I think my Mom understands that I've given up on life. I'm happy and cheerful and loving and am still involved in what I love to do, (read, write especially) but I think it's her mother's intuition kicking in. No matter how well I try to hide my "symptoms" of depression or even an imminent life-ending decision, she seems to always know what's going on. I've attempted before, five years ago, but I haven't attempted since. I don't like to attempt unless I know the method I'm using will be guaranteed to work. She saved me that time, and I don't think she's forgotten it. Maybe she has, who knows. I've gotten EVERY type of help you can possibly imagine, and she knows that. Sometimes, you have to let your kid die. I think she's letting me just....waste away. I'm glad she isn't "sitting me down to talk," like she did all of the time after my attempt. Some people can't be helped or they're simply too lost in the woods to be helped. I'm one of them. I haven't fulfilled my lifelong dream yet but I am getting pretty close. Once I've done that, there's really nothing else that I want to accomplish in life. If there's anything else, it's only because my parents want it for me. But there is nothing else. (okay this is so wrong...just when I was *this* close to giving myself a great opportunity to accomplsih my dream, what I needed to accomplish said dream just disappeared....so now I'm having to start all over again, but it's alright because what I have now is MUCH better and more meaningful) I don't want to die a loser. It's a long story about why I feel that way - in short, I dropped out of high school. Oh, I forget to add: I did wind up finishing school and going to college, but college didn't work out either so yeah. I've come close to accomplishing what will give me some feeling of self worth. That's all I really want. I just want to feel like I've done something, and I don't want my mother to remain here feeling like she failed me because I haven't done a lot with my life. I know I'll come close again to achieving my dream, and when I do, I plan on achieving it. I don't have much of a choice. My Mom needs a reason to be proud of me. When that's over, I'll be ready to go. She knows I'm ready to go. My mind has been made up for a very long time, but I haven't been able to kill myself in 6 long years because my family is constantly watching me. I'm always under suicide watch. But I'll be moving out soon. Anyway, I just wanted to vent and perhaps connect with others who feel the same way as I do.