I just don’t know how to be ok or happy. I’m getting so tired of the same cycle over and over again. I keep telling myself that I have my daughter to live for, though I know that it isn’t true. She is no longer in my care-she does not need me and I doubt that my death will have any effect on her. I wonder sometimes what it is that keeps me going, it’s almost as if I am ashamed to admit that I want to live, that I keep giving my self excuses that aren’t real. The truth is that there is very little holding me back so why can’t I just die? I wonder if I died today, if I’d be missed or even remembered. Other than my mother, with whom I have a rocky relationship, who will attend my funeral? It seems that I am not only dispensable to my daughter but everyone. I do not want to be forgotten and I want to make an impact on people’s lives but I fail to matter, bond and trust and that is my fault, it is my fault I am miserable but how do I change? How do I get better? I know that I will never be like everyone else and for I while I told myself that that was ok, but then I look at others-not just here, and I think how many more years of this will I have to endure, what if things never get better, what if I never learn to be happy? I ask my self if it's enough, if everything I can be enough, I know that I can succeed professionally but I wonder if that matters, I worry that I will never be content unless I learn to function as everyone else does, but I just don’t know how. How can I be normal and happy?