hard to cope with... often times more time goes into planning one's demise than it does with seeking true professional wellness assistance. How many times have we hard, "No, I have not seen a therapist... I don't believe in them..." or, "...I just can't tell them." Not believing in them or not wanting to tell them certainly cannot be worth the chance that perhaps they really could help. Certainly if they could, it's a far better alternative than giving completely up. NEVER GIVE UP. It's a fight and a challenge. Yes, it's a rough road that nobody understands - believe me, I cope every day with the worst thing anyone could ever experience. Still, life is always worth living. Getting over the hurdles is the key and it may require every ounce of energy and it may leave you in a pool of sweat... but to win sure beats losing. Don't lose out on the future because the future does not have to remain the same as today.
  4. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    I'm 32 and a gun owner myself .380 Smith and Wesson Bodyguard. Had I had this gun in my possession five years ago, I would have ended my life with it. I'm almost sure of it. Now my gun is used to protect myself and my daughter and that is how I have to look at it. My life is actually worse off being disabled from lupus and about to lose my job. I have no income and no means to support myself. But I have to live. That gun didn't take your life because it could have been your second chance.

    Take the second chance. Trust me, I was suicidal five years ago when I was working and had the full use of my legs. Now I don't. My life is WORSE off but I can't take my life. Gosh, I've come so far and have gotten stronger. I pray you get stronger too. Don't end it.
  5. gxblu44

    gxblu44 Member

    Thanks for your replies. I just can't understand why life is worth moving on with.
    I found quite by chance there is a small dimple on the primer of that round. The pin touched it.
    I stepped over the line. I'm one of the survivors now. I'm really not grateful about surviving though. I don't know if I should bother telling anyone else or just keep pushing through like a numb beast of burden about ready to drop
    I see no point to this any more
    Thanks to all for your replies
  6. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    Gxblu44 it may not mean much to you now but you are a living testimony to why suicide isn't the answer. You are a living testimony to others, especially young people who may be reading this thinking about taking their lives with a gun to not go to same route. I didn't see the point when I was going through my suicidal depression but eventually there was light at the end of the tunnel for me. Like I said, life didn't get better for me as it got worse. But I'm fighting like hell. I can't even pay my rent right now and about to get evicted, I can't work, nothing...but I'm fighting. I've come toooooooo far to stop now.
  7. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Thank you, Supermodel, for sharing that. Keep up the fight and win.
    gxblu44 - Fate dealt you the right hand with that... listen to it. Find a way to fight as well.
    Knowing it is tough... but knowing too that you can do it.
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