why am I still here?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by musiclady, Jan 9, 2010.

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  1. musiclady

    musiclady Member

    Sorry if I'm morbid. I have much to love in my life. Yet what was important to me seems gone. I know I get very sad at times, especially when there is no sun, but usually I have something that keeps me hanging on til I feel better. That something has been my kids. No I seem to have been replaced and unneeded, unnoticed.

    I have been married for nearly 25 years and have 4 wonderful children. Everyone (except my parents) tells me how wonderful they are turning out. I have several things I want to teach them, and I want to show them life and companionship, but I have been replaced entirely by video games.

    Please don't tell me to order them off. Their father overrides me and allows them to spend the entire day on those things. It's gotten so bad that my 6yr old has cried because we had to leave the house for 1 hour and it's my fault he couldn't play his game.

    All four kids play all day from after school til bedtime - in the same room! The noise is grating. I have nothing against the game, just the results.

    Dinner is gone. Food will be made and left to sit because they can't stop. Husband comes home and disappears into his own den to play games that cause him to scream and cuss. If I don't force them off at bedtime, they will play all night. I can't play these games, they cause panic and frustration, so I have lost my entire family.

    I wanted to teach them music, reading, travel and the beauty in the world. I insisted on swim lessons, taught them to ski and tried to socialize as a family. All have been rejected. My oldest son can speak of nothing except whatever game he's playing. I have nothing even to discuss.

    These people were my coping mechanism. They were why I didn't end it all. They don't need me anymore. So why am I here?

    I go to school and teach kids who groan about what they have to listen to. Who don't complete homework. And aren't required to! I work a second job to help make ends meet and then my husband just spends more than we've earned on computer parts or more xboxes so that the precious children don't have to even take turns.

    Everything I stand for and fight for has been rejected. It has been three days since I've stopped asking them to do anything, and none of them has even noticed.

    I really need some perpective. How do you find hope and desire to continue when everywhere you turn you are rejected?

    I'd volunteer, but have been repeatedly told I'm not needed. Plus the little kids need an adult at home legally. Plus I'm working two jobs, and there isn't much to volunteer for around those times. I did sign up to make blankets for Project Linus. It was supposed to be a family thing, but as usual the family bailed.

    I have no friends. I moved states so my husband could have a better job, and have been unable to get beyond aquantance stage with anyone.

    I am so tired of being alone and feeling so unloved.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi Musiclady,
    Sorry to see that you are feeling so badly and life has got you down.
    That whole situation with the kids and the video games is troubling to hear. I think they are addicted and you are right they need to get off there and engage in real life activities such as those you wish to introduce them to.

    What a wonderful mom you are, wanting to enrich and broaden the lives of your children! Will you adopt me? I would so appreciate all those things you talked about and would love to go do things with a mom like you. I will even clean up after myself so I won't be any trouble.

    I am not sure how to break this cycle given you husband is part of it. Are there times when you can speak seriously with him? Sounds like you don't have much time on your hands though with all the work you do but his childrens' lives require a game plan as this can't go on I don't think without causing them developmental damage. Again you are a good mom for seeing this and wanting to correct it.

    You say you have been rejected and I would have disagree with you. To me rejection is a conscious choice and these kids are addicted to the games (this is medically possible, and not uncommon) and therefore preferring the games to doing stuff with you is not a conscious act for them.

    One thing is for sure you won't be rejected here! I am glad you found us and hope you continue to post so we may all support you and offer our friendship to you.

    Well hope to hear how you are doing.
    Take care , Bambi
  3. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Video-game addiction is a really hard one to root out since it's not considered on par with drugs and alcohol, altough it's just as addictive and can be just as destructive, and to make things worse, it seems their father is supporting and sponsoring their addiction, it's a really tough situation you're in...

    Maybe this is pointless but have you tried talking to your husband about how much they're abusing video games? Of the whole bunch, I guess he should be the easiest one to convince that some moderation is in order, when a kid can't stand to be away from the console more than an hour, that's when it has gone way too far.

    As Bambi said, I think you're an excelent mom/parent too! Wish I had someone who would share my music knowledge at home and someone who would understand my love for culture instead of criticising it... anyway definitely make a stand against their addiction, after all they're your family and i've seen with my own eyes the effects of prolonged video game addiction... most unpleasent.

    Definitely keep us updated!

    P.S. if you ever wanna talk, about music or anything, definitely shoot me a PM or add me on msn ;)
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF. You have so much to offer indeed. Do you think there would be any chance at all of getting your husband to agree to even ONE HOUR away from the games for the two of you to spend with your children in some other activity? I just can't imagine that if you explained it to him the way you've explained it here that he would not understand.

    As "B" says above, you certainly won't be rejected here. Quite the opposite...your life experience, knowledge, and kind soul are what is needed here. I think this can fulfill the "volunteer" desire you have as it has done for me.

    Please stay awhile and look around the forums. It will not take long for you to make some friends here if you so desire. My pm box is open to you if want to talk and I'm sure many others feel the same way.

    If you have any questions, again, feel free to send me a private message or post on the forums.

    I know there are a few people with very similar problems to yours, so hopefully they will see your post. But please give it some time as people tend to pop in and out...continue to post and you will be heard. Hey wait, you have been heard already :laugh: by me! Take care...hope to see you around.

  5. musiclady

    musiclady Member

    Thank you. I really needed someone to hear me.

    What I'm trying to figure out is something to latch onto for hope until this useless feeling passes. Usually it was my kids, but now I've even lost the youngest one to the games, so I don't see a need for me anymore.

    I've even gone so far as to think of ways to end my life. Which is why I found your site. I figure if I'm thinking that, I need to unthink that. If that makes sense. However, I don't really want to die, just not live like this anymore. Plus, for every way I come up with, I figure out a way it will go wrong.

    I know this feeling will pass, it always does. I am on meds for it, but I still have days like this. However, just 4 days ago I was relatively happy.

    What I'm wondering is, how do destitute or homeless people survive? They truly have nothing yet continue scratching out an existence. Why?

    I need to find a reason why to keep going.
  6. musiclady

    musiclady Member

    Ordep and others,
    The problem is that husband will AGREE with me when I discuss it, then undermine anything I say or do. Which he then denies that he is doing. He comes home from work at 8pm and immediately goes to his den to play his games. Doesn't even say hello. Kids hear him cussing up a storm. At 10pm I'm sending them off to bed (9pm never worked and school starts late) so then he comes out of his room, tells the kids "I'd play with you but mommy says you have to go to bed." Which of course makes it MY fault that the kids can't spend time with him.

    I've kicked them off only to have husband tell them to ignore me. He tells me that we can't set a time limit because you can't save the online games and you can't predict how long those games will last.

    I've felt this as a slight against me and offered to get a divorce, but then he tells me that I'm his life and he wouldn't know what to do without me. Yet I see him maybe 5 minutes a day if that.

    I've accepted that I've lost him, but why must he sabotage my kids?

    We even did counseling but he says the counselor only blames him and won't go.
  7. Lost.

    Lost. Well-Known Member

    I'm not even going to pretend that I know the first thing about raising a child, but...

    I think being more assertive and enforcing boundaries couldn't hurt.

    I think you need to let your husband know how psychologically unhealthy for a child it can be when parents are on a completely different page.

    He needs to be reminded that he is a parent, not a best friend.
  8. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Gosh... that's a really complicated situation you're in... I was going to suggest family couseling but then I read your last line and it shot me down right there... so what to do?

    It's obvious that while your husband keeps discrediting you by telling the kids what they want to hear, you're fighting a battle you can't possibly win, so it all comes down to trying to convince him to change his ways, and if talking or couseling doesn't work... maybe "shock therapy" will do the trick?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Video_game_addiction#Deaths There's a few cases where video game addiction has gone horribly wrong, I'd suggest printing it and showing to your husband and asking "is this what you want yout children to become?" Maybe that'll make him think about the matter...

    I know it's a really complicated situation. I don't know what I'd do if I had a kid spending his whole day playing video games instead of learning and producing useful stuff, and it's even worse that you have your husband blindly sponsoring them... definitely an awful situation to be in. But please remember that you have a fight to fight, it seems all those kids know is video games so what do you think that's gonna happen if you die? I'd risk saying they'd go deeper and deeper into their addiction, so you have to keep pushing foward for them. Maybe they'll thank you in the future, maybe they won't, but you must know that you have a responsability for them, and that's your purpose and goal.

    Keep posting, we wanna hear from you!
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WEll your husband needs to go to some kind of parenting classes because if he is undermining what you are saying then of course the kids are confused. Take the game system and get rid of it put is some where so they can't get at it
    Get your husband and you sit these kids down and tell them the boundaries set the rules if it is not followed throw the system out that will fix that. They will rant and scream but they will know you mean business. Give your hubby a good swat and tell him to get on the same playing grounds as you if he truly cares for his kids he will listen
  10. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    The things you share and teach are so much more fun than video games. I wouldn't mind being your son! Maybe if you could rig the games so your family gets an electric shock when they use them....just kidding. Don't kill yourself over this. It's not worth it.
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