Why am I suicidal when I'm happy?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CherryBlossom, Nov 22, 2008.

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  1. CherryBlossom

    CherryBlossom Member

    This is a little intense...and not worth reading.

    I go through periods of being very sad, and being very happy. The sad times are low, I have no energy and want to sleep constantly. The happy times are great...I have more energy (insomnia kicks in), I'm more self-confident, sexual, satisfied with life, etc.

    But most of the time I have suicidal thoughts is during the "high" times. A favorite activity of mine when I'm like that is to drive this stretch of highway late at night. It's very rural and narrow...curvy. The speed limit is 55 MPH and I'll go 70. I'll have the music playing as loud as possible and I'm chain smoking menthols. The music speaks to me...my heart beats so fast I think I'm having a heart attack. I lose myself in the thoughts of where I am compared to where I was. Then all I can do is fantasize about crashing that car into something...anything.

    I've come close so many times...being in that perfect moment of happiness, hearing my favorite song and being at peace-that's what I need. The happiness I feel at those moments always end when I pull into my driveway and walk back into the prison my house has become. So I think about driving into a wall...I feel it...I can taste it...I want it. I jerk the wheel back and forth...swerve...slam the breaks. Those perfect moments of adrenalin are the ones in which I am most suicidal.

    That makes no sense. I should be suicidal the days I'm depressed.

    Ever hear of such a thing?
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    google 'bipolar disorder'.
  3. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Your post is worth reading and you describe how you feel very clearly. As ripper says check out bipolar. Have you sought any proffesional help about how you feel? Best wishes.
  4. hey i can relate to that im suicidal when i am happy too its a weird feeling i dont get either.. i normally go to a bridge and sit on the edge and rock back and forth literally hanging by an inch of my bottom waiting for the day i go too far over the edge.

    pm me if you like.
  5. CherryBlossom

    CherryBlossom Member

    Yeah, I'm thinking I may be bipolar. I've never been to a doctor...don't have the insurance or money. I'm just curious if it was normal to be suicidal on the up phase...and not the down. It seems as when I'm sad I don't even care enough to want to die.
  6. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I often feel a strange mix of emotions, I know what you mean. There's no 'normal' with mental illness or whatever though. Don't stress about whether it's okay to feel the way you do or not, because it is ok.
  7. InfernoX

    InfernoX Member

    I know the feeling. There are times where I'll be in the best mood I've ever been in and then I'll see a car speed by me or whatever and my brain will be like "Missed opportunity, could have jumped in front of it". I'm also prone to doing a lot of reckless things when I'm experiencing emotional highs, I've jumped onto, off and rode on moving vehicles several times and done all sorts of other things I would normally have never done.
  8. JordanXX2

    JordanXX2 New Member

    The rare times that I am semi-happy I get these feelings too. I thought I was the only one
  9. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    All you have said are found in Bipolar episodes. What is difficult is the cycling. Some of us have rapid cycling and life becomes hell. If you have a GP talk to him-her about your concern and he can act on it to some extend.

    I wish you good luck as BP is a long term illness but with good medication and follow up, life can be bearable.

    granny x
  10. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    A bunch of reasons come up for me.
    This happens to me ALL the time. While I think I might have acute bipolar, I don't think it's the bipolar that causes it, but my own thinking that causes the bipolar-like symptoms, although that's probably true for anyone.

    One reason for I feel suicidal when I'm happy is because I am aware of it's impermanence. I remember the lows, and although it doesn't bring me down, I don't want to go back down. I want to go out happy and in perfection, at a time when I'm feeling wonderful.

    Another reason is that I feel I don't deserve the happiness. Somewhere in me is the voice of my father who oh so subtley instilled in be the belief that I was not worthy of happiness. This belief may be in you although you don't realize it.

    Since posting have you come to any more conclusions as to why it might be you feel this way? I wouldn't be quick to blame it on the bipolar. I think we have a lot more power over ourselves than we give ourselves credit for, and are quick to blame it on the "illness"

  11. Lennie

    Lennie Well-Known Member

    I just read this and had to check that it wasn't me who started this thread and then forgot about it. I can relate to this 100%. I'm not an unhappy person, I think I have a really good life and I enjoy it immensely. Thats why I stopped taking that citalopram crap the doctor prescribed, because it was actually making me depressed when I wasn't really depressed before.

    I just had the best weekend of my life, never had so much fun and good times in all my life. And tomorrow I will be making some final preparations and writing my goodbye letters to my family and friends before driving off to that secluded place I found the other day to do the deed sometime this week. It's really kinda annoying, but I can't go through my whole life being happy yet wanting to kill myself.
  12. CherryBlossom

    CherryBlossom Member

    I still have no idea what may make me feel that way. I'm sad today...I feel nothing. But I'm not suicidal. It's 5:11 and I just got out of bed, I slept 14 hours (naturally, I wasn't messed up). I just want to eat and watch TV.

    Sometimes I don't think I'm bipolar anyway because aren't the mood swings from that supposed to come from within? Sometimes I get hyped up because I got a compliment or did something right, and sometimes the sadness comes from a legitmate reason.

    So I think what someone said was right...I remember how this feels right now. When I'm happy again I'll remember and not want to come back down...
  13. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    could be bi polar or it could be thyroids...if you don't have insurance...see if there are any free clinics around.
  14. cowgirl22

    cowgirl22 New Member

    yes, i think me too! thats exactly how i felt the other day...
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