This is a little intense...and not worth reading. I go through periods of being very sad, and being very happy. The sad times are low, I have no energy and want to sleep constantly. The happy times are great...I have more energy (insomnia kicks in), I'm more self-confident, sexual, satisfied with life, etc. But most of the time I have suicidal thoughts is during the "high" times. A favorite activity of mine when I'm like that is to drive this stretch of highway late at night. It's very rural and narrow...curvy. The speed limit is 55 MPH and I'll go 70. I'll have the music playing as loud as possible and I'm chain smoking menthols. The music speaks to me...my heart beats so fast I think I'm having a heart attack. I lose myself in the thoughts of where I am compared to where I was. Then all I can do is fantasize about crashing that car into something...anything. I've come close so many times...being in that perfect moment of happiness, hearing my favorite song and being at peace-that's what I need. The happiness I feel at those moments always end when I pull into my driveway and walk back into the prison my house has become. So I think about driving into a wall...I feel it...I can taste it...I want it. I jerk the wheel back and forth...swerve...slam the breaks. Those perfect moments of adrenalin are the ones in which I am most suicidal. That makes no sense. I should be suicidal the days I'm depressed. Ever hear of such a thing?