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Why bother? Is there any point for me to live?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by feathers, Nov 20, 2010.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I'm at a party right now, sitting upstairs completely miserable. Everyone else is having fun. Apart from my boyfriend who is worried about me sitting upstairs hiding because I hate everything and I can't stand the loud noises and people are irritating me because I'm hormonal and probably pregnant. But I got a negative so I'm disheartened even though it is a bit early to be taking it.

    But yeah. Loud noises scare me now. Anxiety. People annoying me so easily. Hormones. So angry all the time. So miserable. Can't live up to other people's standards of someone at a party. Can't be happy, can't enjoy myself, can't join in the fun and games because I just wanna sit upstairs and cry my eyes out. And, for the first time in a while, to cut. And to just die.

    All I do is make people's lives worse. I suck them in, all BPD style, then they can't leave because of my manipulation. Then they end up miserable and exaggerating their own problems to get attention, like my boyfriends always do. I end up causing myself more harm and causing other people harm, and then just living in this cycle of misery.

    Honestly, what is the point, when all that is happening in my life is that I'm making people miserable and they're getting made miserable by me? I've pressured my boyfriend into getting me pregnant and now he's stuck with this miserable whiny bitch for the next few years at the very least. And if I'm not even pregnant (I think I am) then there's the only reason not to kill myself right now out of the window.

    It's getting ridiculous. I hate myself and I hate being alive.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like if your behaviors are causing problems, you can learn to behave differently in therapy.

    Have you been diagnosed with BPD?
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    No I haven't been diagnosed but I am seeing a psychiatrist for that reason next month.

    Thank for your reply.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you are going in to get some help. It can be very hard to deal with people when you are not well. I usually go down just to say hi then leave for awhile then go back short spurts like. I too tend to navigate to my bedroom when too many people are around Just explain to them you are not feeling well so will probably not be able to stay too long in the crowd. I hope with help you will be able to join in more to activities with your partner.:hugtackles::hugtackles:
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thank you violet, you've always got a nice word to say.

  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hope you got in to see you doctor could be many reasons why you are not feeling so well hope you ruled out medical ones as well. hormonal levels etc. hope therapy starts soon and you start feeling better about who you are. especially if you are pregnant you want to be stable and have all the supports in place beforehand. take care of YOU okay don't be forced into doing anything you don't feel you can do just excuse yourself like i said.
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thank you. The doctor increased my meds today so hopefully I should be feeling a little better soon.
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