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Why am I such a freak

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by dizgrace, Dec 12, 2012.

  1. dizgrace

    dizgrace Member

    Yet again, more crying. Endless crying. Constant crying. I'm fed up with crying.

    Nothing ever seems to get any better why do I bother anymore? I've had two years of major shit piled on top of already starting to accumulate shit, I need a break.

    Where to begin, well I'm still not over getting raped, I don't think I ever will be. It's supposed to be a mindset, but I'm not sitting here thinking you have to be afraid of this this and this, it just happens. Like there was a mini powercut in my building and my boyfriend grabbed me to kiss me and I punched him and curled up in a ball. I'm so fed up with being afraid all the time.

    I have my boyfriend back now, it's good considering he kind of disappeared on me for two months. Hormones are horrid. Since he's gone back to being normal we can talk on the phone again for an hour and stuff, and I'm really happy when I see him, but those moments are so few and far between with the distance. I want a day, maybe two, of pure joy. I used to have those days.

    Being around my parents is still like being on the Titanic. Will it sink, won't it? MAKE YOUR MINDS UP ALREADY! I'm going home for Christmas, but is it really a home? I hate being there in this false reality where everything's ok but it's all pretend. I don't want to sit around for a week of it. And my friends keep asking me why I'm not coming home when term ends? I'm deliberately not coming home to Christmas Eve so I don't suffocate under the crapness of my fake family.

    I'm being made redundant. My store's closing down. Which my boss failed to tell me when I got transferred across in October. I now can't really afford food. It's not such a bad thing, I've tried eating to be happy, it backfired. I now can't look in a mirror.

    I figured stuff out though. I am well and truly over my ex. It's always gonna hurt, when someone treats you the way she treated me i don't think you ever recover. I still remember her face as she pushed me down the stairs the day she left me. She smirked. She enjoyed it. Her new so called girlfriend is a bitch too, how do these people find each other. I hope the both of them get the hint and stay well and truly out of my life. The email my boyfriend received from this new girlfriend Tyler was rather annoying, why is she emailing her new girlfriend's ex's boyfriend? clearly Harry isn't over me, she told me she isn't, so why is Tyler playing along with it? Good riddance to both of them.

    I don't really have friends here. I miss my old friends. The people who actually noticed if you weren't there and gave a crap when you looked down. I don't feel like I can talk to them though, Jade is always so happy, I would just be burdening her. Beka is amazing to talk to but she has her own things to deal with, it's not fair making her deal with mine too. I try talk to Megan and Fraser, my boyfriend, about these things, but they're miles away and don't really know how this feels, and it feels good to get it off my chest but hearing 'oh hun' doesn't fix it.

    I just want to stop crying. I want a life. I feel emotionally numb all the time, except when I start crying for no reason, and then all I feel is a pain in my chest. Nice to know I can still physically feel things, like the constant pain in my spine, and now my feet. I can't walk properly. It's really bad, when I first get out of bed I have to support myself or I end up collapsing on the floor in pain, and by the end of the day if I've been walking too long or standing on them I'm in agony. Not just a bit of pain, agony, i wish i was exaggerating but i end up crawling and crying from the pain, my boyfriend's had to pretty much support me some walks if I let him help me. I can't eat anymore, the idea of eating makes me want to vomit. Sleep's spasmodic. I can't concentrate in lectures, I've just given up. I have no sex drive at all. I lie here staring at my ceiling thinking, is this it?

    I could die right now and it wouldn't make a difference.
    I am nothing
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are SOMEONE you are special and i do hope hun your reach out for any support you can ok
  3. Beka

    Beka Well-Known Member

    Grace, no matter what state of mind I am in myself, I will ALWAYS talk to you. Don't feel like you can't because I'm in my own little world. I understand some of these things. Don't hide away from me!