Why are you suicidal?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by James, Sep 12, 2006.

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  1. James

    James New Member

    Seriously, tell me. This being a suicide forum I'm sure the majority of the people who visit are dealing with suicide in some way or another, so tell me about it. I'm curious.

    I myself have thought about killing myself for a while now, but I don't think I'll ever be able to bring myself to it. But I still want to die. So badly its ridiculous. There are a lot of reasons. I find myself wishing for a random car accident. Maybe when I'm walking down the street fate will be kind enough to redirect a car towards me or something. Something quick would be nice.

    But back to what I'm getting at with this. I've been thinking more and more about myself and why I hate everything so very much. Questions like what is disatisfying me with my life, and what could satisfy me? It took a while for me to finally realize that its mainly because I'm just alone. Soo very alone. I go to school, I have a few friends I could go out with, but I'm always so far away. I'm always off somewhere else. I don't understand how everyone can just live. There are a few (a LOT) of personal reasons too, of course, that add and amplify the lonliness, but a lot of it just seems to be that i'm just really fucking lonely.

    But I decided to post to ask, why do you hate life so much you feel like you'd rather leave than stay? I'm wondering what it is (other than feeling like a god damned island all the time) that fucks with people so badly as to drive them to suicide. What do you think the reason for most of your suicidal feelings are?

    Btw, not sure if this is the right area of the forum for this, so mods, feel free to move it where it needs to be.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 12, 2006
  2. WeepingWillow

    WeepingWillow Well-Known Member

    I was unahppy with my life. I got a positive outlook and decided what i want to change and set out to change them. I failed miserably time and again and sunk into depression. I feel worse than i did when all this started and i took a fast steep decline. still hanging on.
    basically i feel stuck and at a dead end. that's my deal.
     
  3. DepressionII

    DepressionII Well-Known Member

    I'm not used to being able to talk about my feelings, because of school and a macho culture where people may tire instantaneously of talk about feelings. And for those that do, they are pathetic, like "My dad told me to clean my room last night, it is so bad living at home" and this sort of shit.

    I feel uncomfortable posting my feelings even on a forum specifically for suicide, for fear of mockery and ridicule, but anyway, here goes.

    I suffer from a condition called Asperga's Syndrome. Without droning on for 40 minutes and succeeding in boring 10 tonnes of crap out of you all, a brief explanation; AS is a very mild form of autism, and it is a social disease. AS's sufferers cannot understand social situations, or they can understand them, but not "feel the understanding" if you know what I mean. For example:

    If I heard a rumour about somebody and insulted them. Later, I found this rumour not to be true. Instead of apologising to the person, I would assume them to be OK with what I said because it wasn't true. Of course this is never the case.


    Anyway, that killed any chance I had of having a "normal" social life. I suffered terrible verbal abuse at school from ages 8 through 11, but mostly at age 10. After this, I began to suffer from depression, and started feeling alone. It got worse, and my first suicide attempt was when I was 14, where I did the usual wrist cutting crap.

    At age 15, I watched my best friend, the closest thing I had to a brother, my mate since he was born when I was 10 days old, crushed underneath 750kg of sand at the beach. I'd just split from my girlfriend, and was looking to just be mates with him for the day, and he died, not slipping away from cancer, not peacefully in his sleep of a heart attack, but screaming, in pain, suffocating.

    From age 15-17, my new girlfriend treated me worse than the dog shit gets treated by that a princess stands in it. She was manipulative, domineering, jealous, and spiteful. When I was age 16, she was hit by a car and permanently lost some use of her right leg. By now though I was still in love with her at the time, and this other near loss turned me from despondency to ruin.

    Now I am 17, and am 18 in two months from now. I am a misanthrope, and since the forum rules state that nobody is allowed to give advice or encouragement to suiciders, I should probably be banned at this very minute, or as soon as the moderator sees this post. I disgust and am utterly repulsed by myself. I am still in school, and seeing what people become in school has turned me even worse. I cannot suicide, I do not have the will, but every night I wish I would die in my sleep. Every day, I wish for a crazed gunman, a car with faulty steering, anything, to be same time same place with me. Just this week alone, on two seperate occasions, I engraved about 100 cuts into my torso. I must drink to sleep comfortably. I cannot go to school without screaming at somebody, or turning violent against something.

    Both my parents are susceptible to depression, and my dad carries the Asperga's gene. I want to know, why they thought they needed a child who was only bound for a life of misery and sick feelings anyway?

    I do not want to be dead. I need to be dead.
     
  4. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    I have suicidal thoughts because I'm burnt out, emotionally and physically.
    I get tired of being anxious about everything all the time. I'm tired of failling no matter how hard I try. I'm sick of feeling sick, I can't even remember a time when I've felt healthy. I have MS, IBS, endometriosis and genital herpes. I just want to feel healthy again but I can't even imagine what it's like.

    Usually I'm ok with it all until I fail at something again or until my leg goes numb at I fall and I realize that it could still get so much worse.


    J.
     
  5. Lavendere

    Lavendere Active Member

    I'm not really suicidal just seriously depressed. My reasons:
    - pressure to succeed
    - being severely restricted and doing things a normal teen can do. Eg: buy things, go to friends place, etc. I'm not a trouble maker at school anyway.
     
  6. Xian

    Xian Well-Known Member

    I was suicidal in the past and it was probably caused by a lot of things indirectly but the most direct reason was my loneliness and social anxiety. I'm 19 and I have been raised with a very low self-esteem and that meant that I never had courage to "go after" friendships and love and things like that, or even something basic like telling my family what I wanted to be when I grew up. During puberty I sunk into the depression and it turned my whole world upside down.

    And the hardest thing I ever had to do was *feel* it all the time, in every thought and feeling, everything that came into my consciousness was tragic. And I just wanted it to stop. I just had to die.

    At the time it seemed like a miracle, but believe it or not, I did get the help I needed (something I didn't do by myself, something I was always afriad of doing) and now I take medicine and the sadness is gone. I wouldn't say that I'm *happy* but I am definately not as bad as I once was, and for me, that is good enough to stay alive.

    But to everyone is in the belly of the beast right now, just know that those of us who've been through it, want you to know that we love you even though we don't know you, and we have compassion, which means we can *feel* what you *feel* and we are so so sorry that you have to. But I always had hope, and hope is the secret to survival. Just put that logic and chance away ("It will never get better") and keep hope that the life you want is waiting for you. And if you can remind yourself of that, you can put up with the darkness and gloom of time. You are much stronger than you think.

    I used to write out the words "Maybe, just maybe..." in notebooks at school and in poems... It seemed to me to be so beautiful, and what it meant was that maybe there is an end to the tunnel of pain, even if you can't see the light, "maybe, just maybe" it's up ahead, just past this next bend. "Maybe, just maybe" help is on the way.
    ~peace~
     
  7. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    too many thinga happening all at once and not enough strength to deal with them
     
  8. Crom Cruach

    Crom Cruach Active Member

    I don't know. I am just constantly depressed and have no wish to put myself through more years of misery, loneliness, isolation and pain.
    I don't think there has been any major event in my life that has had me feeling this way which makes it worse, I am just really, really low and messed up all the time with no explenation. Medication hasn't worked, "talking about it" hasn't worked and I seriously doubt anything will.
     
  9. blub

    blub Guest

    I have no f*ing idea.
    I have a normal life, wonderfull family,
    I had great friends, but I messes that up,
    because I was depressed etc.
    I think a lot of people want to trade with my life.
    I guess I think I'm not worthy for it,
    I mess everything up and I'm a perfectionist, so that really sucks.
    I can't show any emotions because I don't know how.
    All my emotions are still inside of me, creating a big mess inside my head.
    I see no future, I can't see myself happy, no husband or kids. I just see a horrible life filled with lies, to please others.
    I think that are the main reasons of why I'm suicidal
    But I'm not sure and thats a reason why I'm here
    trying to find out, why this happening to me.
     
  10. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I'm not too good at describing everything that makes me suicidal and my reasons are pretty stupid in most people's eyes.

    I'm just inferior to everyone, I have no friends, no social life, I hate all the people around me that have friends and make better grades, I feel useless, I feel that my parents very much did raise me wrong, all the friends I had when I was young now are much happier and better off than I am. I feel that nobody would ever want to be my friend, nobody would want to be my life partner and the thing is, I don't even try to go out and make friends and whatnot, I've just resigned myself to my lonely, pathetic fate. But on the other hand, I also like to be alone but then get depressed when I'm surrounded by people with friends and whatnot.
    Everyone tells me college is the best time of your life, I'll be destined to go pass through it, never joining a club or making one single friend, whatever.
    I hate that my brother is better than me, all of my parent's friend's kids are better than me, my cousins are better than me, etc. But then I keep feeling also that I should just be happy who I am, thats the right thing to do right? But still.....damn, so confused.

    I still didn't completely paint the picture of why I'm suicidal but here's a bit at least. And I bet my reasons sound stupid compared to others, I haven't lost a loved one, still have my family, wasn't abused/neglected as a child but I still want to die.....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 12, 2006
  11. DepressionII

    DepressionII Well-Known Member

    Hmmm, nobody's posted any support for each other yet. This is what it feels like. Everybody calling out across each other, in a long, echoing desert where the sound will eventually stop carrying and fall dead, like us. Nobody can hear us.

    Don't think I'm not hypocritical. I'm the biggest dick here, and I haven't said any kind words to anybody yet, so I don't even know why I'm posting...
     
  12. Jenova

    Jenova Well-Known Member

    immortalshadow, I think the reason everyone is talking about themselves at the moment is because they are answering the questioned asked in the original post.


    J.
     
  13. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    1. I'm a cutter
    2. Pressure at school
    3. Lonliness
    4. I'm very self-critical
    5. Stress
    6. Intimidated my peers (not bullying)
    7. I feel I'm "ugly" or "fat" or "will never get a girlfriend" (typical teenager bullshit stuff... I suppose you've all heard it before)
    8. Depression
     
  14. DepressionII

    DepressionII Well-Known Member

    I suppose you're right. I'm sorry.

    Anyway, back on topic now.
     
  15. Kinetic

    Kinetic Well-Known Member

    I don't have any goals in life
    I have no hope
    I feel tired
    I feel unhappy
    I feel like no one cares
    I feel empty
    I feel lost and confused
    I feel like there is no point in having a meaningless life
     
  16. umkulu

    umkulu Member

    I am dead my brain just hasn't caught up yet.
    Life is same old shit different day I have a very lonely future
     
  17. Xian

    Xian Well-Known Member

    WTF my support is in my post in the last two paragraphs. Page 1 of this thread.
    ~peace~
     
  18. Because I'm lost
    I'm in so much debt
    I dropped out of high school
    and have two full time jobs at the age of 17
    I'm loosing everyone I care about
    and I don't want to ruin my moms life anymore than I have
    I just want everyone to be happy
    and I feel as though I just bring people down more than any human should
     
  19. I feel the exact same way as you do. I want to die so badly...but I couldn't bring myself to ever do it. I just wish I'd get into a car accident too, or end up accidently drowing, being poisioned by someone who hates me, or something...anything.

    Mainly these are my reasons why I'm suicidal:
    + I struggle with my habbits of loosing friends
    + I don't like the way I am very much at all
    + I hate how I'm so dependant on EVERYTHING
    + This depression is so severe and painful
    + I'm constantly sick in my mind- I'm a hypochondriac
    + Every little thing can make me cry
    + I don't want to have to worry about my future
    + I want all the pain to just go away (Typical one, I know)
     
  20. xestrangedx

    xestrangedx Member

    I constantly feel like a failure. I dont do well in school - i never have. I try to picture myself in 10 years but i cant. I dont see myself here. I try to think of the future but i know i wont succeed at anything. I have no plans, no goals, one dream that i can NEVER accomplish. I feel like a failure in life. The people around me always asking 'what do you want to be when your older?' I get fed up of saying 'nothing' or 'il be dead soon so it wont matter'. How i wish i could tell them the last one and actually have it be true. The people around me are smart, have plans and goals - then there is me.

    I hate myself. I cant pick out good things abut me because they are none. The way i look, the way i am inside - its all fucked, all broken. Cant be fixed. I hate myself. I cover up myself as much as p[possible, i go out only when i really need to. I dont like to be a waste and be social. No one wants to spend time with me. I hrt myself - bring pain to myself, abuse my body but still it doesn’t give me satisfaction - only for a short while.

    I hate the flashback, the memories that no one can erase. I hate it. Every night it keeps me awake, it wont let me sleep. I cant sleep because the memories are there. Everyone would be happier if i wasn’t here. They would act like they care but they dont. I have my funeral planned out, i will be happier.

    I hate the way someone treats me but i cant get out of the relationship. I cant leave, im feel trapped.

    I have never told anyone all that before - wow i cant believe i have posted this on here.
     
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