Why am I not dead yet?!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Melodie, Dec 23, 2008.

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  1. Melodie

    Melodie Member

    I've been feeling suicidal for months, and I keep putting it off. Why am I not dead yet? I keep thinking about what my options are or what the future will be like for me, and I always end up with the same conclusion:

    1. I'm a failure.
    2. I'm worthless.
    3. I'm a useless lump.
    4. I will never accomplish anything.
    5. My depression is too much for me. I can't get over it. It's too much work.
    6. I would be better off dead.
    7. Death is the most logical, rational option for me!

    I failed all my classes this semester because I was depressed. My ex broke up with me because he couldn't handle my being depressed and suicidal. Now I'm living at home while all my peers are accomplishing things and moving on with their lives. I just can't do it. I can't be charismatic and land prestigious internships. I can't be really active in a bunch of student organizations and have a big network of friends and business contacts. I can't accomplish anything I want to. I should just die die die die. There's nothing for me anymore! All I do is cry and try to sleep so I don't have to be conscious.

    Thinking about getting help like therapy or meds seems pointless. I don't feel like I have the energy to help myself. Depression is too much for me to overcome.
  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Fist of all take a big breath and relax.
    Things are not as bad as you may think.
    You can always redo the exams no metter if you are 18 or 30.
    I know how hard depression can be but maybe you should rethink about
    your plans for your life, if you cant be educated then maybe you should
    try and live a simple life like many of us here.
    Sure we are not rich or anything close to that but at least we are alive.
    Things can always get better, espacialy after painful falls.
  3. MeAndYou

    MeAndYou Well-Known Member

    You also need to figure out why you are depressed. I noticed in another post of yours you said you didnt see any reason why you should feel so sad all the time. Maybe this is where a therapist wont be so useless. They can help pinpoint problems in your life that you are holding on to, and even decide whether or not its a true chemical imbalance in your brain. (Whether people agree with that or not, just throwing it out there)

    I hope you realize you can get over this. ::hug::

    Also you mention a lot of things that you say you cant do. You probably shouldnt do them all when you are so depressed. Its great to have goals in life, but you need to prioritize. Get healthy mentally and emotionally first. Then you'll be better equipped to tackle these issues regarding your future which is always slippery for everyone, and if you slip and fall, (because we all do), you wont feel so much like its the end.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 23, 2008
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Melodie,

    You aren't any of those things hun. You probably keep putting it off because you still have hope left. Hold on to that hope :hug: Please give meds and therapy a go..it might surprise you :arms:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Melodie,
    Your thoughts that you are a failure are not true. It is the depression talking not you. Depression raises it's ugly head in different forms for different people. You can beat it. You really need to get professional help. You can't fight it alone.
    Why don't you sit down and write your thoughts for a while. Then go to the ER and tell them you are suicidal and are afraid you will do harm to yourself. That should get you admitted. There is nothing to be afraid of going into the hospital. This way you will get to see a shrink and he will be able to tell if meds are the right thing for you to help take the edge off. Show him the stuff you have written down.
    He will be able to help set you up with a shrink on the outside and might be able to reccomend a good therapist for you. You will notice that the feeling tired all the time is easing up. Don't get me wrong you will have to work at it to get over this. Also you need to tell your therapist everything so she/he can put to gether a treatment plan to help you. It is very crutial to tell all.
    I hope you seek the help and going in the hospital is the first step, Take a book because it is rather boring sitting around waiting to see the shrink and usually a therapist inside. Don't weird out when you see people walking around and around the ward. They are just burning off excess energy. I do it my self when I am in there. Just sitting there on your hands just makes it that much more boring. Take care!!~Joseph~
  6. lachrymose

    lachrymose Account Closed

    i felt the same way. but i'm trying to put my foot out the door (looking for internships). usually universities have some sort of a counseling center. have you checked in? i am prescribed lexapro, anti-depressants, from my uni's counseling center and they work ok : )
  7. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Melodie, a lot of people say that when they first come here, it's not something that only you are feeling or have felt. It's not personal, it's a disease. To fight it you have to know it's not part of you, even though it has impacted you and slowed you down. Life is long, this is just a process. Some people feel helpless for two weeks, yet they feel like they've been struggling their whole life. Depression blinds you from happiness, but it can come back as quickly as it left.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't give up melodie. I'm sorry that you're failing your classes and that your boyfriend has broken up with you, but you can still make things better. You might meet someone else eventually and you can still re-take your courses and do better. :hug:
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