Why am i always alone.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ben121, Jul 1, 2010.

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  1. Ben121

    Ben121 Active Member

    Am just deleting a few things on me PC ready to move on from this world.
    I just come across this place I bookmarked a bit back.
    So posting be for I do anything.
    IDK if Ive got what it takes but I don't wont to live like this.
    I got this like strong string stuff set up ready to hang me self with.
    IDK if it well work or even if am ready to try it but what i do know is I don't wont to live anymore. I probably wont try it. But I really really wish I could.

    I live alone and don't work and have no GF.
    I think I might be gay but IDK. Am confused as shit.
    Its like I don't fancy anyone.
    Nobody is my friend. I never get invited anywhere.
    I seat at home all day and all night alone.
    I go out on my bike alone. I listen to the same old music alone.
    I cook and eat alone. Its a god dame fucking fate worse then death.

    what have i don to deserve such pain. I am a good person and would not hurt anyone. even prisoners would have another cell mate to talk to.
    Ive lived alone since I was 20 and am 35 now. Nothing is going to change.
    Why well I not just grow some fucking balls and end this shit!

    If anyone has anything useful to say then now is the time.
    i don't wont to die, I just can not handle this anymore. I just wont to feel loved and wonted.

    I hate this world I really really fucking hate it!!!!!!!!
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :p I wish I did not have to work.

    Ok being serious now. I cannot say that much would convince me to keep on living if I was in your shoes. However, why not break your current lifestyle? Your post suggests to me that you have been doing roughly the same thing for the last 15 years. Why not change it up? You know go out have some fun. Meet people, join a club do something. I know it is hard man, I am doing it myself. However, you want to be able to say you tried right? It is slow but you can do it I am rooting for you while I am on the same quest.
  3. Ben121

    Ben121 Active Member

    I would change my current lifestyle but I don't know what to change it to.
    I have even thought about getting a van and just taking of around the world.
    I could do that I do have some spare cash saved. But what would I do alone?
    I take of on my bike sometimes. even put it on the back of my care and go further a field. but no matter where I go I still never meet other ppl. just the odd hallo and sometimes a few words exchange then them and me are back on our way to our lives again. So I could take of and see some of the world but then i prob just be seat there in a van or a caff or a pub alone. Have you ever seat in a pub alone? You drink faster I can tell you. its not much fun and you end up feeling moor alone then you would be if you was at home.
    At lest at home I have the Internet.
    I even thought about moving to another place. But where ever I end up am going to be in the same place in life still mentally.
    Ive tried college to improve my poor grammar. But still i never meet anyone or get anything out of it. Am just not seeing the point anymore to anything.
    What is the point of living a life with nothing in it. Absolutely nothing.
    I fall out with me dad cos he's a jerk. My mum says that she don't blame me but cos I don't talk to him now I see very little of her. I think she just doesn't come around to see me cos of him. IDK but I used to see me mum quite a bit now prob only about 10 minutes a month.

    Is this right that at the age of 35 the only company I get is 10 minutes a month from me mum.

    Am already thinking that I differently don't wont to be here come Christmas. I have nowhere to go and well be alone at that time. Its the first time that I well be alone at christmas. Am not a bad person and don't deserve this.
    No body cars. No one would be bothered if I was not here. in fact I think some ppl would feel less guilty for the fact they don't make an effort with me if I was not here. I think I would not just be doing myself a favor but some others as well.
  4. Want

    Want New Member


    Im sorry you feel so terrible! your right, nobody should have to feel this way ever...How long have you felt this way?

    This is a very big world so as you can imagine there must be a lot of people out there that feel the same, so I think you need to surround yourself with people who are also lonely and looking for company..if you just go out for the day you or anyone would be lucky to just happen upon someone who is lonely too..you need to join a social club, dating site or friends site! Im sure you could bring happiness to someone who is in the same situation as you are..think how you would feel if someone came along!

    The travelling thing is also not a bad idea. I have friends who went off bag packing alone and ended up meeting great people along the way. If you are thinking of ending your life..why not try a few things first, what have you got to lose? Do things you normally wouldnt..be more adventurous and take a chance!
    I personally enjoy volunteer work, I get to meet some great people and the feeling of helping others and putting a smile on peoples faces is so worthwhile!
    please think about it before doing something you cant reverse.
  5. Ben121

    Ben121 Active Member

    I hear what your saying I really do.
    I have tried volunteer work and the last time it was just a bunch of old ladies I ended up working with. Needles to say we had nothing at all in common. It was a good way to make friends if your a 65 year old + women.
    Plus am restricted to what I can do. Physically cos of my back and academically cos I have the worst spelling and even moor worse handwriting in the world. not so noticeable on here cos of spell check.
    But honestly a child of 10 could probably write better then me. That's no joke.
    I have been back to college 2 times to try to improve this and to try and make some decant friends. I got none of them things.
    Nothing I seem to do works.

    It is really easy to make on line friends. I do find that to be the easiest thing in the world. Its not online friends I wont/need though. I need someone to go on holiday with. Some one to go watch a film with. Someone to spend time with that Ive got stuff in common with.

    My backs all twisted cos of scoliosis. I walk with a limp cos of a virus that paralyzed me when I was young. I did learn to walk again after a few years. But still my leg is weak and my back is not strong. I get tidier faster then I should.
    When most other ppl I know and ppl that I used to go to school with are working, marred and have kids am still seat here every day and night with no chance of any of them things ever happening to me. Ive not got anything to look forward to but a solitary life alone. And it sucks. Am just fed up of looking on the bright side of things. Nothing is ever going to change no matter how much I try to be positive or what i do.
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    All I can really say is I feel you friend I do not really know how to go about making new friends or Just meeting people. All the stuff I am interested in Only has people twice or half my age in it. I have gone to a pub alone as well. Nothing good came of it I agree. However, that is most likely because I was just sitting by myself. I Probably did not look to inviting either. I do not know I am not going to pretend like I know how to meet people because I don't. Anywhere else people tell me I just need to be confident. There are plenty of books out there on overcoming stuff like this.

    Once I have lost the weight I want to lose I am going to take a dancing class. Everyone tells me those are the best places to meet women. I also use forums. I am going to join a forum for a local anime convention soon. There are plenty of events for me to attend from what I have seen. Try meetup.com as well. Do not give up friend not until you have tried everything. I am getting my everything out of the way now.
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Ben. Wanting someone to love or having some companionship, seems to be a common cause of people's depression. This makes sense because humans are social beings and we crave social interaction. But maybe we put too much importance on having companionship? I like spending time alone, because I find it relaxing and I can think clearly. I agree that some social interaction is needed, but you shouldn't kill yourself just because you're alone. Go out and meet people if you want companionship. Go to nightclubs, pubs and anywhere else people might be.
  8. Ben121

    Ben121 Active Member

    My confidence is pretty good when talking to other ppl. That's not my problem. All though I do struggle to find stuff to talk about as I don't have much happening in my life to talk about.
    I have tried meet-up.com be for. There don't seem much happening around where I live. I was mostly interested in going to the cinema with the ppl on there but the meets are to far away. I have been to the cinema alone be for though. And its not about the film really. I can get any film I like on the net and even be for it comes out here in the UK sometimes. its just about not being in.

    Well I looked last night for a place to hang myself from. There is nothing in my home that is good. To many things to grab on to and I did not have the energy to go out and look for a suitable tree. So instead I just did the weak thing and laid on my bed unable to sleep cos its summer here and the neighbors like to party to god knows what time. Just to make me feel even moor alone I have to listen to everyone else having a good time.

    So I awake to another shirty lonely day with nothing in it.
    Its like am being punished for something. I sometimes think I must had been a really evil bastard in a past life.

    I had a quick look in your profile Forgotten_Man. You are right this is hell for some of us and haven some other lucky ppl. Wonder what they did to deserve such fine treatment from the world and what we did to deserve such a horrid life.
  9. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    I feel very bad for you and know how painful isolation can be. I just said a prayer for you. I BEG you not to hurt yourself. We need you here. You may help me or one of us in a time of need. So PLEASE stay!!!! You should try the 12 step community. You will meet other peoplem with issues there who know what it si like to hurt and reachout for help. People there won't judgr you and you will build up a network of friends.I used to be isoalted and then i started going to 12 step meeting and I made so many new friends i became too busy! You will also be able to help as well as being helped. You are a great person that is just caught in a rut. That's all. You can break out. Go to groups and meet new people eventually you will naturally develop friends and aquaintences. You will be so social and busy you won't believe. You will also be helping and supporting other people too. PLEASE check this out!!!! PLEASE

    writeme if you like,

  10. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    Hi Ben..
    I just thought i would write to say that i have read your thread and i really do feel for you :hug:
    I havent been out of my house for about a year now.. and i get really lonely too.. its odd how there are so many people in this world.. yet there are some of us who are still so isolated from everything.. whether or not its our own doing to some degree.. it just doesnt seem right..
    I know my situation is slightly different to yours.. but i just wanted to say that i hope you stay around SF for a while.. its helped me a great deal.. especially in overcoming the loneliness..
    Take care x
  11. Ben121

    Ben121 Active Member

    Thanks for the replays and trying to help.
    If only we all lived closer together.

    Mandy, how do you get your shopping if you never go out?
    Am guessing that your have some sort of social anxiety.

    You know I have been in hospital many times in my life. Moor times then I even remember. I have also had moor then my fair share of operations. 2 of them where major. Its not that that's the hardest thing to deal with though.
    Its what happens inside your head. My parents have been told be for to not expect me to live. I have myself been told be for that I well never walk again. (I did) I have had it hard in them ways. But its not any of that that's hard. Its the mental side of life. The feeling of not being loved or even wonted and even mostly that I don't feel useful in anyway. Its the silent battles that well kill you. The ones that ppl can not see.

    Your post did help a little actually. I don't know why you just come across that you understood a bit.

    Its just when you feel so down there is nothing you can do. No place to go. Just seat there looking into thin air with that feeling inside that's just to horrible to even explain. I could not find the worlds to describe how bad it is.

    I guss its all about getting back up again.
    I guss I have to try again. Ive not got what it takes to end it. I wish I did.

    Thank you all here :)
  12. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    You are welcome Ben. You have so much courage!!!! I am impressed!

  13. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    Hi Ben..
    I do my shopping online.. and get it delivered..i live with my brother.. so he can get the shopping from my door for me.. thank goodness.. or i dont know what i would do..

    You sound like a really nice person.. and i hope to see you around the forums.. If you feel lonely anytime.. feel free to send me a message.. x

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