Have my 1st appointment with the psychriatric consultant tomorrow and i'm in such a mess over it. Been struggling with depression for about 14 years (half my life) and i am glad about going for help but the couple of counsellors i was made to see as a teenager just put me off the idea for life. They were obsessed with sexual abuse which thankfully isn't part of my problem and they just kept going on and on about it and trying to get me to say my dad was some sort of monster. My father is the reason i'm alive, if it wasn't for the fact that me killing myself would kill him i'd be dead long ago. But naturally the more defensive i got with them the more they thought it was true a case of 'the lady doth protest too much'. What if i go there tomorrow and get the same shit? And what if it just doesn't work? I'm worse now then i've ever been and i don't know what to do if counselling does no good. I used to be so good at hiding my emotions i could get through every day at work and nobody would ever suspect the dark thoughts that permanently sit in my head. But not anymore, i regularly break down into inconsoleable crying fits and i just can't seem to find a smile anymore. A few weeks ago for the 1st time in over 14 years of feeling this way i couldn't get out of bed for work. Only for a very good friend i might still be there! She dragged me to the doc, got my pills sorted and brought my cert into work for me telling management about my terrible chest infection! That lasted over a week and i still have the odd day where i just can't face the world. How will i keep my job if this continues? Where do i go to next if counselling isn't for me? Commit myself? Or wait for others to do it for me?