Why am I still here?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kezzie, Apr 2, 2013.

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  1. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    So yesterday I was feeling happier than I had in a while and decided to take control of my situation. I made a dr's appointment for this morning and was all set to get started on finding some help to cope. This morning I woke up, got dressed and left for my appointment. I walked to the dr's surgery, but when I got there I couldn't go in. I stood outside for half an hour before turning around and returning to the house.

    I now feel like such a failure. I am having a real hard time trying to cope today. Its like the feelings of worthlessness, unimportance and pain have grown immensley in the last 24 hours and I am honestly struggling so hard to find a reason to hold on.

    If I refuse to help myself live, why should I refuse to help myself die?
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hi. Look you are being to hard on yourself. You didn't fail you are so brave for even thinking of trying seriously. And as long as you are here, there is always another day another tomorrow, time to get your strength together and try again, that's all anyone can ask of you is to try. And if you fail then so what at least you are still trying. Be proud of you please and please please feel free to message me if I can help. Just be gentle and take care of yourself
  3. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Look don't too hard on yourself just think tomorrow is another day you can book that appointment and hopefully you will be on the mend soon
  4. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Hello Kezzie;

    You may not believe me, but you were actually the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning. I knew your appointment was today and I was wondering how you were getting on.

    If you only knew how many appointments I have made with therapists and then cancelled! I am surprised anyone will still see me. You are not weak for turning away; you are strong for going to the surgery in the first place.

    Please make another appointment. They are not going to be angry with you!

    I don't know whereabouts you are in the UK, but I wish I could go with you! I think that is what you need - someone to (metaphorically) hold your hand when you go to the surgery.

    Is there anyone who can do this with you?

    We are not giving up on you, Kezzie, so you are not allowed to give up on yourself!

  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Kezzie be kind to yourself, it's a hard thing, to talk to someone official about things. Please try again.
  6. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    It just feels like I'm wasting every bodies time! I am honestly trying so hard to carry on but my grip on reality is slipping and I cannot find anything to hold onto. I am not deserving of your kind words. I just fail at everything I try and make a mess of everything I do. I am worthless and my existence pointless. I no longer want to be here
  7. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Exactly how I feel in all honesty, but seriously you should be proud you tried, remember that tomorrow is a brand new day, and you can wake up knowing you are still fighting each and every time you breathe
  8. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Kezzie - you are certainly not wasting my time. You are worth it. It is just your disease telling you that you are worthless; it isn't a fact.

    Will you at least try to call the surgery again?

    If you need something to hold onto, hold onto us.
  9. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    I feel so alone and lost. I don't know what to do or how to make myself get help! I tried, I really tried I promise you that but I just couldn't make myself go. I'm so sorry. I don't want to let you all down. You've been so nice to me and I feel like I'm just taking advantage
  10. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Kezzie (I like that name by the way) - Don't worry about letting us down. You are not doing this for us, you are doing it for yourself.

    Even though going back to the surgery might seem like such a mountain to climb (believe me, I know), do you accept that there is at least a chance you will feel better afterwards if you do try again? Isn't that a good enough reason to pick up the phone and make another appointment?

  11. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't know if I can... I'm so scared. It sounds stupid but I am
  12. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Kezzie - my life has been practically destroyed by dread, worry, fear and terror, so believe me, your words do not sound at all stupid to me.

    I really feel the reward is worth facing the fear. The important thing is baby steps. Presumably you would first need to call them again. Let's not worry about actually physically going to the surgery yet. Can you just make the phone call tomorrow morning? (This morning I suppose it is now!)

  13. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    Yes, I think I could call them. But I don't know if I can actually make myself go to the surgery again
  14. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Okay, Kezzie. Step one. Call them when you wake up in the morning.
  15. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    I can do that. I know I can do that!
  16. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Okay, good for you! I shall be checking in with you tomorrow to see how you did.

  17. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    Dearest Kezzie, I'm so glad you and CGM are talking this out one step at a time. That's all any of us can do so I'm very proud of you. This IS hard stuff and your willingness to just try is HUGE! ♥

    Try not to listen to any voice/thought that tells you anything that is not positive. You are a brilliant, strong young woman. Anything that tells you otherwise is a lie. Do not listen to it.

    We would all be there and go in with you if we could. The first appointment is hard because this disease beats us up so badly and we find it easy to believe (for some strange reason) that the negative stuff is true. It is not and I expect you will feel better after you meet the doctor and s/he puts you at ease. I hope you are sleeping soundly and that you wake rested and the day unfolds to give you a measure of peace you've not felt in a while. I will be thinking of you and hope you will continue to take it one step at a time and let us know how you are doing. ♥♥♥. M.A.
  18. mynameisbrian

    mynameisbrian Active Member

    You're in our hearts and thoughts.
  19. Kezzie

    Kezzie Well-Known Member

    Ok so I made another appointment. The receptionist was damn rude on the phone and told me if I miss this one they cannot allow me to make another for a minimum of 3 weeks.... This ones for friday afternoon so I have longer to convince myself to actually go!
  20. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Again, I am very proud of you!

    Don't worry about the receptionist. Half the people working in the medical profession have no right to be there. Just focus on you.
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