Why am I here - on this forum

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kaworu, Feb 22, 2011.

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  1. Kaworu

    Kaworu Member

    I've got the notion that ending my life could be a considerable alternative for the past 10 years. In fact, I visited dal.net's #suicide quite frequently in late 2000, early 2001, and was thinking about methods and stuff. I was a loner, I considered myself a loser, I had social problems, a misfit...

    A lot changed in 10 years, and through almost all this time, I did not think about suicide - at least until the past few months.

    A lot changed, but my feelings did not. I am stuck in a place I don't like, in a job I don't enjoy, and every day I seem to be doomned by the fact I'll be stuck on it for the rest of my life. I am also stuck in a happyless marriage, which I took simply because she was the only person who agreed to stay with me. She is a good person, but I feel trapped in a relationship I must maintain. She is childish, and I have to pay up her college education - and it doesn't look like she'll graduate at any time.

    Also, my father has been diagnosed with brain cancer, and is in need of much care. I have no free time, worried about his treatment costs, and I've always concerned and worried about his well being and what will happen to him. He was the closest person I had in my life, and now... I don't know what's going to happen.

    I dispise myself, still being a friend-less pathetic misfit, ugly and with no self steem. My plan was to wait until my father situation is over, then kill myself and leave enough money for my wife to conclude her studies and live on our apartment until she gets a good job - she might marry someone who's better for her.

    I just need a good method and gathering up guts to do it. The only idea I have is to jump out of the building... If you guys have any ideas, I'll apreciate.
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    This forum doesn't support suicide, and I don't think you really should kill yourself. There is so much more to life then just the depression and sadness. Sometimes it takes a while to see what your worth. Don't give up yet. :hug: I bet there is so much you can do in this life that you don't even realize yet. I hope things will get better for you. Things in life can always change. Take care.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No one here will give you any other ideas we support each other it is a pro life forum okay Like swift said there are other doors you can open try getting a new job or get involved in other activities that bring you happiness. You will only bring sadness to your wife and guilt and dispair I hope you continue to reach out here for support okay hugs to you
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Through out your post I feel the loneliness and frustration. You arent alone when you're here. Keep posting. It really does help. It lets you get things out that you cant talk about in RL to others. And it helps to connect you to other members here that understand what you are dealing with. Please dont give up. Give yourself another chance and see if someone here can help pull you through. You did once for 10 ten years hun. This is a relapse and you can get through it. You are experiencing a lot of bad stuff right now. But I also see the courage and strength you possess. Certainly, you're tired. You have every right to be. Let the members here help you while you take a break from the things that have led you here :arms:
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Kaworu. I'm so sorry to hear that your loving father has been diagnosed with brain cancer. I really hope that he recovers from it. I'm also sorry to hear that your marriage isn't working out, but all marriages have ups and downs. There is no perfect marriage.

    You need to be strong for your own sake and for your dad's sake. He needs you now and your wife needs your support too, to help her graduate college. I know that you're going through a very difficult time and suicide seems like your only way out, but you can beat this if you be strong. :hug:
  6. Kaworu

    Kaworu Member

    Thanks for the responses.

    Not quite easy dealing with that. While my problems may seem tame for those who had terrible lifes and terrible losses, things get worse and worse and I feel worse and worse in a way that just keeps me over the edge. Things are not turning out very well.
  7. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    You sound very unhappy with your lot.
    I hope you look at making the changes to bring contentment.
    I hope your father gets better, he will need you more than he will ever tell you.
    I hope you can start liking yourself, it comes from within you see.
    Make a list of what you like about yourself, there will be things, even if it is just concerns for others and a capability to give, thats a start.
    Make a list of the things you dont like. This is the hard bit, the bit that hurts.
    Try to be the person you truly wish to be, not easy i know, but as you work on every little thing you do dislike, you will become that person.
    We can all do this, i so wish you well.
  8. Nick_K

    Nick_K Well-Known Member

    Your dad is suffering from cancer. That is not a tame problem; that is something that anyone would have trouble dealing with. If your coping ability is already diminished because of low self esteem and social isolation then it is going to be that much harder. On top of just dealing with the fact that he is sick you also have to make time for his care and support your own family. That's a lot of sh-t to handle on your own.

    You say you despise yourself but there must be something good about you for you to support your wife and father through this time. Have you considered finding a support group for people taking care of parents with cancer? This could help by reducing the isolation you feel and also get you in touch with people who understand part of what you're going through.
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