why am I so unhappy?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kaspazzy, May 15, 2012.

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  1. Kaspazzy

    Kaspazzy Active Member

    I've got a lot to live for. I have a girlfriend, I have a family who lets me stay at home for free, no matter what crisis they're in. I get free meals, my PWD is almost done and I have a lot of friends who care. I eventually had to snap out of the thoughts that made me think I pulled everyone's weight around, because I don't. I only pull mine, I just never realized how heavy it has gotten in the last year.

    It's like God gave me a blessing. Everything is over with, all the tragedies (except for today but I know she'll get better) He's given me a girlfriend who loves me very much. He's given me a free life and a free monthly check...

    I should be happy about this right? But I'm not. I keep asking myself, " Why do I deserve it? After all the bad things I've done, I really don't deserve this much happiness." I've done terrible things in my life, most of it to my sister's friends and it's the only part in life that I wish I could forget. I wish that I wouldn't have lied to people for attention. I wish I never told people I wanted to end my life when I wasn't really full into thinking it. I said those things because it made me feel good, it made me feel as if I where visible and in control of everything, where I can control people's emotions and have them finally run after me, run after my life, run after the person hurting them.

    I never did it to hurt anyone. I was so deep into the control thing that I never realized how much it was hurting other people but the times that I had realized it, I blocked it out. I wanted more control but it only left me in a bigger mess. I know those reading this will think I'm insane but I know I'm not. I just wanted to feel like I was the one in charge of my life, the one that was in charge of everyone else instead of vice verse. Now, look at me. I'm 23, no job, living with my parents and in the same kind of hell.

    I know why I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy because I can't ever feel satisfied like that again and if I ever did, I would probably have to end it. I don't want to end it because I feel sad or suicidal, it's not me. It wasn't ever me. I would because I would be too much of a risk to other people. I sit and ask myself why God had to curse me with everything that society hates. Why is it that doctors can find a cure to something as difficult as Cancer but they can't find a mere answer for something as simple as hiccups.

    I asked God why I had to be His test subject, His mutated lab rat. His minion. If I'm God's child then why is He making me like this? What did I do wrong that I needed to punished for this? In this way? Why do I deserve love and friendship? Because of what I did, I ruined lives. I've put people through fear and hate and mistrust. Why do they still want me around..or do they? Are they only doing it for their own purposes? So people wouldn't hate them too? Maybe I'm wrong about that. If they did that, everyone else would applaud.

    So why can't I be happy. Put this behind me and never return to it again. It haunts me every day, every week of every month, of ever year. Sad thing is, it's been almost 12 years since this has happened and I still can't forgive myself. Am I doing the right thing?
  2. Faith&Hope

    Faith&Hope Member

    God is testing you to see if you will stay in line with what he teaches. Just keep believing and He shall bring great things your way :)
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    You have to try and find some forgivness in yourself now and keep working on doing the right things.Try and take some posatives away from what you done as you will know what is wrong and right and maybe able to point others in the right direction if you see them following the same path.We all have done things we are not proud of but there is a time you have to learn not to be hard on yourself.You could also seek a therapist so you can ttalk about this with someone which will help you forgive yourself.Even venting here is a good place as ppl here are caring and understanding and have some great advice.Take care and keep posting as you need too.
  4. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Because guilt is a motherfucker.

    Sorry about the language, but it's true. Guilt is why I'm trapped in an unhappy marriage. Guilt is why my mother allows my sister to still live at home at the age of 30, buying her everything she wants and not expecting her to get a job or be responsible for herself. Guilt is probably one of the leading causes of depression, alcoholism and suicide. Guilt will make you hate yourself, it will paralyze you and make you sabotage any chance of happiness you'll ever have.

    But the mere fact that you do feel guilty is proof that you have a heart. There's nothing wrong with you. There would be something wrong with you if you DIDN'T feel guilty about the bad things you've done. If you ever want to move past it, you have to learn to forgive yourself. It's not easy, and some people never do. That's one of the unfortunate things about life... one little mistake made in your youth can haunt you for years. That, and the good people who actually feel guilty about the things they've done suffer much more than the so-called "evil" people who do whatever they want to people without ever feeling the slightest twinge of guilt.

    It's funny that your "punishment" is being blessed with more than you think you deserve. I mean, it's not funny, as it obviously sucks to feel that way, it's just unusual in that many of us feel we're being punished by being cursed and not getting what we think we deserve. I guess we all have to suffer in our own personal hells... one man's hell could be another man's sauna. Life sure does have a funny way of giving us exactly what we don't want.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Maybe you need to focus on getting employment and getting out on your own. I think that you feel like a deadbeat leech and that is the cause of this.
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