Why am I here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fedupforreal, Feb 14, 2011.

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  1. Fedupforreal

    Fedupforreal Well-Known Member

    I have to talk myself out of this every single day. I've asked a few questions in other forums and have yet to receive an answer. In case you're wondering, no one knows what the purpose of life is. I've asked too many times. The purpose seems to be to sleep around, get drunk, get high, and work a job. The only one of those things I do is the job part.

    I desperately need a real reason to be here or I see absolutely no reason to stay. And we keep having kids. I don't understand how anyone can do that--when you have a baby, you can giggle and smirk about the sexual escapade that led to that baby, but think about it: you've just sentenced another life to 60-80 years here. What is the real purpose of life? Did you bring them here for that? "Welcome to the planet. All that's here is deviance and self-indulgence. Hope you can fill your time with that. Be sure to pay all your bills."

    That's a life??? Especially if that baby is a girl. You have the media and everybody walking around that comes within earshot and eyeshot of that girl telling her her body is public property and she had better dress like she knows that. Look at the boys. Look at the men. What do you see? T-shirts and jeans. Still, in 2011, they can dress like people. Look at the girls. Look at the women. Dare to say anything and they'll have a fit because they can't seem to see that anything at all comes between 'puritan scullery maiden' and 'hooker.' Are we that stupid? There's your equal rights. We're still in that box, they're never going to let us out of that box, and we're too stupid to see it.

    So giggle, giggle, smirk, sex. Giggle, giggle, smirk, drunk. And giggle, giggle, smirk, high. This is what we're supposed to fill 60-80 years with?

    I was lied to. I looked at my paternal grandparents and saw a marriage over 50 years old. I saw love. I can't have that. It's passe'. I looked at my maternal grandparents and saw a marriage over 60 years. I saw love. I can't have that. It's puritan.

    What I can have now is giggle, giggle, smirk, get drunk, get high, bed hop, do threesomes, 'can I pee on you,' party, party, party. Well, there's nothing there but torment, heartache, and drama, and you get to the end of your life and have N O T H I N G. I should stick around for that?

    Anything there was that was here and real for any baby has been ripped apart and ground under. Laugh if you want. All that stuff is cool, right? We fell for the flash and banter of a well-dressed idiot. What's cool about that?

    It's been 20 years for me. TWENTY. I am not entitled to any affection. I'm entitled to get hit on by married men, men asking me to be part of an orgy, and men wanting to urinate and defecate on me. I say 'no' and of course I'm the uptight one. What does any of that crap lead to? Wow. You had so much fun that you forgot to look around and see that you don't have even one single thing--that crap got you nothing. That's the purpose of life?

    No. I did not get brought here for that garbage. Where is the real stuff that life is supposed to made of? What's left? Why am I here?

    We didn't come from apes. We turned into apes. There's a distinct difference. I'm all hooked up and ready to go. Give me a real reason to stay.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 14, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    reason to stay a reason why we are here well only you can answer that one
    i am here and i have a purpose because i chose to have a purpose in life and not be used and not be a nothing that everyone said i would be. You have to choose why you exist I am here i am carer and i help others so they do not have to live with such pain You can be someone anyone you can have a purpose you have that in you make it so
  3. Fedupforreal

    Fedupforreal Well-Known Member

    I appreciate your response, but it's been twenty years--celibate. Sorry, I need affection, and it's just not out there at all. So where I sit right now is that I work a job so that I can pay the bills I make. If I'm not here, I don't need to pay rent or buy food or keep lights on. I serve no purpose here and life has been stripped of its meaning by yet another emotionally-detached, sexually-confused, very very VERY pro-drug generation. If all life is is un-emotional bed-hopping, getting drunk, and getting high, why should I stay?

    Charitable and volunteer work is admirable, but I need substance in my every day life. I don't have that and I won't have that. I don't see any reason to stay. I damn sure wasn't brought here for the sucking void that the TV tells me all life is and should be. What really fills me with a sense of purpose is having one person--ONE--person to love, who loves me. One person for me to care for and who cares for me. Apparently that's just so uncool, it had to be bashed and shredded and drummed out of society. I'm supposed to sleep around, screw in groups, get drunk, and get high. That's not a life. At all. I won't stay around for that.

    This happened to the Indians. The American ones. It was one skirmish after another. One battle after another. And these Indians couldn't see beyond their own small, individual tribes. None of these skirmishes looked like the end of the world to them, even as they buried so many of their own.

    Enough skirmishes went by with the wrong side winning, and all of a sudden, some tribes were gone forever and the ones that survived finally looked around and saw that their entire country was gone. I'm going through the exact same thing. I want my country back. It's not coming back, and there is not even one single person out there anywhere for me.

    So my life is working a job just to make the bills I make. That's a circle with no break in it anywhere. Why should I stay?
  4. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Wow, that was really sad.

    I find it unfortunate you ended up on a side trip, and not one you created. Seems you were somewhat lured by other folks agendas (yeah kick me if you wish but it's bloody true! no one bothered to fucking LISTEN TO THE WORDS)

    I think you had some valid things to discuss, had others been able to drop the b.s. and get on track with what you were attempting to express and what i was grasping to understand.

    I am truly sorry your thread was closed as i found validity in it, and had hoped you'd be able to express more of your thoughts, instead of having to counter attacks that were not pertinent to what you were attempting to express.

  5. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I found it fucked up that your thread was closed, too.

    It saddens me all the more and lessens my hope in humanity. Anything different and original gets shut down immediately. All people want to hear is bullshit, not the truth.

    That thread was the most original and interesting that I've ever seen on here since I've signed up.
  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Also, totaleclipse, if you want someone to be pro-life, closing their thread and shutting down their ideas probably isn't a good way to help that happen.
  7. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I have to say I'm saddened by the closure of said thread - although I freely admit my contribution to said closure, I think in all honesty we were not as poles apart as we may have thought - I think on both sides there was leaway to given...and I'm sorry I did not.

    It is an uncomfortable question when you have existential crisis - and one that deserves more opinions and thought.
  8. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    It almost seemed people were reacting more to the title of the thread, than to the substance of it...to what was really being said.

    This person just seemed to want to engage in an honest discussion of what the issue was...which they supplied a link too. I didn't find it to have anything to do with pro suicide or pro choice or anything of the sort.

    They just didn't want a pat on the back from ppl saying it's gonna get better, or a bunch of huggy emotes...they wanted some substantial answers, ideas, thoughts, discussion...this much any of us can do. Sometimes we need to listen closer...not get hung up on specific words. Maybe they are quite frustrated with all the b.s. and just want some real answers and convo. This person was not the one hung up on pro suicide/pro choice. They did not wish to discuss methods either. They referred us with a link to the real issue, yet only a few would engage them with this issue.

    I also think it's not right to push someone to the brink of suicide, by shutting down their voice.
  9. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hello there, I have read your other thread that was closed. I'm not going persuade you not to cause yourself harm or patronise you and whatnot. I don't necessarily agree with your views on how society has become. Yes, there is a lot of drunken, drugged up and meaningless sex in our world, but not all of society chooses to engage in it. Forgive me if I am wrong but perhaps you have spent too much time around the wrong people. It is positive that you choose not to indulge these things, but there is a purpose in life if you look hard enough for it. I feel somehow hypocritical in saying this as sometimes I want to end my life, I am not at that point yet and probably never will be. I have reasons to feel how I feel and I accept that I am ill. However, I know that when I am well again I will find that purpose in life again. In fact now I think about it, I do have a purpose in life, but my judgement is clouded by my illness. I have a fantastic family whom I love very much, a fantastic fiance also whom I love very much who I plan to marry in 2013, and no we are not together just for sex and the need to be wanted, we love each other. I am also training to be a nurse and yes it is a job, but it is a job I have a passion for and love. I one day aspire to have children, who I will raise and love them for who they are.

    Life isn't all unicorns and rainbows and people are not perfect either. People do have drunken one night stands, people do experiment with drugs, people are work obsessed but it doesn't necessarily make them bad people. Maybe it is pressure from society but people make mistakes, it is called being human. Nobody is perfect. I am sorry that you feel the way you do, I genuinely am. This is going to sound so cliche but love comes when you least expect it. Are there any other reasons you feel the way you do?

    I also don't agree with your views about the people on here. A lot of people in their time of crisis post here because they want help, and people post to offer their support and genuinely want to support people through your illnesses. Sometimes people need to hear that they have people on here to support them as it maybe what they are lacking in their lives. Some people do not get the affection in their life that they do on here. For some people this is the only place where they have friends that they can confide in, or just having friends at all. Not everyone is patronising by saying life will be ok and everything will be alright. A lot of the time things are shit and not alright. A lot of people here support you through how you are feeling and are not patronising in any way. I guess you just haven't found the right people yet.

    I think a lot of people are wondering, why you feel this way. I know you have stated your reasons for not wanting to be here, but what has caused these feelings, why do you feel this way and if you have acknowledged that you feel this way, have you sought professional help? Mental illness is an illness like any other. It can be treated, it can be cured, it can be controlled and yes it does take lives. The question is, do you ever want to beat your illness?

    I am here if you ever want a chat or support, and I hope what I have said doesn't anger you as no offence was meant to be caused. I do hope you find peace within yourself in whatever option you choose to take but always know this, you are not alone and we can help you on here, even if it is just listening to your thoughts and frustrations.
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    maybe you're here to change the world in some way...a crusader ..
    how about staying and doing your bit to get the world back on track..
    the world needs more people that want things changed and are willing to do something about it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2011
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