Why am I comitting suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KnightInArmour, Jun 18, 2013.

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  1. KnightInArmour

    KnightInArmour New Member

    I was born in India to an Indian-British family as far as I have been able to trace my roots. I grew up in a place near the Indian capital in conditions little better than the streets. My parents were kind-of poor but more than that my dad, who is the most selfish person I've ever come across did not want me to go to school and through some strokes of luck I made it through elementary after which I had to earn my fee through merit or work or pity. Anyway after that kind of struggle, after high school, my dad wanted me to be a manual daily wage worker, so I left home and worked to get into college. My motivation throughout to get an education had been my lack of identification and sense of belonging in the country and community I lived in, which was of course Indian. I always felt an overwhelming urge to live in the west and always embraced it's culture including Christianity. I do not know whether it was my British roots that caused this or something else, but it was just that way from the start. As a result, starting after high school, I made an extraordinary effort to get to a grad school in the west assuming that with a western education and outlook, I would have a realistic chance of living a normal life, for everything I did in India was like trying to make water flow uphill.

    The problem was that I didn't even have enough money to pay a one way air fare to the west. So after a gigantic and a mentally taxing effort of 10 years, through sheer will and brutal determination, sleeping in rain and sunshine (as I sometimes could not afford housing), drinking sulphur infected water (because I lived my college years in a Sulphur warehouse) I made it into 5 really great grad schools in the US with full financial aid as an international student, which meant that I not only had to pay no tuition, but I was being paid a stipend to cover my living expenses including free healthcare policy by the university and air tickets -- all in return of the research I would be doing as a grad student at the engineering school. Sounds perfect, right?

    So after 20 years of my gypsy like existence, I had achieved what very few people are able to achieve in life- the impossible dream - the wild goose chase. It looked like I had made it until I went to the embassy to clear some 'formalities' at the US embassy where my visa application was rejected- thrice.

    So fast forward 6 months after that debacle, I find it hard to drag through a living hell I made for myself. Not only I have lost my mental ability to take anymore stress due to having overexposed my brain to it all these years, but I also realized I have to deal with a depression that is natural after experiencing a mental trauma. I am clueless what to do - the perfect life I had sought and almost made to through- a loving girlfriend/wife, a decent job and some kind of paper that would have made my indefinite stay in the west possible, cannot be achieved anymore. Its another thing when the one thing you want requires you to try again, come back stronger, another if the world determines that you can't have it no matter what you do. So I have considered changing my plan, accepting myself , etc. However I know as a person, I have not been able to get what I had set out to-- which for me is my biggest ghost.

    So thanks to that famous book on suicide, I now know what I need. I have just started out the journey to procure them and I hope it wont be too hard in a country like India where anything goes as long as everyone goes home happy. I am just wondering about my family finding my dead body one day and the impact it would make on them. I wonder why I care but I suppose I do not want my body being found out- I just want to disappear. Until I come up with that kind of plan, I am alive. But I guess i am a go getter and it will conclude soon. It all ends--- the agony, the disappointments, the anxiety, the anger and frustration. I wonder why I was alive all this time :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 18, 2013
  2. fallenangel

    fallenangel Member

    Dear friend,

    From your post I hear that you are a brother in Christ, and I just want to affirm you that you are not alone.
    Please understand that life in itself is a precious gift and I hope you will see it that way.

    I appears to me that you've been a fighter, and I am humbled by your testimony and I respect you for your courage. I just hope that through this period, you will submit your worries onto the Lord, for God's grace will be sufficient for you my friend...

    Deuteronomy 30:19
    "19 This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live"

    What brought me back to SF tonight was after I watched this video online...

    There was a time not too long as I was in this same place of depression, sorrow and self pity... And I even started looking up on methods and reading up on all the negative stuffs...

    It was a cycle which I couldn't get out of it... At that point in time, I really didn't understand what was happening to me and my life and I wanted to give up too...

    But looking back retrospectively, I realized God has never planned for me to go through anything to which I cannot handle...

    I guess it takes quite a bit of faith for us to believe that all will be fine if we continue living... But it is because of that little faith in us that will move mountains...

    I really encourage you to be strong brother.
    Don't b afraid to live.
    Fill your life with meaningful things and snap out of self-pity...

    Pray to a God that is real and you've experienced it...

    Do not let the devil win in this struggle, for you are the prized possession for both sides. God created you, honor Him.
    For the saying goes, the idle mind is the devil's play ground...
    Fill your life with positive emotions and be uplifted my dear friend

    God be with you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 18, 2013
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