Why am I so stupid?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by existing, Oct 22, 2006.

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  1. existing

    existing Active Member

    Considering all of my past experiences, you'd think I would have learned. Going out last night I thought that because I had on full length trousers and long sleeves no-one would look at me. I thought that because i'd made myself so fat sinse 'that' happened, no-one would even think about coming on to me, because i'm so ugly.
    Think again.
    I went to a club and had a fucking horrible experience.
    Although I wasn't raped, it came pretty damn close. The male touched me in intimate places, and kissed me when I didn't want it. I didn't want it. He grabbed my wrist and wouldn't let go until I gave him my mobile phone number. He kept asking me to go outside with him. To have sex with him.
    Because i'd had a drink, I started off by saying "Sorry mate, i'm a lesbian". Thought that would be enough for him to leave. The male didn't understand that because English was not his first language. It went on and I decided that "Fuck off" was quite universal, so it was my best bet to say it. Again, he didn't stop. I just said "No" and walked away. He followed me. I ended up asking a bouncer to stay with me for 10 minutes until I was sure he'd leave me alone.
    In the end he found some other girl and went off with her.
    I shouldn't have let it get as far as it did.
    I'm pissed off that he has my phone number.
    I'm pissed off because he was a stranger, and how do I know he didn't have something like hepititus?
    I'm pissed off at myself because I can't defend myself.
    I'm pissed off because even now almost 10 years later, I still get paralysed and agree to do (almost) anything whenever a man touches me.
     
  2. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    just an fyi...i don't think you are stupid not at all... there is alot of dynamics here and i'm not sure what they all are and i wish i could say i did...i had felt like maybe i had risen above or through my own situations but as of a couple of years ago i learned that i really haven't....i said no a couple of years ago and well nine months later i ended up with a child that i had to give up for adoption...i feel like i have a kick me sign on my back and i hate it..i did have a therapist tell me one time that it's like we have this sign on our backs that only perpetrators can see and read...the first time i felt like i had risen and grown through all that stouf it happened again and the only reason i didn't kill the guy then was because my kids were sleeping just ten ft from me and i didn't want to traumatize them...it sounds like you did good though and while maybe you did give out your 'mobile' # you continued to stand your ground and took advantage of the help that was there. i am proud of you for it you did well whether you think so or not. maybe next time you can power kick the man u know where if (god forbid) that should happen again take care you'll be alright you have already practiced some important first steps you should pat yourself on the back
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    One thing stood out for me in this...YOU WENT AND GOT HELP!!!!

    Ergo, you made yourself safe... WELL DONE!!!

    Stop beating yourself up for not thinking of it earlier, men being that predatory can scramble a girls' brains with fright. (Fellas please take note).

    Been in the same situation a few times and haven't been able to handle it well.

    YOU DONE GOOD
     
  4. painkiller

    painkiller New Member

    can i have your msn so we can talk i need someone to talk with :(
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    it's in my profile hun
     
  6. scared_child

    scared_child Account Closed

    existing- your not stupid. you got help. I would have been dumb, and completely tried to handle it on my own. KUDOS for you!
     
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