Why cant I change this??

Joined SF last night because I was feeling close to the edge. have the anti-dep meds in front of me prescribed by doc after asking for them. doing the marathon therapy, know its not a sprint - know of the many suggestions for helping oneself - but in a place where I am not able to action any of the positives. So it is now sunday evening, and over past few hrs I have yet again being planning the end. Sori for sounding so ungrateful but don't want nor need to hear things are not that bad, it will get better ..... I AM ALONE - feel that if either of the two friends i have shared my feelings with had shared the same with me, I would not have left them ALONE - so where to from here - have been really disappointed to read the lack of success rate for overdoses in ending it all. I guess all i need is courage for the alternative

 

you are right it's a marathon not a sprint I will never tell you otherwise.

while you feel alone, you might feel less alone here...there a lot of members and a lot of us feel alone and are here to try to feel less alone. you can make friends on here and granted it's not the same as in real life...but it's something keep talking to us, give us a chance and who knows maybe you'll find someone to be friends with and you won't feel quite as alone. try it, you got the anti depressants, you got the therapy maybe this forum is the last piece of the puzzle to try to make it better for you. might as well give it a try right?

 

FBD, I guess you are right. I guess I am struggling with needing to talk about where I am at with not wanting those I care about to worry for me (but desperately needing their support, contact etc). I am a very private individual who always 'appears' to be 'fine'. So on SF maybe I will get that opportunity - last piece of puzzle

 

give it a shot then...just start talking...well typing I guess. I'll be here to listen and so will other members this is what we are here for to listen and help each other out. you found a good community :hug:

 

I am truly sorry that you feel this way. No one knows you here this is the ideal opportunity. You can get what ever your troubles are off your chest without judjment or worrying family and friends to know how ill or sad or lost we are. I have done so myself and it has helped immensly. I hope you will find what you need here ! You dont need to die ..you just need the pain to not be unbearable. You can always pm me anytime xx

 

On the surface, my life is pretty 'normal'. I am in my early thirties and hold down a professional job as a civil servant. From 9-5 I can mostly cope with life and do a good job. Its the evenings, weekends and days off that I cannot cope with. I am not in a relationship at my own choice - in my state of mind, a relationship with another would be selfish and would not work. I have a few good friends, two of whom I have shared my feelings with. So what's wrong with me? I feel totally disconnected from my family, feel guilty about things I have said and done in the past, don't like myself, to be more honest, it's self-loathing, am desperate to feel loved, needed, wish to have someone, anyone to spend my time off with, who actually wants to be with me, maybe them suggesting stuff to do rather than me, to be held in mind by others when I am not there, just not to feel so desperately and terribly alone. To others I have a great life, no kids, able to come and go as I please etc. But reality is I don't want what I have, don't know what I want other than not to feel so alone, lonely, sad, empty, helpless, hopeless - I guess I just need to find ways to like me and to FEEL content with my situation. This has been ongoing for longer than I can remember. All the strategies for lying to myself about how unhappy I actually am are no longer working and the negative feelings come on top of me now without any warning and I cant get it to shift on. I so desperately don't want to feel like this, feel weak that it has come to this and immense guilt about actively planning to end it all. What I think I need is a rest, but weekends are full of rest, time alone and this is what I can no longer bear. 'Flight mode' - i.e. sorting out others problems, avoiding acknowledging my own to myself is no longer working. I have slowly been falling apart for so long, I don't know where the pieces have gone and if SF can help putting the puzzle back together. All I know is this: I am a measured individual who is now tired, tired of fighting to stay above water, tired of finding reasons to stay alive so as others will not be upset, when right now I want to care for me, and have that long sleep that I need.