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Why can't I be normal?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by June, Feb 28, 2010.

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  1. June

    June Well-Known Member

    I just had one of my breakdowns yesterday which resulted in self harming, again. I said I'm gonna stop that, but I can't. Whenever the pain is too hard to take, I do it.
    I just moved to another city because I thought it might change a few things but even though I have caring flat mates, it doesn't make my situation any better. I feel alone even with many people around me, I feel like I don't belong anywhere. The only reason I feel like having are my parents (they don't even know, I always pretend I'm fine). No one else seems to care or understand. How can I expect that from people anyway?! I'm difficult, my mood changes all the time, I neither want to be alone nor having people around me. I don't look forward to the next day, to my future... I just want to be normal, like other people, not thinking too much and just be happy, at least sometimes. Just for a little while to get that smile back when I was a child, before all these things happened...
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    What is normal? I personally don't think 'normal' exists. Average? Well? Happy? Yes, they all exist, but normal is a word that is banded around but doesn't actually mean much of anything.

    I really hear what you said though and can relate a lot to it.

    Unfortunately, despite moving, you can't move away from your head, so even though you have changed where you physically are, which may have adjusted some stuff in your life, it won't change much about how you feel.

    Do you think you can let people in to your world and share with them how you feel?

    Do you have any professional support to help you with how you feel?

    Self harming can be a huge challenge to stop. I would suggest not trying to stop cold turkey, just maybe look at delaying. So when you get an urge, if you do want to stop, delayself harming for 5 minutes, or even 1 minute to start with, and then gradually, over time, increase the time you delay it. Also try looking for more positive ways to deal with whatever you're feeling or whatever is going on.

    Did anything happen to trigger your breakdown yesterday?

    Also, welcome to the forum :)

    I hope that you can find whatever you need from us, here. I hope it helps in some way.
  3. June

    June Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your message...

    Yes, normal might be the wrong word. But I just meant not being like I am.
    To be honest I don't have a 'best' friend, not even close ones, because I make it difficult to stay in contact with. I can't be open to anyone and tell them what's wrong. But sooner or later everyone turns their back on me.
    I do have professional help, two counsellors, one for physical abuse and one for other things. I also take medication but nothing seems to help. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I feel fine until something small happens. But most of the time I wake up crying, either because of nightmares or I just don't know why.
    Yesterday I went to eat outside with my flat mates and there was just that little moment where I felt left out and I started to think. Even though that's nothing new to me, I usually feel that way...
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    What would you like to change about your life? What do you want from life that you don't currently have?

    Are you able to be open with your counsellors? Do you find them helpful?

    If you are under a doctor, I'm wondering if maybe you just haven't found the right med for you, or that you haven't found the right therapy (or both) and that maybe there needs to be some adjustments to look at different options for you.

    It sounds like you have been through some horrendous things, and that those past events are impacting on your present, which can make it a challenge. However, it should't always be that way. I know you said you can't open up, but have you told your housemates about any of this?
  5. June

    June Well-Known Member

    What I would like to change? Just about everything. I had a beautiful childhood but from the age of 7 I would love to change everything. I grew up very fast and things happened. I would have loved to be in a safe environment, not having to move away from my dad when I was young (he's the only one I truly love and admire), not going through the things I did...
    I talked to my counsellors but they don't seem to help a lot. I feel stupid sometimes when I tell what's going on as I know other people might handle things like that so easily and I just can't get over it.
    I also told 2 of my housemates but both of them seem to ignore it. To one of them I've been kind of close but he also doesn't seem to care. I don't want to be a burden for anyone, so I rather stay in my room by myself. Everyone has problems, I'm not the only one.
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, we can't change the past, although it would be wonderful if we could. I'm sorry that you have been through all those horrible things-things that clearly still cause you pain now. Maybe its worth looking at your life right now, as it is now, and looking at the things you would want to change to make it into the life that you want for yourself, and then looking at small baby steps to help you to reach that goal?

    It's great you have managed to talk to your counsellors. Counsellors are generally there just to listen and ask pertinent questions to help you while you walk your own journey. I wonder if maybe you need some sort of different therapy can could help in a more proactive way.

    Please try not to feel stupid. Whatever you have been through it has clearly caused you a lot of pain and its ok to share that it has caused you pain. When you invalidate yourself and your pain, it actually adds more pain to the pain you already feel. Any sort of therapist, and a great deal of people generally, will know that its not an event which is the important thing, but how it makes/made you feel. That's what therapist and counsellors deal with, the how it makes you feel part, and that's often worked on from a variety of angles, depending on what kind of therapist you see.

    What would care look like to you, with regards to your housemates?
  7. June

    June Well-Known Member

    Believe me I tried! I tried so many things, leaving the country twice, picking up new hobbies, which never seem to last as I don't have any energy, changing jobs and and and. I can't make myself 'new' friends because sometimes this is what I think I need. Someone to talk to, to listen, to do things together and whenever I feel bad to call up whatever time it is and this person is there for me. Unfortunately I don't have any of them. Which makes me feel lonely and sad.
    What care would look like to me? Here at 'home', if I can call it that way, I just wish they would talk to me more often. Usually they realize that I'm feeling sad and instead of coming to me they go out and do things without me. Care means being there for someone, even in difficult situations. I do care. A lot sometimes. I usually put others before me so when I see that someone doesn't feel good, I go to them, talk and try to give them advice and help. Things I would need. I'm not upset or angry they react like that or they don't care, I actually can understand them.
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I wasn't meaning to imply that you hadn't tried, from everything you've said, I don't doubt that you're tried your hardest and done your very, very best.

    Forgive me and correct me if I'm wrong, but most of the things you seem to have tried have involved changing your physical circumstances. Do you think those were cases when you were maybe trying to run away from what's been in your head, as well as possible physical situations? I'm just wondering if those things didn't help because the demons are still in your head and you haven't yet been able to confront them.

    I hear why you feel they don't care, but actually, it may be they care but don't know how to act, or think that by leaving you alone its what you want. Maybe at some point they felt pushed away and so have tried to respect that, or something. Do you think maybe it might be worth talking to them and talking about what you just posted?

    I can relate a lot to not having any friends. I wonder if doing something like volunteering might help? Because you get to meet new people that way. Also, hopefully being on SF you will find you can talk to us and we will listen. I know that's not the same as a 'real life' friend, but often it can meet our needs when they are not met in any other way.
  9. June

    June Well-Known Member

    Yes, I think you're right about changing my physical circumstances. I always tend to run away from my problems. Sometimes it works for a while but they always follow me. I can't stay in one place because as soon as I get used to things I start to think too much again and just leave. I know that's wrong and I need to face my problems.
    I don't think they care. Why would someone leave me alone if they care?! If I know someone is sad and crying I would go to them and give them a hug or anything. To make them smile... I don't want to talk to them about this, they won't understand. Or they would be different today and tomorrow everything will be the same.
    I also want to thank you for listening to me and writing me back. I really appreciate that!
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You're very welcome :)

    Maybe now is the time to stop running and to start to face your problems? Maybe that could be the key to being free from your past.

    I think different people show their care in different ways, some try to respect people's privacy and so leave them alone to come to them if they need help, some prefer to be alone themselves and so act that way with others. If they are not people who like someone around them when they fele bad then they may not be able to instantly know that some people DO like people around them. I do hear that you don't want to talk to them about this though.

    I wonder, have you thought about looking into support groups in your area? Maybe for physical abuse, and/or the other things you have been through? That would potentially be a good way to meet people, and also to start to face what has gone on for you.
  11. June

    June Well-Known Member

    I know... I just looked into support groups. But the problem is that I just moved to Spain and I don't speak the language very well yet. I would need to find some in English. But I guess that's a good idea.
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    That is a huge challenge. Do you have any charities over there (especially mental health or abuse charities) that are Englsish speaking, or that have English translators?

    I imagine that might fele very isolating being in a country when you can't speak their language.
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