Why A Parent Must Let Their Child Die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by juicy, Dec 9, 2013.

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  1. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    I think my Mom understands that I've given up on life. I'm happy and cheerful and loving and am still involved in what I love to do, (read, write especially) but I think it's her mother's intuition kicking in. No matter how well I try to hide my "symptoms" of depression or even an imminent life-ending decision, she seems to always know what's going on. I've attempted before, five years ago, but I haven't attempted since. I don't like to attempt unless I know the method I'm using will be guaranteed to work. She saved me that time, and I don't think she's forgotten it. Maybe she has, who knows.

    I've gotten EVERY type of help you can possibly imagine, and she knows that. Sometimes, you have to let your kid die. I think she's letting me just....waste away. I'm glad she isn't "sitting me down to talk," like she did all of the time after my attempt. Some people can't be helped or they're simply too lost in the woods to be helped. I'm one of them. I haven't fulfilled my lifelong dream yet but I am getting pretty close. Once I've done that, there's really nothing else that I want to accomplish in life. If there's anything else, it's only because my parents want it for me. But there is nothing else. (okay this is so wrong...just when I was *this* close to giving myself a great opportunity to accomplsih my dream, what I needed to accomplish said dream just disappeared....so now I'm having to start all over again, but it's alright because what I have now is MUCH better and more meaningful)

    I don't want to die a loser. It's a long story about why I feel that way - in short, I dropped out of high school. Oh, I forget to add: I did wind up finishing school and going to college, but college didn't work out either so yeah.

    I've come close to accomplishing what will give me some feeling of self worth. That's all I really want. I just want to feel like I've done something, and I don't want my mother to remain here feeling like she failed me because I haven't done a lot with my life. I know I'll come close again to achieving my dream, and when I do, I plan on achieving it. I don't have much of a choice. My Mom needs a reason to be proud of me. When that's over, I'll be ready to go. She knows I'm ready to go. My mind has been made up for a very long time, but I haven't been able to kill myself in 6 long years because my family is constantly watching me. I'm always under suicide watch. But I'll be moving out soon. Anyway, I just wanted to vent and perhaps connect with others who feel the same way as I do.

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    NO PARENT NONE would ever ever want their child to die you don't know what you are saying because the pain it would cause them is unbearable you willnot only take your life but theirs too
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Because of my multiple and multiple attempts in my life, my parents are preparing for the worst...that I will kill myself someday. My mom told my manager that to never blame anyone for my suicide because that has been a pattern for me and is expected that I will continue to kill myself until I do it right.
  4. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    will you continue to do it until you get it right? I hope not.
  5. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    I'm aware of that. She has so much family that loves her though. Trust me, if I didn't think my mother would be alright after I'm gone, I wouldn't be doing this. But I know she will be. She has SO much friends and family who love and appreciate her, and I'm not exaggerating. She'll be fine.
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The entire premise of your post that you have accomplished what you need to do or that a parent should let you die is either completlely lacking realisn in the real world or the result of some very disillusioned thinking , likely brought about by an illness that could and should be treated.

    Why would you try to hide your symptoms of depression instead of face them and discuss them and try to improve your life? Why choose a goal as trying to do "one thing" to feel proud of rather than a potential lifetime of accomplishments? Whatever else you think I can tell you for 100% certain - no your mother will NEVER be okay with it and will never adjust and get used to it. Rather that is a reason for you to not do it is for you to decide but do not make a decision based on pure nonsense. If you want to make her proud show her you trust her and go to her to talk and get help. That will make her feel useful and proud as opposed to as you say "using her intuition to know something is wrong" even though you lie about it and hide it....
  7. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Juicy, I don't expect much from myself. Life will go on without me anyway. I'm just trying to find a place and meaning in this world. Should I have the sudden urge to do it again, I think I might follow through. Like some others have mentioned, they don't want to survive it or suffer in pain afterwards, or end up a vegetable without actually dying. That is why I don't want to do it. I never could get it right all this time so I don't think I will again. I hope I'm just mindlessly rambling because I'm just not feeling good right now. I'm sorry to worry anyone...I know I can make many people upset with this type of venting.
    LOST BOY7 likes this.
  8. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi juicy,

    i am so sorry to hear you are in so much pain. i believe anyone can be helped if they want to be... but wanting is the key, b/c they have to do much of the work. i would like to talk to you, get to know you a bit, even try to help if i can ... and if you want. first though, i'd like to tell you a bit of a story about my life, after i do, i think you'll know why i did... but i'll tell you anyway.

    to make it short... my mom died when i was 12, dad became distant and tried to run me and my sister like a military boot camp. when i was 14 (and sister was in college), he remarried. i gained an abusive step mom and 2 equally abusive step sisters. my dad was never there for me in fact when i was almost molested and thus wanted to quit violin lessons, he told me i was a quitter and would never amount to anything and if i truly wanted to quit, i had to be the one to call and tell my teacher. when i was 15, i fell in love for the first time... he was really the only one that showed me any love, and even that came with pain sometimes but i won't get into that now. by the age of 16, i began feeling like i was unloved and unwanted and nobody was giving me as much love as i was giving them... even my boyfriend. i thought about it and thought about it... and realized, there is one way i can get back as much love as i give.. by having a child. so, i went to my boyfriend and asked him to get me preg... he saw this as free sex, so readily agreed. i got preg when i was 17. dad and step mom did not find out til i was 3 months along b/c i kept it hid. when dad found out, he told me i had to abort... i said i would not. we went back and forth on that for awhile until finally i told him that i would not and if he made me i'd kill myself too... i had to live with this decision not him. so he told me then i'd adopt it out. i said no, i'm keeping my child. he said you will not live under this roof with a child. i said fine, i'll move in with my boyfriend and his parents til we can afford to get married and get a place of our own... and that was the plan til i was 7months along. at that point, my boyfriend told me that he had been cheating on me for 2 months, and when i could not forgive him in 2 wks he told me "fine, everything is off then, you will not move in with me, i will not marry you, i will not help you with anything, i do not want to know when the baby is born, and i want nothing else to do with you." well.. i had about $10k saved in my bank account from social security money from mom dieing and odd jobs i'd done. i figured i'd take care of my child myself. so i went home and called the bank to get the exact numbers... they told me that the monies had all been withdrawn and the account closed. my dad had cosigned on that account so he had legal authority to do that. i asked him where my money was... he said he spent it. i had no job. no place to live after i had the baby. and no vehicle to get anywhere. nothing. and i was 7mo preg. so i realized... i had 3 options

    1. i could live in low income housing... but that was rat and roach infested where i was living at that time, and i did not think that was a good environment for an infant

    2. i could give my child to foster care til i could better raise it.... but i'd had friends that had been in foster care and been abused, i didn't want that for my child either

    3. i could choose some parents and adopt him out
    as much as it killed me then, and still does to this day.... i thought that was the best choice FOR HIM, so that's what i did.

    my lawyer told me that i was not to tell the hospital that i was giving him up for adoption or social services would get involved and i'd not have control of his placement.. so for the 3 dys i was in recovery, i took care of my son.. held him, changed him, fed him... etc... and then, i carried him out of the hospital and placed him into another car to be driven out of my life... i broke down and cried... after 30 min my stepmom told me that was enough, she didn't want to hear anymore, it was over.... so i wasn't allowed to cry... but i was dieing inside

    3 months later the adoptive parents called me, told me they needed a babysitter and they couldn't find one... asked if i would... i said sure. they didn't come home til late that night and said they were too tired to take me home, i could sleep in the baby's room and they'd take me home in the morning. when morning came, i heard them talking about how they needed to find more parents for my son. the adoption was not even final yet. so i got angry and told them if anyone was going to find parents for my son, it would be me, that the adoption was not final yet and they had no authority to do so... and thats what i did, i found another set of parents... we had the agreement that i could see, write to, talk to, etc with him so long as i never told him who i was and they'd give me pics of him. then after the adoption was finalized... we both moved at the same time and lost contact. i have since learned my stepmom knows where he and his family are and gets to see him once a year as well as gets pics, but she will not tell me nor show me the pics.

    even though i only adopted him out... i feel his loss everyday... i loved him from the moment i knew i conceived him... i cried 2 dys when i made the decision to adopt him out.... he is still the love of my life and always will be... i know nothing of him or where he is or what he's doing. he would be 21 now... so probably out on his own... but, no matter what... if he ever did choose to meet me and said "mom, i need help" ... i'd be there, and if he came to me and said "mom, i want to kill msyelf" i'd break down initially in tears, and i'd tell him how special he is to me, and how loved he's always been, and how i'd do to get him help and let him know that i understand what he's feeling and that its ok, because he has someone there that loves him and will help him to see this through no matter how long it takes or how bad it gets. and then i'd hug him tight.... and start setting up appointments, and etc. even if when he told me these things he didn't call me mom, but rather by my name, it would be the same. the loss of a child, is not something you EVER get over. my heart hurts for him everyday... its part of what keeps me in my depression.

    i can guarantee your mom would hurt more than i do.... she's had all these years with you ... i had 9mo and 3 dys with my son (if you count my pregnancy) .. and i'm so attached to him i'd give my life if he was in danger or simply needed me to for whatever reason. ... i doubt your mom feels any less about you. no other love can take your place... not ever.
    LOST BOY7 likes this.
  9. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    Because there's only one thing I want to accomplish in life. Not everyone lives to accomplish many things. Some people, like me, only want to do one thing. All my life I've been giving my parents what they wanted from me because every parents wants their kid to accomplish a lot: numerous academic awards from school and sporting activities I participated in outside of school. For years, I've done what they wanted me to do. Now I accomplish what I WANT to accomplish. Now I do what makes me happy. I'm tired of doing everything their way. And well I don't "try" to hide it, not necessarily. I just don't....make it obvious that I'm still suffering from depression. I jsut try to be happy for the time being until my end comes.
  10. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    yeah I think the real fear a lot of attempters face is "will this actually work or will I end up a vegetable?" I think that's at the root of a lot of fears. Imagine if we could KNOW whether our attempts would result in our death or not. Even the most lethal methods have the potential, no matter how very slight, to not work. And well no you're not upsetting us. You came here to vent. This is a place to vent. People know that this site can be triggering. It's good you're letting your emotions out.

    I will say this to you though: you can't find a place and meaning in the world if you're dead.
  11. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Well said, Juicy. You take care too.
  12. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Do you really think that? Well if you do, you are dead wrong. Ok, so, I don't have a kid myself, and I can't call my life as "being alive" too. The reason I'm still alive? Because I don't want to cause my dad grief. Why? Because it will make him suffer more. He has his problem, and I won't add more. Not as long as he is around. As a parent, he wouldn't want me to die. it is because I know he loves me. To adds more, he has 7 children, so losing one won't cause him much grief. WRONG. Even if he has 10 children, or 20, losing one of his child will make him grief so much, maybe he can hide it, but losing a child is not something a loving parent can take without life-long grief. It will be there forever, they might not show it, but it will always be there. It will never be forgotten. If you think I'm exaggerating, you are wrong, what I said is the truth. Indeed some parents don't want their children, they have them by mistake, but in your case, I know your mom is a loving one. She acted just exactly like my dad on my first attempt. He is someone who never cried, he was also a delinquent in his youth, he has so many problem in life, more than you can ever imagine, from someone who had everything, personal pool, sport cars etc, huge houses, to nothing, like our current condition now. He never cried about it. But when he saw me in the hospital that day, he cried. Considering he has 7 children why would he cry for someone like me? Because he is my parent. He love me. I thought even if he lost me he will still has 6 kids. But I was wrong. I can see it. You might be blinded by your depression, but I choose to be open to myself. I'm 22 years old, no job, probably failing University soon because of my depression, this is final exam week, and I haven't touched any books at all, pretty much failing right? He doesn't care as long as I'm alive. That's all that matters to him. He know when I have problems in my mind, yet he choose to stay silent, because I have too much pride to admit it. he knows, but he choose to respect me by not asking everything. If you think a parent should let their kid die, you are wrong. They might be look ok, but do you know that losing a child is worse than to have depression? Feeling helpless, can't do anything to bring their child life back, sad but can't do anything about it. Pretty much the same, but worse. It's their child that die, not them. That's probably what they think, and it will be there forever. Please consider your mum's feeling too.

    To be honest, it is quite selfish of you. it is obvious they don't want to give up, but they can't do anything. I'm sure they feel the worst right now because of that. Why don't you help yourself and stop doing this? You CAN help yourself, but you choose not to, that's what happens. I'm sorry if I sounds so hard, but I don't want you to be like this mpang123. I'll tell you the hard truth only. I'll try to become "soft" when needed, but not now, it's not the time. I hope you will start to help yourself, No one can help you unless you let them help. Not even God, if hes even exist. But I doubt you will do that. I'm a stranger anyway, not someone you will take in your life. I just hope for the best for you, don't give up. Be strong. Stronger than you could ever possibly imagine. It is all possible, you just need to open the door to help. No matter how hard people try to help you, if you don't open that door, they won't be able to change anything.

    Why not? After what you said all parents should let their kid die, it's pretty much contradictive. You don't want mpang123 to give up right? And you are not even his/her parents. What do you think your parents feel? Try to be more open to their feeling dear.
  13. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Juicy, <mod edit - guidelines> Death is permanent and you don't get another chance, ever again.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 9, 2013
  14. ImNotEnough

    ImNotEnough New Member

    I want to give you a hug so so badly right now.. :(
  15. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Hi ImNotEnough, welcome! Seems like it's your first posting. You may notice that we are having a heating topic that is bringing out a lot of opinions and moods out to the table. Intense, huh?
  16. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Yes, and you leave people with grief , permanently too, for the rest of their life.

    Killing a chance to be happy. And there is slight chance, possibility, that a life after death is existant.

    I don't believe in afterlife, but who know I might be wrong. I've never been dead, I don't believe it because I never see it, but I'm open to any possibility. By not believing it doesn't mean I'm always right.
  17. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I do not know if my mom knows, but she needs to understand that there is nothing that she can do. I guess we are different in the fact that I want my mom to feel like a failure because she did the bare minimum, feed me, cloth me, school me. I know some people do not get that, but plenty of those people get a parent. Not the chauffeur for their sisters.
  18. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Sorry NYJmpMaster, I was unaware that I didn't follow guidelines. Anyways, I already forgot what I wrote. I'll be more careful next time. I think I got a little carried away, I guess. It was a bad night.
  19. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    At least you are honest about the anger and vengeance portion of your suicidal thoughts - when you learn that what they did or think really does not matter and no longer care then you will have a real chance at moving forward for yourself.....
  20. juicy

    juicy Well-Known Member

    Sorry I didn't reply earlier, but you wrote so much, I needed time to ...well read it and really take it in. Yeah, maybe she would. I just feel like she'd be alright if I was gone. I know for a fact she would be.
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