Why am I alive?

[JobForAVictim]

Why am I still alive?
It's certainly not due to love of life, or happiness. I seem to regard life as a long string of inconveniences. I don't really have plans for the future. Except to die at some point, of course.

Mostly I'm still alive due to other people, I guess. I have family and friends who rely on me. The only reason I haven't offed myself yet is because I would be abandoning my duties to those who care about me. I continue to live in order to do what others tell me.

Apparently, according to some people, this idea of selfless life is supposed to be a really good thing. It's not. I hate my life as much as otherwise. It's supposedly a good thing that I haven't offed myself yet. I'm not so sure.

I'm pretty much a human doormat. My whole life is structured around what others expect. I live my life the way I'm expected, I'm going to college because I'm expected to. I assume after that I will get a job like I'm expected to and work away the rest of my damn life like I'm expected to.

I hate it. I hate myself for it. I want to cut myself to pieces, I want to be abused, I want to poison myself to death.

 

[*dilligaf*]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad :hug:

Maybe you are alive because somewhere (even if it is deep deep down) you want to be? I'm not being patronising with this next comment because I have now realised that this is probably what I was thinking when I attempted. Maybe you don't actually want to die as such? Just to get rid of the pain you are feeling? Escape the life you are living?

I'm not making much sense so I will shut up :laugh: There is always a reason to live...you just have to keep looking for it :hug:

 

[JobForAVictim]

Maybe you are alive because somewhere (even if it is deep deep down) you want to be? I'm not being patronising with this next comment because I have now realised that this is probably what I was thinking when I attempted.

Perhaps that is the case. Forgive me if I think aloud here...

Maybe you don't actually want to die as such?

I don't know. I've always thought I would commit suicide, ever since my first depressive episode. It's been a while, and the feeling sticks with me. Even when I feel good, I still don't plan to live long.

Just to get rid of the pain you are feeling?

I'm a sucker for pain. I'm in love with suffering.

Escape the life you are living?

Sure, I'd love to escape. Mostly, I'd love to escape myself.
But the only way I know how to do it is at one end of a gun.

I'm not making much sense so I will shut up :laugh: There is always a reason to live...you just have to keep looking for it :hug:

Maybe someday I will find it.

 

[*dilligaf*]

I really hope you find it

And sorry fif my post wasn't much help :hug: