all my life, i have only had about one, possibly two decent friends and never been in a relationship of any sorts. currently, i have one close friend who i am able to talk to and just let it all out to. now, right when i need it the least, i feel that we are slowly drifting away. that is NOT what i need or want. i'm barely holding myself together here. i stopped cutting for several months but just recently, found myself picking up a razor again and just doing things to myself that i KNOW is not good. i find myself always extremely uncomfortable and shivering uncontrollably, even when it is not even remotely cold. i have NO self esteem, NO friends, and am completely incompetent and unable to do what i need. i love a girl but am unable to fucking go and talk to her in person. im pretty sure she just wants to be a friend and... i just don't know... i... i cant do this anymore. my parents are always giving me crap for anything i do, whether i actually did something wring or not. everything is piling up and i have nobody to talk to. my current friend is currently in the process of turning himself into a total bum. a complete druggy, constantly grounded, sucking on cancer sticks at least once a day at only age 15. for the record, im sorry if i make no sense but, well, im ranting. i want to tell the girl i care about what i feel about her but i don't want to ruin the friendship. shes the only thing that makes me happy anymore. im falling apart here and im just a total lost cause.