Why 2

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Mar 9, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I'm really struggling today. I don't know why nothing has happened. I just feel so dam low. I' so bloody sick of it.

    I can't stop self harming. I have even started carrying needles with me in case I feel as though I need a quick fix when I am out. It helps at first and then I feel remorse for giving in. Then I want to do it even more.

    What kind of life is one where you wish for death. I know I want to go. I know I don't want to be here. But do I have the balls. Really? I think it's the not knowing what there is after death. Is there reincarnation, is there heaven and hell, is there nothing? I am not a religious person. I don't believe in one god etc. I would class myself as an agnostic. That way I can't lose can I? But I was brought up as a catholic and there is that small part of me that thinks well what if it is true? Then what happens. I don't have faith. I stopped believing in all that when my Nan died. I don't know if I have the courage to go through with the plans. Not that I have any methods or anything planned yet I just know what I want. The constant research of it.

    <Edit Moderator Total Eclipse method triggering> I want it to cause me pain and infections and kill me. I'm sick and tired of this!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 9, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi all i can say is stop carrying around the tools throw them away so you can 't use them and call your doctor let him know what you did in case more damage is done you do not want to suffer okay just let doc be aware of what happen
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree throw the needles away.. All it takes is one air bubble to reach your heart and you will be dead..Theres help out there and you should put forth your efforts to be positive and seek the help...
     
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I can't throw them away. I know i will start cutting if I don't have this.
    For me cutting is worse. There are worse reminders of it. Scars. I want to have the option there. I need it.

    I'm not going about the swallowed item either. I feel some sort of weird relief feeling knowing it's in there possibly causing damage.
     
  5. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi
    How are you doing today?
    Jenny x
     
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Hope today is treating you better.
     
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    The same. I'm exhausted and so fed up of everything.
     
  8. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Seems to me like you haven't gotten tunnel vision yet on the idea of suicide. That's good, that means you're seeking help, e.g. on this board.

    I know this is going to sound really hard to accomplish, and in your current state it may be too much on your own, but there are therapies and therapists that are experienced with self-harming clients. Is there no one you could ask for help in finding one? Therapists can answer that by phone. The first time I talked to my therapist over the phone before I had even seen him, I asked if he was experienced with suicidal clients.
     
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I am already working with a therapist that is specialised in self harm. Been seeing her since just before xmas.xxx
     
  10. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I know things seem really hard right now, but maybe once you get the SH down to controllable, maybe more things in life will come together. I hope your liking your therapist, and that he/she is making some differance in this addiction. Not that I know much about it, but I have been reading up on it, and I know a little about addictions. It can take over and it seems like the addiction is helping but truthfully its hurting worse, bringing on thoughts of no selfworth, and adds a huge amount of anxiety for us that also deal with depression. I hope you continue to work on it and that you find some peace within.

    Hope tomorrow treats you better.
     
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I do like her. I have written quite a lot about the therapy on the blog and on here in the past.

    I have appointment with Dr T in 2 weeks which I am already starting to dread. Hopefully I wont have any hospital trips to have to re live between now and then.

    I don't actually know what Dr T is doing. I have to keep going to see him. maybe he is just assessing if I am becomming more of a risk.

    I don't know what to do with myself. It seems as though I am only existing at the moment. It;s not good!
     
  12. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Do you like to play crossword puzzles, things like that. If so give them a try when you get high anxiety, it usually helps me calm a little.

    Hugs, hope the doc appt goes the way your wanting.
     
  13. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I don't know what I want from them anymore. He keeps asking to see me every couple of weeks but I don't get why.

    I don't like cross word puzzles. I find when I am feeling anxious there is nothing I can do to calm it. Sometimes I go for a drive but I always have to have an excuse as to where I am going as I live with the parents and they would think it odd that I am just going out. And if it's late they would really question it. So I can only usually do that before 9pm-ish.

    I don't really know what else to do with myself.
     
  14. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Do your parents have any idea how you're feeling? Would you consider telling them if not or is that not really an option? :rose:
     
  15. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    It's not an option. They are not understanding in the slightest. When I have shown signs around them I get told to stop being so miserable, cheer up you have nothing to be miserable about.
     
  16. datguy

    datguy Active Member

    hello my friend it sounds like you are on the same path i was on and it hurts to see othedr people following the same path of pain i took..you just carying around those needle is a mental reminder of not being happy. you need to be around positive people and positive things if possible. your parents expecting you to just think happy and be happy isnt fair. people today in these times dont turn their heads to what depression can do to people. it is very real and lots of people have it. maybe not to the point you or myself might take it to but help is still out there and you need to change before it gets worse..i know the path, i have had to tattoo my one arm cause it was so badly covered in scares. i cut so much for so long i actualy got smart on it and realized i am just hurting and marking myself where people can see and judge me and it made me feel worse .i didnt get help cause i thought i had changed i went off my meds and thought i could just be happy ... no such luck i fell back into depression and actualy started cutting again and have fingers that dont work now .there are so many simple things out there that can make a person smile and i hope you have someone as a support that can do them with you. i tell you all this cause you sound young enough that you have a chance for help and you can experience great things like i have but with the help you wont lose it all like i have.. i had the old school mentality like your parents have where you should be able to handle it on your own,,, and no you cant i have proven that to myself..
    i wish the best my friend and i hope you get the help you deserve so you can be happy.. and throw those needles out its only a quick thought release to what will be there tomorrow. deal with your stuff positvely today and start happiness tomorrow. take care
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.