why am i trying?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wastingecho, Sep 14, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i tried

    i swear to whatever god you want, i tried

    but coming to work everyday, i spend more time hiding and crying than getting anything done

    have a meeting to discuss my progress in an hour and a half and i know it won't go well, i know i've been dropping the ball, no defense, no argument

    been a year now since my depression began to get this bad - a year of near constant pain

    no real understanding anywhere especially at work

    have to hide it because i cannot afford to go out on disability again - if i do it would be long-term disability at 60% of salary with no guarantee of a job if i come off - i may as well die while still insured

    failing my job, my family, my friends on the forum - the only ones i'm not failing are my friends at home but that's because i don't have any

    and now i'm hurting the forum friends who are trying to reach out which makes me hazardous as well as useless

    had my eeg, eng, and mri but neuro isn't for another 9 days - odds are he won't find anything and i'll just have another mysterious pain to add to the rest of it anyway

    i don't want this any more - i don't want to cry any more - i don't want to fail any more - i don't want to hurt people any more

    i want it to stop i want it to stop i want it to stop i want it to stop i want it to stop i want it to stop i want it to stop
  2. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

  3. jrr

    jrr New Member

    Hi, I'm new here but I'll try giving a little advice.

    Solely from this post it sounds like you might be looking at yourself solely though the lens of your work. I could be misreading your situation but it's a problem quite common in America where we tend to define our selves by what we do for a living. I would consider learning to do something for yourself in your off time. Maybe take some dance classes or pottery classes. Just learn something that you might be interested in that has absolutely nothing to do with work, something that you can take pride in.

    Sorry if it's lame advice, hope it helps.
  4. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Wastingecho, there you are...we have been quite worried about you....

    My lifeis parallel to yours right now.....disability, family, no friends pain......

    Sick and tired of being sick.....what kind of pain do you have besides the mental/emotional ones?
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    7 weeks of constant headache

    finally backed off to intermittent and stabbinb but still debilitating when they hit
  6. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Oh gawd, I use to have those but migraines!~ So now they want to look at the neuro aspect ......I know I have read alot of reports that gallbladder and liver play an important part of the blood to the brain. THey say that headache sufferers and migraine sufferers benefit greatly with eliminating refined sugar.

    So I take it, you can't even sleep?

    So good to see you back....:IrishDoll:
  7. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I'm so glad to see you posting here. There are so many good hearted and supportive people here who care. :hug:

    I hope you will keep talking xxxxx
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    everything is quiet but noisy at the same time

    low murmur of voices, fingers tapping on keyboards, the fan i'm not supposed to have (f*ck you maintenance, i'll built it and it doesn't plug into the wall so you can't suck it up) - it's all so low but so loud in my head at the same time

    it's mixing with everything else that's spinning around in my head

    i need this to stop i need a break a moment of silence that i'm never going to get
  9. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Are you at work right now ?
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    yeah - can't afford any more time off
  11. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Oh gosh I know that must be so so so hard!!!! Did you use up all the FMLA?

    What kind of work do you do Wastingecho? How is the son doing these days?
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    leave all used

    son in 3rd day of game/web design program

    i'm supposed to be a system designer/iseries programmer been doing it for 25 years

    except they won't won't let me program

    or design

    or teach what i know

    or tell me what the hell they actually want me to do

    i've been left at sea in a leaky boat with no life jacket heading towards the reef

    woke up this morning and my head is killing me - can't even focus my eyes no matter which pair of glasses i use

    i think my body is telling me it's time
  13. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hang on in there, hun. *hugs*
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry echo
    I'm there myself at the mo..hold on ok
  15. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    left yesterday at 9:30 - head was wrong - eyes wouldn't focus - balance was off

    made it in today only to have to deal with the 900-lb gorilla client first thing

    everything hurts - head, neck, back

    and now i'm up against a hard deadline to have two personal development goals for the year done determined by tomorrow - but the criteria are driving me insane - i look at the requirements and i start to shake, then cry, then pound my head with my fists

    this is mandatory and I CAN'T DO IT!!!

    i can't avoid it but I CAN'T DO IT!!!

    it would be so easy around here - so many options with no tools required

    they be just as happy to have the cubicle freed for a new cheaper drone

    maybe they'll pass around a card but that'll be the end of it

    checked my policies again - i've had them long enough that they will have to pay out so at least school and the house will be paid for with enough for everyone to get the hell out of new york

    god i can barely see this, my eyes are still not good - every breath hurts my back

    i don't want to do this any more

    i can't do this any more
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    sitting at my desk crying my fucking eyes out while i'm listening to the gm tell everybody how great a place this is while i sit here like a goddamned loser because i can't come up with my required goals that fit the criteria that no one else seems to have a problem with

    driving myself crazy - have bruises from punching myself in the head because if i bang my head against the desktop people will noticee

    i am so tired of being so fucking pathetic

    i don't fit here

    i don't fit anywhere else in the marketplace

    i don't fit in public

    i don't fit at home

    i don't fit in this world

    i called in my renewal for my lower dose

    maybe i'll just deal with the withdrawal until it gives me that last little push i need to finally find the strength to put myself out of this misery
  17. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    couldn't go home right away last night

    when everyone else went downstairs to listen to the gm talk i ran out of here

    got to the train station and just drove around through the storm for a couple of hours

    i'm so lost - crying on the train again before i could even get here

    staring at the list of competencies i'm supposed to demonstrate at work still trying to meet the deadline - only one stands out that i think i can do anymore and get right

    "flawless execution"

    that's my goal by the end of the day
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    just getting worse

    tired of talking to myself

    sorry to have bothered everyone

  19. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    You've not bothered anyone.
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I've just logged in and seen this echo....
    keep talking ok....you're not a bother....
    and I understand those feelings are overwhelming but keep fighting
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