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Why can't I ask for help?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Madam Mim, Nov 7, 2010.

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  1. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    I can't do it yet, it's the wrong time, I have to wait for things to settle down before I go and ruin everything for everyone again. So why can't I ask for help, even though I need it so badly?

    This has been a terrible week, and it's all escalated to the point where I feel totally out of control and so helpless and useless and worthless. I've never felt so angry with myself. I'm such a loser, I can't do anything right, and I'm just so pathetic.

    Now I feel so trapped, because I don't even have my escape plan until things get sorted. And I'm scared that things won't ever get settled. Or maybe I'm just being pathetic and cowardly. I mean, surely if I want to die that much, why don't I just do it? I have the means, and certainly the inclination, so why not? Why should I care about saving these people a little more trouble? I'm sure I've caused them enough, I'd be doing them a favour.

    I just want to scream and cut and get rid of this pain. I feel life is so unfair, and then feel guilty for being so pathetic and not just getting on with it like everyone else. Arggghhh!! What's wrong with me!!! How can I be so calm on the outside, yet so torn up inside? I'm just so pathetic.

  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You're not pathetic for feeling the way you are.

    Expressing yourself can be very powerful to let out, reflect and make sense of your feelings.

    You might not know it at the moment but there are reasons why you're sticking around.

    Why can't you ask for help? I don't know- but from your post you sound guilty. Maybe you feel like you don't deserve it?

    What is your support network? Has anything triggered these feelings off?
  3. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your reply plates.

    Bizarrely, it was my counsellor who triggered all this. As much as I don't want to, I'm going back to see him today, which I have a feeling will only make things worse, but I just don't know what else to do.

  4. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    Your counsellor may have reignited those memories/feelings which you have been suppressing as they cause you to feel much worse than your normal level of well being. Why are you still hanging on? Thats because you need to. I could talk about unfinished goals and meaningful motives which you are to rediscover and fulfill but i think it goes deeper. You really do care about yourself. Thats the first step out of darkness. Somehow, once you start regaining self-respect, the others will start seeing it too. Then the guilt shall be replaced with positive reinforcing feelings.
    Pm me if you ever need to. :hugtackles:
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Maybe working on why you cannot ask for help is the first step to get help? Many ppl feel worthless and ashamed by their problems...revealing this is very difficult...also, when one feel so stuck, we do not know where to start...try starting with working on expressing how you are feeling...J
  6. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your replies.

    I missed my counselling appointment. I just couldn't face that today. Not sure I'll ever go back, he's upset me so much.

    dartofabaris, I really hope you're right. I try to see myself from an outsider's perspective and tell myself what I would tell them, and it's a lot like your post, so it's nice to hear it from someone else; kind of confirms it's true, which gives me hope.

    J, I do very much feel ashamed of my problems, even though I know what caused them and know now that it wasn't my fault. Despite that, I can't let go of that feeling of inadequacy, which is how I ended up forced into counselling in the first place.

    I guess that's the problem, that I've created such a strong facade of everything being 'right', that I can't bear to let anyone know that things aren't alright. I guess I'll go on pretending; I mean, it's got to turn out alright in the end, right?

  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think wearing that mask will wear you down in the end
    I think dealing with you pain inside those words of destruction you use at yourself
    You need the councilling to help you heal more then maybe you will see you are deserving of help
    I am bad for not reaching out because inside we feel we don't deserve it
    Try to not put on the facade okay try to be honest with your therapist
    You deserve help you know you deserve some peace inside so let yourself accept the help so you can start healing more.

    hope i am making some sense sorry tired to day but wearing that mask is not a good thing it will only take more energy at the end of the day
  8. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply violet, it's muchly appreciated.

    I know that everything you said is true, but I can't believe it in my heart. It just feels easier to hide away from the world, and myself, I suppose.

    I'm really angry with my counsellor, firstly for upsetting me last week, and now for not contacting me when I missed my appointment. For all he knows, I could be dead.

  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Your feelings of anger are important and a sign of the relationship between yourself and your counsellor. I've gone through this many times. Good therapists will always work with the relationship going on between client-therapist and encourage dialogue. How do you think he'd be if you told him about how upset and suicidal you are, and how he is responsible? It's understandable you don't want to ask for help from a counsellor of all people- you feel betrayed/angered by.

    I'm not sure if you want to talk about what he did to upset you but your feelings of anger are good! It means you value your life and know what is good for you :hug:. Not contacting you sounds pretty disgusting and I share your thoughts about his irresponsibility going by the behaviour you described.

    Treat yourself gently.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2010
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    he was probably too busy or something mine never gets back to me for sometimes aweek even it is not a good thing though i know it hurts ihope he calls back soon i really do because if not i would look for a different one and tell him why take care
  11. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Thank you both for your replies. It's really good to have someone else's perspective, as I obviously am very one-sided.

    I've totally blocked out what he was suggesting that upset me, I just refuse to consider it. I know that's probably a damaging thing to do, but if I don't I'll just go insane.

    I haven't heard from him, and not sure if I'll go back next week. Will see how I feel. I'm not really angry anymore, have pushed it all away.

  12. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Unrest is a part of therapy...without it we would not be looking at those things that shame or upset us...I think it is important to see where these feelings are coming from and whether this is good for you...because something is upsetting does not mean it is wrong...therapy and its scrutiny can be very upsetting...hope things work out and know we are here for you...J
  13. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Your anger is accurate. I trust you and your judgement. Whatever he did sounds important and very upsetting because you're blocking- it hurt you so much and caused you so much distress. I believe in you and share your feelings.

    I hope you choose what is good for you- especially if he is showing no initiative to check on you. I know distancing from certain therapists/service providers did me a lot of good. :hug:
  14. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Thank you both for your support, it means a lot to me.

    I have definitely blocked the whole thing out now, which I think is best at the moment. I am going away for the weekend with a friend and will see how I feel when I return, and try to decide what to do.

    J, I understand what you mean when you say that just because it's upsetting doesn't mean that it's wrong, and I agree - it's clearly something I will have to deal with at some point, but I feel like I can't cope with it right now.

    plates, thank you for your kind words. I know that if I leave this counsellor I will never see another one, but I think at the moment maybe distance is a good thing.

    Thank you again.
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