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Why am i still suicdial?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Summer.Rain, Feb 28, 2016.

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  1. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Maybe because im a coward, maybe because i never really believed in myself, maybe because im lying to myself or living in some delusion that others telling me like "things will get better", "you are smart" and so on.

    I lost my job because the authorities think im in danger to myself and may endanger others while driving,
    without a car i cant find any job because i live in a distant small town that have no jobs at all.
    Have no support from my family, have no friends, im like 100% alone.

    I used the last bit of money i had to buy a flight ticket for 2 months, and hiking equipment, i should be excited, instead im anxious and suicidal, deep inside i dont even want to come back from that trip, deep inside i hope i will just die from exposure on some frozen trail.

    the worst part is that my parents are tired of me, they dont want me to live with them, but i have no where to go. i can see in their eyes that im a burden, and they use every opportunity to push me out, which is normal considering im 30 y/o and shouldn't even live with them, and that fact that i do makes things even worse for me as i hate living with my parents.

    im waking up every morning, and the first thing i got in my head is a picture of me, killing myself...
    yeah i went through treatments, took all sort of different pills, nothing really helped.
    my doctor doesn't really give a damn, he just switching one pill to the next, even though i said more then once that maybe its not psychiatric issue but a psychological issue, no one cares, as long as i eat the load of pills.
    So i stopped taking meds, fuck them and their pills, they can shove them to where the sun wont shine.
    Psychiatry is never been proven to help anyways, so useless
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hun you're no burden.

    Why not try seeing other therapist? Because one wasn't good enough it doesn't mean others won't work. Not every therapist works for every person.

    Please try to take care of yourself and fight.

  3. Fluffypingu

    Fluffypingu Safety and Support SF Supporter

    please go find a new therapist they arnt all bad u may find a good one and as for stopping your meds that's probily why u are feeling sucidle hang in there snd keep fighting hun u can and will get better hugs pm me anytime if u need to its allways open
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    My sister is 30 (nearly 31) and still lives at home, it's actually weirdly common in my village to live at home in late 2o's,I dunno why but it is. I'm 27 and live at home. It's not shameful to live at home, i'm sure your parents even enjoy your company at times, do they?

    You're not a burden, you are strong for sticking it out this long. I hope your hiking and flight trips make you feel alive and and give you inspiration :) Keep talking to us here, we do understand.

    Therapy can work wonders so no giving up just yet, try and get a counsellor that you can afford and do little things like take vitamins etc.. to look after yourself :)
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2016
  5. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    thank you all for the warm support
    i lost any faith i had in professional therapists, i came to think they are more of a hoax then anything
    and i live in a country where if one lives with his parents at the age of 30, then it means that hes a failure,
    my parents sort of believe in that as well, they grew up and lived most of their lives in USSR where they got free apartments from the government so for them its weird to have a child living with them at my age,
    also they never could understand the concept of a mental illness, as im the first in our family who is going through it, its very hard and im fighting it alone with no support
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