Why Am I Doing THIS?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Mar 6, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I keep doing it. I keep swallowing stuff. I hope it will get me. Why though? I compare my life to the life of others and it's not that bad is it? What has happened has happened and there is nothing I can do about bout it. So why do I do what I do. I let quite a lot tonight then broke it and swallowed it. If it does get me then I can't accident it really can I. It's been a few nights on the row I have swallowed shit, I know if does get to that serious stage with hospital and crap then I can't say was accident anymore can I? I think I am getting to the stage where I worrry about how it will look. That worries me. That worries me a lot!
     
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    What did you swallow?
     
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    A hyodermic needle
     
  4. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I think I know what a hypodermic needle is(well vaguely). Have you ever done this before? What were the outcomes?

    A needle floating around inside of you is likely to do a bit of damage, sounds pretty gnarly to me D:
     
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    It's a needle, as in what you inject with. It's clean as I was the one who brought them off ebay. No. Never done this before. I only did it as I know people who have swallowed FB's before and nearly died. They told docs what it was and that's why they were saved. I have a needle in my arm at the moment which the docs all think was accident but I was letting and went too far and ended up shoving it in. I am waiting for plastic surgeon consult at the moment to get it out. They are saying I may have to have an operation. My plan is to not fast and hopefully will aspire under the GA. But have to wait and see what the surgeons say.
     
  6. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member


    Swallowing sharp objects is going to cause you so much pain surely. Is that really what you want? How do you see it playing out?
    I'm guessing that if you aspirated under GA you will be surrounded by medics who would resuscitate you.
    What's provoking you to swallow FBs?
    X
     
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I thought that. So I got IV access and blew air in. Don't know what that will do. I suppose it's just matter of waiting and seeing.
     
  8. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    I'm surprised this all hasn't already caused you agonizing pain. Sharp, metallic objects being ingested? Needles?

    I know you want to die, but this isn't going to kill you, and it's probable that you'll have foreign objects lodged in your digestive tract.

    Aren't there any alternatives than what you're doing now?
     
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sounds like things are spiralling down. do you think your sessions with sam are triggering something? does she know what's going on (the swallowing stuff)? can you tell her? maybe she has some ideas on self care. sending a big hug. please take care,

    c
     
  10. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    No she doesn't know. I wont talk about it either as I don't want to get help for it. I don't want another hospital trip and I don't want anything done about it. My hand and arm are making weird noises as of the air I blew in and they are quite painful. But it's bareable.

    I know things have spiraled.

    I have taken a days study day today which i have had oweing so I don't have to be at work. I have the post self harm blues. I feel so let down with myself and think about the long term consequences of it. Which although I am of the frame of mind where I want it to work but I feel annoyed with myself for going with more short term gain. I do want to die but this is not the way I planned. It doesn't really look accidental does it? But then it was hardly impulsive knowing I have done the same thing a few nights running. So it's getting to the stage now where I am losing it. I am losing that control.

    It is scaring me that I am losing that control. I want to be able to control the way in which I go, not have it based on impulsivity.

    I don't know what to do?!
     
  11. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sounds like an odd way to play Russian roulette, and I was wondering besides SH if there is not the influence of the 'gambler' in this...I make, I make, it hurts, it hurts me...then the reality...it will hurt me...just wondering and hope you are doing better today...it took me years to realize that I actually have so little control that if I stopped focusing on that, and looked more at what I was doing closer to the moment, I served myself better...big hugs
     
  12. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I don't get what you mean.

    Not doing well today tbh. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't study, I can't read, I can't even veg infront of the tv, I have just been sitting on my bed staring in to space.

    My stomach hurts a little but I am wondering if it is psychological. In that I know what I did and I am experiencing psychological pain.
     
  13. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    This is just a thought and you can reject it but there's a contradiction here - you want to complete your studies but you want to seriously harm yourself. Which do you really want? X
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2011
  14. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I know. I live in a big contradiction. It's the whole 2 sides of me thing. Part of me wants to be sucessful in studies etc and the other wants to die. It's a constant fight. I wrote about it on my blog about how I am constantly fighting.
     
  15. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think we can hold many thoughts in our mind at the same time...so they are not really contradictions...I know for me, the amt of things I did and how close I got to the edge gave me a rush...it wasn't just abandon of self-interest, but also the power that came with the game...how far can I go? Where is the threshold? I think we do all of these things (and I am not prone to generalizations) because we cannot communicate effectively...if we were able to say clearly and receive the intimacy of "I hurt and I need to be cared for", we would not need to do these things...some ppl reduce this to 'attention seeking' which I do not feel is appropriate, but instead, a pathological way of communicating (attachment issues?)...at least, this is what has been true for me...also, when we feel shame, it is so painful when it is free-floating, so we do things that provoke shame so we have a place to attach it to...J
     
  16. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i think sam needs to know. things are escalating. clearly something is triggering you (and i have a good idea what it is). let her help.
     
  17. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    No because if I tell her it's grounds for her to break confidentiality as I have tried to kill myself (and it still could) and I don't want to go to the hospital. I am not going to the hospital.
     
  18. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Swallowing a needle is very unlikely to kill you. Unless you've got an iron constitution regarding pain, then its a lottery as to were the needle will end up. It could well perforate something sometime - I've read a few online reports as you may have yourself. If not others will have as this a worry for those who care about you. I include myself in that number also but at this time, I'm not pushing that.

    You can always claim it was an accident. People swallow needles a lot picking teeth - toothpicks also. I swallowed a tooth a while back - might have swallowed a plastic solider or two as a child also. There's your excuse - I mean, if you want to have hope at some point - you are best to deal with this needle now, otherwise it just as easily slip into the appendix, or even the liver. The pain would be too much at that point for you to keep your own counsel.

    So, getting help for this does not entail confessing to it being deliberate.

    I've read enough of your posts to recognise that you have a lot to offer people. You are a bit like the man in the movie 'It's a wonderful life' - we all are here. The man, thinks his life is over - but an angel jumps in the river before he does - forcing him to save this angel who is in the form of an ordinary, cumbersome kind of man. You may have seen this movie - but even so...

    The man says to the angel - "I wish I had never been born" - the angel is able to grant this wish but things do not turn out how the man or any of us might imagine. Life without us - it always effects others. By committing suicide it is a message others will take on-board - it can add up to someone maybe thinking it is the best way for them.

    Although I do not know you - I'd be horrified if you or anyone else succeeded in killing themselves. I have a lot of empathy - maybe too much sometimes. My fear is that caring for people will lead me down the path you are on right now. I say this, because every person I know, who killed themselves (except one person) was caring.

    I don't know how many people have killed themselves in this world, but I'm guessing millions and millions of poor souls over the centuries. Reading history, there are some famous cases. The Bible, has the most famous suicide, that of Judas. The one person I know who killed themselves and who never cared much for anyone - committed an evil and heinous act and killed himself - like Judas, his crime was grave.

    Nobody here comes under that category of evil. Everyone, has the common bond if you will in that we all care about others - or we used to! Depression hurts the most when we stop caring. If you stop caring for others you'll stop caring for yourself - and vice versa (the other way around also) A small part of us, knows we have a lot to offer, if only we could be hardened a little to the viciousness of depression and the subtle manner in which it piles insult to injury. We all need something to shield us from the everyday strife which can and does affect even the most hardy of souls.

    You've likely heard all this before though. That's the thing with being intelligent - you soon learn the coping mechanisms offered up by others, you likely know depression inside out - and know all the lingo also. You study this for Gods sake! so maybe I'm just annoying you. I know what its like to be so down that you can see the consolation words coming - and cringe as more 'good advice' is lined up. You want to die - people line up with platitudes and bull***.

    Truth is - life is a real drag. This world, collectively, 6 billion or so of us, seem to be doing a pretty good job at making life a misery for the majority. The best have doubts, the worse are 100% self assured. Even those of us who hate life will recognise that there are reasons for this.

    Worse of all - no matter what we might hold sacred, is also in doubt. The short time we get on this earth, it seems like an assault course sometimes - it starts off gently as a child. Thank god I was lucky there, but as an adult, as you move away from childhood, something dies in you - or gets killed off. The awe and wonder we felt as children, the thrill of discovery, the sheer joy of just being alive, we are told to sideline that. Seems like people carry a lot of fear, needlessly so. Maybe fear is more the opposite of love than hate, After all , love makes us want to bring people near to us and fear pushes them away. Hate would be a shotgun firing, most people do not hate but a lot of us fear. We fear what we do not understand sometimes - like depression - that is a prime candidate for encouraging fear to seem real and of substance.

    I know your in a dark place right now - but you have to think about the times when you felt some kind of joy and love, because that at least assures you that you have that ability. No need to ask what your talents are as you have one that, I am sure, would SAVE many lives if only you could finish that study and get back into the 'buzz' of getting up, spending 8 hours a day helping others, and making time for yourself to watch the roses grow and smell the blooms now and again.

    I know this will take some time - but the first move is sorting out that needle. Its nothing new for the ER staff when someone walks in and says "I've swallowed a needle". This is actually boring when you consider what goes into some people. The staff have a special collection of X-Rays of 'things people put in themselves'. Lets not think too much about that though!

    You CANNOT just wait for it to pass through - and its likely that the hospital will operate to remove it - keyhole stuff, more than likely. you'd be up and out in no time at all. Maybe the short stay will give you a jolt and you do not have to feel shame as its just an accident.

    Not been praying all that much lately, but did today and have just lit my prayer candle for you.

    Be well.

    Seek medical help for the needle.

    The rest, we'll take day by day, hour by hour. Your not alone in this battle, I'm kind of hoping you'll be around to advise me when I'm losing it.
     
  19. Lizzieni

    Lizzieni Well-Known Member

    Great post peacelovingguy. :)
    I wish my family and friends had your insight instead of platitudes.

    Please get help with the needle, it will bring pain with no gain.
     
  20. Lizzieni

    Lizzieni Well-Known Member

    GoldenPysch I can't believe I just gave you a rhymiing platitude after I complained about them- doh! Maybe it'll give you a tiny smile.x
     
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