Why Can't I Break It

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Forgotten_Man, May 11, 2010.

  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    GAHHHHHH... I want to change... I want to be happy and confident. I want to be able to attract people too me. However, at the same time I know I am worthless. Well I believe I am worthless. So many people tell me I am not. It breaks my heart into pieces. I am trying to snap this wall.

    However, whenever I pound on this wall it causes me great pain. The wall that is keeping me from being confident. It is this big wall, that whenever I try and break past it it feels like I am being kicked in the balls. It hurts just to think I am worth anything... even the slightest tiniest little bit. Why does it cause me so much physical pain? Why can't I just feel happy for myself.?

    Why can't I break past this wall? Why do I hate myself so much? God why.. what do I do... this is ruining my life. I mean it hurts to even smile. To fucking smile... god I hate myself... no wonder I am alone... :depressed:
  2. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I feel the same. It really takes alot out of a person to feel this way every day... -____- I want to change; but perhaps I've gone past the point of no return?
    It's very sad.
  3. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    In order to change we have to change the way we think, almost completely.
    I'm really not sure I know how to do this other than giving therapy (CBT) a try.

    It's because of the way we have ALWAYS thought about ourselves that we are in these situations and we need to start thinking about ourselves in a new way. But obviously it is easier said than done, but not impossible. :)
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I was going to suggest CBT too.....
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    What does CBT stand for?
  6. praedor

    praedor Member

    CBT is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, in its basic form it tries to get you to change your thought processes on the basis that changing the way you think will change the way you feel. Another form of therapy worth considering is mindfullness, this works on similar principles but looks at changing the way you feel to change your thought processes.

    To Forgotten Man I understand how you feel, I berate myself alot and think very little of myself, I know what it's like to break down when people think there's more to you, for me I feel like I'm worthless and don't deserve them to be nice to me, and my 'critical' voice tells me not to believe them and that they don't really know. It is a hard cycle to break, and I'm struggling to break it but doing my best. A form of therapy I have found quite helpful so far comes from a book called 'The compassionate mind' it's very insightful and is helping me a lot. I hope you find a way to break your wall :hug:
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You've already done two courageous things that will help you. First, you joined SF where you will get support. Second, you have acknowledged your wall.

    Just knowing there's a wall is a big step. Now you can delve into yourself and your past and begin to understand how it was built...and that will help to pull down the wall.

    I agree with the others that some form of therapy. Therapy is kind of like "directed re-thinking" of our self image, our past, our thought processes, and so on.

    It can be helpful to catch yourself when you slam your own self. Replace that negative idea and replace it with evidence from your own experience that shows the negative thought is not true.

    Hope you feel better soon.
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @praedor: I will see if I can find that book in a library. Granted I am not sure when I will read it, thanks.

    I just don't know how to go about getting therapy.

    @Acy: I know how the wall was built.. let see.. kindergarten...3rd... wow... close to 9 years of bullying. The first 7 or so years were just kids at school making me hate myself. The next 2 years were my dad telling me that I was worthless unless I kept up with trends. Then there was the fact that I went to high school with tons of kids from elementary school and no one remembered me... hence my username. Like litereally I was in a class with a kid for 4 years and he bullied me regularly and I see him in high school and he gives me a blank stare. From there I just kept to myself.

    I don't know if I will get better. I have to sit down and ask myself why do I even care. The answer makes me sick... I don't really want to talk about it here.