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why am i here? I don't have an answer.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by swimmergirl, Feb 8, 2009.

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  1. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    And I have searched for an answer, prayed for one and worked to find an answer and yet I still come up empty. There is no purpose to my life. Maybe my soul is caught in the wrong dimension and I need to set it free so it can go on and find a purpose in another life, another existence. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of the disappointment. I am tired of the sadness. I am tired of deceiving myself. I just need the courage for one final act of utter cowardice so I can find relief from the emptiness and correct the mistake that is me.
  2. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    I was just thinking the EXACT same thing right now. I feel also, really and truely that my soul is in the wrong dimension or world or universe and I want to go find where I REALLY belong. Cuz I sure as hell don't feel like I belong here. I also am tired, so tired, of the fighting, disappointments and sadness. Everyday I ask myself - "Another day, Really???" "Can I take it, or do I give up." Really, HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO GO ON WITH THIS INTOLERABLE SUFFERING!!!! Really???

    I feel you.....

  3. jKORE

    jKORE Senior Member

    You are not a mistake, swimmergirl. You are a gift. To have stayed afloat amidst the storm of this world so far proves you are one of us, A FIGHTER.
    We are the strongest people in the world, no matter how weak and insignificant you may feel. We are the ones that continue to conquer.
    Your example in just being here, in sharing with us your issues has helped us in ways you couldn't know. For every man or lady, boy or girl, that joins in, that lends their support, they make it easier for the rest of us to cope. You make it easier for us to cope.
    Is that not a noble enough purpose? To give others life by your continued struggle?

    I feel your pain deeply, I know I can speak for many others here. You are not alone in this journey to find your place. We are right beside you on that road. And we are here to listen if ever you want to talk. Anytime :)

    Hope you are safe.
  4. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    swimmergirl, I can't even tell you how much I relate.

    I don't think that I really feel like my soul is in the right place. There is just no connection. I don't want to die because "something" happened. I just really feel that I don't belong on this planet. I don't want to be here. I am useless here. Let me go to find a world that I want to be in.

    I have no anwsers.........and I don't really think that any good ones exist.

    -:blink::blink::massbounce: :wallbash: :sadyes:
  5. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    It helps to know that I am not the only person who feels this way, who feels so lost and disconnected,and ironically, there is some connection there!

    But, it is still painful when I am sitting here wondering if I have the strength to keep fighting, or if it really just makes more sense to stop fighting. There is only so much suffering that the human spirit can tolerate. The cruelty of mental illness is how unrelenting it can be, and how impossible it is to treat. I think the most human thing to do may be to kill myself. This is not a life I am living, there is no purpose, there is only pain and despair with bouts of illusions of hope.

    After a while, a person's heart begins to break into a million little pieces and they feel dead inside, it only makes sense to end the charade. But it is so hard to find the courage to do it, to make that final decision, to end it for good, to give up all hope even amidst so much pain, there is some little piece of my heart that wants to believe that things can change. I hate that because it hurts so much to be alive right now, I just want to not hurt so much.

    Is that too much to ask, to not live in constant pain and misery? To feel connected to other people? To have hope? To feel like I belong here? To believe that I have a purpose? To not ask constantly "Why am I here?" Am I asking for too much? Am I crazy or what? I just want to feel normal, and feel like I belong here, like I matter.
  6. Seerbrum

    Seerbrum Well-Known Member

    Swimmergirl... You are crazy. Its a good thing, at lest your not a boring "normal" person. (Ok all kidding aside).

    You may be ill, but that doesn't make you a bad person.
    You may just be confused, that's fixable.

    You wish to not live in pain, well its a choice you have to make. You've gotta find that thing, that hope, and that reason that lifts you from your pit of despair.

    You've got the strength inside of you, because you ask the tough questions. Sadly no one has the answers but YOU my way-ward friend. And it will take a life time to find them, but you will.

    The first step is refusing to be defeated. Defeat is not a state of being, but a mental attitude. I can't tell you how, because everyone is different, but if you truly want to be happy and with out pain, then choose different for yourself.

    It will be a long, and even painful journey with missteps and mistakes, but if you refuse to be defeated. You will win, and you'll win many times over.

    Seek help, seek answers, and don't stop asking those tough questions. As long as you wish better, better will come.
  7. porcelain child

    porcelain child Well-Known Member

    Everyone has a purpose to be alive.. but searching for it won't make it come any faster.. one day you will wake up and you will think i am needed and this is why i am here...

    You never know what is around the corner...
  8. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I sure hope I wake up soon.

    Is it me, or do most other people feel like their life has a purpose, or do they just wait for it??

    I think most people find meaning in something: their family, children, faith, work, friends, hobbies, etc... something gives their life a purpose, connects them to someone or something. I don't have that. That's why I feel like I could leave today and it wouldn't matter, no one would really notice, it wouldn't change the universe that much...
  9. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    I don't know if you just "wake up" one morning with a purpose.

    For me, it does take searching, alot of soul searching to discover if you can find a life worth living. Sometimes I've been able to stay around for a purpose for awhile, but then that fades away in time. I think it's different for everyone. Sometimes I do want to stay around to see what's around the corner. But for me, the same thing is always around the corner - depression and hopelessness. Even when I try so hard to fight thru it. I can make it out for awhile, then it all comes crashing down again. I have a chemical imbalance that hasn't been able to be managed by medications and that will probably never change.

  10. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I agree, I don't think you just wake up with a purpose.

    A wise person once told me that "the meaning of life is to give life meaning".

    You have to go after it, seek it out, create it yourself.

    But sometimes you can't, because your mind won't let you no matter how hard you try or desire it, you keep getting kicked or dragged down.

    Another wise person, once said, "fall down seven times, get up eight."

    So, you get up again, even though it hurts like hell, you try again, but I think eventually there comes a point where you can no longer take the suffering and then you choose to die. Only you can know when you are at that point, until then you are a doubtful case to others because no one else can know your pain. When you are dead though you cease being a doubtful case because you cease being. Then people take your suffering seriously, when it is too late.
  11. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    I agree.

    Even in all the depression, etc. I keep searching to find a meaning or something to live for. For me, there is usually something on the horizon that I can agree to stick around for a couple of months. And sometimes that doesn't work out, and then I'm kicked down again, like you said. And yes, I get up again and again.......searching for meaning.

    But, like you said, I agree that I think there comes a point when you just can't take it anymore. And people don't understand how bad it really is. I have a friend who has told me, I would understand why you would go thru with it. And she said, just please call me before you do, not so I can talk you out of it, just so I can say goodbye. I think she understands.

    For me, I try to look to Buddhist teachings when I am trying to find some reason to stay. The first principle of Buddhist teaching is that we all suffer. And we all have to find a way to deal. But I think for some, the suffering is more intorerable. I actually believe in reincaration. I think that I have been here before and killed myself and I will have to keep coming back to earth until I can make it thru without killing myself. Cuz if I don't, I'll be right back here again. But if I can make it, then I'll be able to move on to another, better dimension. Sometimes the possibility of that keeps me around, as silly as it sounds. And I"m not trying to advocate any certain philosophy or religion. These are just my experiences and beliefs, for now and for today.

    swimmergirl, you had posted before that it's very difficult for you to tell people how you are really feeling and how bad it really is for you. Maybe if could find a way to communicate this more effectively, you would be able to get more understanding and possibily some more help of some type and this may relieve some of the pain. Just a thought. I know for me how hard it is to tell people in a way will make sense to others. Sometimes there are just no words to accurately describe what you are feeling.

    Maybe if you keep searching.......it seems to me that you are because of what you are posting here. It seems that you are really and truly trying to find some kind of meaning to stay.

    I hope you keep searching.

    -annie :blink:
  12. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    we do all have a purpose, and a place

    it is a mystery- and a challenge- to find it.

    i know for sure. if you have a heart big enough to feel pain and reach out here, you have a huge heart for the world. .. and therefore, you are needed.

    reach out. don't give up; here we all understand. . . . and we care.
  13. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I do have a very hard time finding the right words to express my pain so that I can communicate with others, and I don't trust people and so some of my feelings of isolation are all of my own doing, and I am aware of that, but struggle with changing it out of fear.

    The emptiness though is the part I don't get, it is so pervasive and overwhelming. I just look around and see so others who seem happy, connected and living and I feel so dead inside it just makes me want to disappear for good.

    I am going to try and talk about this with my therapist today and try to explain how much it is hurting me because I need to find some relief before I do something I might regret.
  14. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    How did it go with your therapist?

    -annie :unsure:
  15. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    It went okay. He really didn't say much.

    I think I just need to tell him I am going to kill myself. But I don't want to do that because I really don't want to be stopped, I don't want the option taken away, that's probably why i don't tell him.
  16. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    But if you tell him it will open the discussion of how miserable you and the enormous amounts of pain that you are enduring.

    I tell my therapist when I am highly suicidal. I make it very clear to her that it is an option. Maybe not one that I will use today or tomorrow. But it is an option. My therapist understands the level of suicidal ideation that plagues me and to ignore or deny it, just makes it worse. I have found a therpist that I can trust and I know won't put me in the hospital when I tell her these things. I don't know if you have that kind of relationship with your therapist.

    As you've said, you have a difficult time expressing yourself. This may be a good chance to tell him how you are really feeling. And carefully tell him about the suicide stuff, in a way that he won't overract.

    I don't know if this is helpful. It just seems that swimming around in all this pain and not telling anyone (or your therapist), is eating you up inside. It may help relieve some of the pain to get it outside of you. ??????????

  17. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    i think you are right, I am really scared though because I don't just want to get thrown back in the hospital because that doesn't help either.

    I see my therapist again on Thursday, so I am going to try really hard to be open. It is so hard for me, but you are right, it is almost harder to keep it all inside at this point.
  18. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    I hope it goes well. The key with talking to professionals about suicide is just letting them know that you are just suicidal, not necessarily that you are going to act on it. When you say that you are going to act on it, then they throw you in the hospital. I don't think putting you in a hospital is helpful either. I just hope that some of the pain can be relieved by letting him know just how bad it really is for you.

    Let me know. I'll be keeping you in mind :hug:

    Stay in touch and be well and safe. I know it's hard, but you can do it.

    -annie:massbounce: :rolleyes:
  19. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    keeping things inside you does not help. try telling him up first that you dont want to get put back into the hospital but that you wish to speak with him on a friend to friend basis and not a therapist to a client bases, let him know that you feel that being put back in the hospital will not help you and that talking with him as a friend will.

    if it is really hard for you to be open, then try writting down your feelings and what you want to speak with him about and when you see him and you cant open up by talking just hand him the paper you wrote it down on. thats my problem, when i cant talk face to face i usually write it down and give it to those i need to speak with, it helps me out a lot and might help you to be open with him..

    let us know how it went and how your doing!
  20. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi... definitely do not continue holding these feelings inside...i know how it feels to have so much pain inside...that it feels you are standing in the street screaming - but no one hears you.

    when i talked to my therapist about suicidal feelings, i worded it cautiously; i certainly did not want to be hospitalized. but i just needed her to know how hopeless i felt. . so i was careful to tell her i wasn't necessarily going to act on the feelings, only that i had them and wanted to deal with them, and start to search for healing.

    dealing with this deep pain, is a start upwards, on your own search for healing. there is hope for you, for each of us. the other's suggestions on ways to open up, writing it down, etc, are really helpful. please keep reaching out here too - you know we understand you - and we care.
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