Why am i even still alive?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PureBlueLight, Feb 20, 2013.

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  1. PureBlueLight

    PureBlueLight Well-Known Member

    Basically, my life gets worse by every year i’m still alive.
    I never knew hapiness, never had a girlfriend, can’t get a job, my family hates me, being in this house is like breathing poison and sleeping in a coffin, a dark, cold, lonely one.
    If there’s one thing i understand is loneliness. I suffer everything alone, my friends have they’re lives and they’re long gone now, nobody helps me like i need, i feel horrible either it’s day or night, failed to kill myself once, i don’t touch pills, drugs, alcohol, there’s nothing to keep me alive, and not a single person to touch me or hug me or kiss me.
    I spent my last years wanting to die, and feeling close to nothing. When i die, i’ll go years late.
    I can’t love myself either, so i can’t help other people properly, and i wish i could have a job and house of my own, and travel far away, even if alone.
    There’s this feeling of certainty that i’ll never deserve to have a woman who can trully love me and be with me, helping me and making me feel alive and better, and giving me the every day atention i need so desperately. I will never deserve that, because that would be hapiness, and i don’t even know what hapiness is!
    I can’t cry anymore, feel cold, my chest hurts, nobody cares if i live or die, good things never happen to me, and if they did, i wouldn’t know what to do with them.
    There’s no love in my life, when i rarely tell someone how bad i am, i end up creating problems and hurting that person.
    Basically i feel dead inside, and useless everyday, specially when i go out and come home, it feels so bad to come back to this place, but i have no money or other place to stay. My loneliness makes sure that my feelings die inside me.
    I need so much physical and mental help, there’s no way i’ll ever recover. But i’ll be just fine, i’m used to be dying alone anyway.

    Now I just realized i lost the last friend i had, when she said she would write back tomorrow, but instead disappeared… days ago!
    If the Sun was not raising now, i don’t know how i would survive through the night, feeling completly abandoned and alone again!
    My chest hurts, i feel so so so bad and numb, i can’t even cry…
    I WISH I COULD DIE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! :yuck:
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can get help hun depression can be treatable I am sorry you are so isolated hun as i know how much that can hurt. Everyday hun you need to just get out and be amongst people just say hi walk in a mall go for a coffee talk to someone ok. You keep talking here ok Lots of kind people here hun go to chat post let go of some of the sadness here
    Hugs to you Your friend maybe just not well or busy hun i hope she contacts you soon hugs
     
  3. PureBlueLight

    PureBlueLight Well-Known Member

    There's nothing i can do to get rid of this extreme loneliness.
    I was born to suffer alone until i die, and that's exactly what's happening. I'm such a failure at life, that these last years i've been just waiting to die.
    Never will i receive a kiss or hug, and i don't care about girls anymore. I'm done with trying, i wish it would rain for days because i can't even cry anymore, so numb and dead i am.:rain:
     
  4. boochoo

    boochoo New Member

    Don't know if this will go thru but i get it. Or, at least, I think that I do. Feeling quite a lot the same but I have friends but I cut myself off and I do drink. :p Sorry, I guess the whole point of all this is to have the perspective that others are going thru similar things and we can help each other hang on. Love you, hold on.
     
  5. PureBlueLight

    PureBlueLight Well-Known Member

    You can share whatever you want, i even appreciate the more you or anyone else writes, because it helps us all to stop thinking about what we feel we need to say.
    I don't have friends anymore, neither do i cut myself or drink alcohol, those things will make you feel even worse, please stop.:nono:
    Love me? Nobody even wants to touch me!:boink: :cold:
     
  6. Mustang

    Mustang Well-Known Member

    I ask myself that question every damn day! Obviously I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone or anything, I am a complete waste of space and every damn day I wake up, why?! There is absolutely no point to my life, if there is I haven't figured it out yet and I'm way too old to figure it out now! Why can't I just fucking die!?!?!?!?!?!
     
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