I keep doing it. I keep swallowing stuff. I hope it will get me. Why though? I compare my life to the life of others and it's not that bad is it? What has happened has happened and there is nothing I can do about bout it. So why do I do what I do. I let quite a lot tonight then broke it and swallowed it. If it does get me then I can't accident it really can I. It's been a few nights on the row I have swallowed shit, I know if does get to that serious stage with hospital and crap then I can't say was accident anymore can I? I think I am getting to the stage where I worrry about how it will look. That worries me. That worries me a lot!