Why am I Life's Favorite Punching Bag?

[Ms.Mocha]

From the stories my mother tells me I was a relatively happy baby. She says I always smiled at everyone. I don't remember much of my early childhood but I do remember grade school,middle school,high school and what little of college I did have. In grade school I was kinda popular until I became chubby.I tried out for cheer leading(even though we had no teams) and did not make it even though I showed I was willing to put in the work and learn. Instead of choosing me they chose some other girls who only came to one practice out of many we had. I guess this would count as my earliest failure. Middle school I was chubby,had terrible acne and I had to start wearing glasses. So you can only imagine how I felt like life was screwing me over again. I could see the social classes forming and sadly I did not fall in with the shiny happy people. In high school things got a little better I lost weight and got contact lenses. Then just when my skin finally cleared up I developed a Lupus rash across my face. In addition to the rash my ankles and feet swelled up making me look like the marshmallow man from Ghostbuster's. I asked myself then if life were only picking on me because nothing bad had ever happened to my two siblings.Instead of dwelling on it too much I pushed those thoughts aside and kept living.Now I am 24 and life has gradually gotten worse for me. I am on dialysis 3 days a week because my lupus killed my kidneys. Every romantic relationship I have ever been in has failed. I am in a relationship with the same person who keeps cheating on me and abusing me emotionally. And at this point I am ready to throw in the towel because if history proves to be true then my life is on a constant downhill slope. My mother wants me to believe that there are people out there who have it worse than me and I believe this is true but why do I have to keep putting up with it? It makes me sad that I feel this way especially since my mom gave a graduation speech about me being the strongest person she knows. She has no idea how weak I really am and it hurts being strong for so long and having it all be a lie.

 

[total eclipse]

Hi hun sorry you are suffering so much physically and mentally It is hard to put on that mask i know that being said sometimes we do not see our inner strengths while other do
Your mother loves you so much hun and i am glad you have her for support Sometime we just have to take one day at a time ok hugs

 

[justsomegirl]

Ms. Mocha, first of all, I wish I could give you a for reals hug. I think you sound like a really strong person and you know what? It takes a super strong person to admit they need help and are struggling. You should be proud of yourself for that. I can only imagine how tiring it is to have health problems like that and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. It doesn't sound like your romantic partner is helpful at all, either...don't let anyone treat you as less than. I'm hearing that a lot of things are not how you want them right now; I know if you hang in there, slowly (maybe very slowly) the clouds will part and you'll have an upswing. :hug:

 

[JmpMster]

I am not sure what the point is of reminding people that "somebody else has it worse" - I guess as an occasional reminder to ourselves as a tool to remember people get do things even when it is difficult - but as a reason for us to be happy? It does not matter how many people are better at somethings or how they look or how they feel - none of that changes your life. You are sad and in pain because of your situation and that does not improve based on somebody else's situation. Your problems are real and your feelings are real. I hope you are getting some help with dealing with these feelings. Talk to your Doctors or ask for the social worker at the hospital where you are being treated and ask about supports or support groups that may be available to help you in your situation and to deal with the emotional aspects of your illness. You should not have to try to deal with all of it by yourself and if you ask they may have some resources available to help you with this.

Your mom seems to understand how difficult your situation is in reality, that is why she said you are the strongest person she knows. While her understanding and being proud of your efforts in dealing is good, maybe it is time to try some people to support you in a way that works better for you , so please talk to them , or ask your mother to help you find that support. Your strength is admirable, but everybody still needs a little help sometimes.

 

[Unknown_111]

Ms Mocha. I can relate to your post. Its hard but we must get up everytime and strive to do our best. I feel like that but I appreciate life because I am breathing everyday. Please take care.