I'm at a party right now, sitting upstairs completely miserable. Everyone else is having fun. Apart from my boyfriend who is worried about me sitting upstairs hiding because I hate everything and I can't stand the loud noises and people are irritating me because I'm hormonal and probably pregnant. But I got a negative so I'm disheartened even though it is a bit early to be taking it. But yeah. Loud noises scare me now. Anxiety. People annoying me so easily. Hormones. So angry all the time. So miserable. Can't live up to other people's standards of someone at a party. Can't be happy, can't enjoy myself, can't join in the fun and games because I just wanna sit upstairs and cry my eyes out. And, for the first time in a while, to cut. And to just die. All I do is make people's lives worse. I suck them in, all BPD style, then they can't leave because of my manipulation. Then they end up miserable and exaggerating their own problems to get attention, like my boyfriends always do. I end up causing myself more harm and causing other people harm, and then just living in this cycle of misery. Honestly, what is the point, when all that is happening in my life is that I'm making people miserable and they're getting made miserable by me? I've pressured my boyfriend into getting me pregnant and now he's stuck with this miserable whiny bitch for the next few years at the very least. And if I'm not even pregnant (I think I am) then there's the only reason not to kill myself right now out of the window. It's getting ridiculous. I hate myself and I hate being alive.