Why am I still alive? It's certainly not due to love of life, or happiness. I seem to regard life as a long string of inconveniences. I don't really have plans for the future. Except to die at some point, of course. Mostly I'm still alive due to other people, I guess. I have family and friends who rely on me. The only reason I haven't offed myself yet is because I would be abandoning my duties to those who care about me. I continue to live in order to do what others tell me. Apparently, according to some people, this idea of selfless life is supposed to be a really good thing. It's not. I hate my life as much as otherwise. It's supposedly a good thing that I haven't offed myself yet. I'm not so sure. I'm pretty much a human doormat. My whole life is structured around what others expect. I live my life the way I'm expected, I'm going to college because I'm expected to. I assume after that I will get a job like I'm expected to and work away the rest of my damn life like I'm expected to. I hate it. I hate myself for it. I want to cut myself to pieces, I want to be abused, I want to poison myself to death.