I've got a lot to live for. I have a girlfriend, I have a family who lets me stay at home for free, no matter what crisis they're in. I get free meals, my PWD is almost done and I have a lot of friends who care. I eventually had to snap out of the thoughts that made me think I pulled everyone's weight around, because I don't. I only pull mine, I just never realized how heavy it has gotten in the last year. It's like God gave me a blessing. Everything is over with, all the tragedies (except for today but I know she'll get better) He's given me a girlfriend who loves me very much. He's given me a free life and a free monthly check... I should be happy about this right? But I'm not. I keep asking myself, " Why do I deserve it? After all the bad things I've done, I really don't deserve this much happiness." I've done terrible things in my life, most of it to my sister's friends and it's the only part in life that I wish I could forget. I wish that I wouldn't have lied to people for attention. I wish I never told people I wanted to end my life when I wasn't really full into thinking it. I said those things because it made me feel good, it made me feel as if I where visible and in control of everything, where I can control people's emotions and have them finally run after me, run after my life, run after the person hurting them. I never did it to hurt anyone. I was so deep into the control thing that I never realized how much it was hurting other people but the times that I had realized it, I blocked it out. I wanted more control but it only left me in a bigger mess. I know those reading this will think I'm insane but I know I'm not. I just wanted to feel like I was the one in charge of my life, the one that was in charge of everyone else instead of vice verse. Now, look at me. I'm 23, no job, living with my parents and in the same kind of hell. I know why I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy because I can't ever feel satisfied like that again and if I ever did, I would probably have to end it. I don't want to end it because I feel sad or suicidal, it's not me. It wasn't ever me. I would because I would be too much of a risk to other people. I sit and ask myself why God had to curse me with everything that society hates. Why is it that doctors can find a cure to something as difficult as Cancer but they can't find a mere answer for something as simple as hiccups. I asked God why I had to be His test subject, His mutated lab rat. His minion. If I'm God's child then why is He making me like this? What did I do wrong that I needed to punished for this? In this way? Why do I deserve love and friendship? Because of what I did, I ruined lives. I've put people through fear and hate and mistrust. Why do they still want me around..or do they? Are they only doing it for their own purposes? So people wouldn't hate them too? Maybe I'm wrong about that. If they did that, everyone else would applaud. So why can't I be happy. Put this behind me and never return to it again. It haunts me every day, every week of every month, of ever year. Sad thing is, it's been almost 12 years since this has happened and I still can't forgive myself. Am I doing the right thing?