Why am I getting suicidal feelings when I'm not even depressed?!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by feathers, Dec 23, 2010.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    My depression passed at the click of a finger on December 1st. I've still been struggling since with traits of borderline personality and I keep doing horrible things. With BPD I change person completely. I do things that are completely stupid. I just sent the most malicious and hurtful email that I could muster to my ex from 2 years ago, because I remembered how he hurt me and rejected me. However now that I've come back to be myself I feel it was the stupidest decision ever. I can't control myself and just keep fucking up. I might be pregnant, because last month I wanted to be, and this month the impulse has passed.

    Therapy seems miles away at the minute as well because the fucking NHS are just passing me around without me really getting any progress or EVEN A DIAGNOSIS! It's getting infuriating because I know fine well what's wrong with me and the psych knew fine well what was wrong with me but wouldn't diagnose me for fear of a NEGATIVE LABEL! WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME, THAN A NEGATIVE LABEL, IS GETTING TREATMENT! How the fuck am I meant to get treatment if the people I'm being passed around to don't even know what's wrong with me? I can't be sent for borderline therapy if I'm not officially borderline!

    It seems so impossible to get better, to stop this behaviour. I can't see any way whatsoever for a psychiatrist to help me on this, to stop me changing so very completely and fucking up my life. It seems so impossible that I just want to die even though I am not depressed anymore, so I don't understand why I can be having suicidal feelings so intense as I have been the past few days. It just all seems so hopeless, stories I've heard about the effectiveness of therapy are not good so I'm not hopeful for that, and apparently it takes years or therapy to recover from BPD if you do at all (and I'm not even started yet, not even diagnosed). It's going to be so difficult to change myself that all I want to do is just die so that I save myself the trouble.

    Also I might very well be pregnant saying as my period is 3 days late now and I nearly threw up this morning. What the hell have I done? I'm fucked up, messed up in the head. I can't look after myself never mind a kid. I can't even guarantee my own life nevermind raising a child. Fuck, these impulsive decisions sure as hell fuck up my fucking life.

    I just wanna die :(.

    Kaz x
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    How did your depression pass with the click of a finger?

    If you are pregnant, that could be having an effect on how you feel, I suppose.
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    It always passes with the click of a finger. It always starts very suddenly, too. It's not normal depression, most likely related to the BPD (rapid changes in moods).

    But yeah I guess the pregnancy could be doing it, somehow I never thought of that...
  4. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    First you need to establish whether you are pregnant or not, that will have a bearing on your feelings simply because it will mess with the chemicals sloshing round your body. How did you feel you got out of your depression at the start of the month? Can you go back to what you were doing then in order to make yourself feel better.

    Depression is a long road and there is not a scrap of shame in relapse, you'll rebound quicker this time. You can do it.

    Here if you need to talk,
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    My depressions tend to last 3/4 months and come around about once a year...

    With the whole BP lifestyle there is always drama in my life so I had about half a normal day after I was depressed before something else started stressing me out :/ It's always the way. I don't think I'm relapsing, I don't feel like I'm depressed at all... I'm just losing hope,

    Thanks for the replies
  6. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    What's the difference?
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    When I am depressed there is a presence that I feel... I can feel the depression inside me, in my chest, pulling down on me, and I know that I am depressed. I am like that constantly. I am exhausted. I am unmotivated. I am miserable all day every day.

    I am not depressed now. I am just emootionally unstable.
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