I am on this site for reasons other than what I am posting here, my main issue is I am an alcoholic and I have suicidal thoughts. I was desperate a few nights these past couple of weeks and called some rehab facilities just trying o get some advice and I suppose someone to talk to that understood or at least was familiar with alcoholism. I was speaking with a man one night who was very kind discussing the treatment facility he worked at and what my options were. Because he was so nice and made me feel comfortable and not judged I considered going to that facility however it was a long distance away in another state, I couldn't get medical leave as I work for a small company and I ultimately decided against it. When I was speaking with him that one night though, he was asking preliminary questions about my past, my drinking habits, etc. He asked me if I had ever been sexually abused. No one had ever asked me that that I can recall however I have thought about it many times myself. There was a night when my parents left me with a male babysitter. I don't think my brother was born yet so I would have been somewhere between 3-4.5 years old. I think I have blocked a lot of this particular night out of memory however I do recall a few things/bits & pieces of things that happened that night and it makes me think something happened that shouldn't have. I remember him pulling the blinds, I remember not having clothes on (not sure how it happened), I remember being tied to a coffee table or end table (not sure how that happened either), I remember some words he said to me that I don't want to repeat, but what if anything was happening to me when he was saying those words I don't know. I remember him telling me to go to bed when we heard me parents pull into the driveway. I remember not wanting him to come back and being afraid my parents would find out or want to know what happened. I remember not knowing what I should say to them when they asked me why I didn't want him to come back. I just told them I liked the girl babysitter better. I remember shortly thereafter my mom having a conversation with me that no one has the right to touch me, etc,. I am not sure why that conversation came about so close to the time this happened. This happened around 40 years ago. I know I was just asked the question about sexual abuse in the last couple of weeks but bottom line it happened 40 years ago and I can't even be 100% anything happened in the first place. Why am I being bothered by this now? I will admit I have thought about it in the past however not for a long time. Since I spoke with that person at the rehab facility, I have thought about it everyday. Why am I thinking about this now? I just want to forget it again. Thanks for listening.