On the surface, my life is pretty 'normal'. I am in my early thirties and hold down a professional job as a civil servant. From 9-5 I can mostly cope with life and do a good job. Its the evenings, weekends and days off that I cannot cope with. I am not in a relationship at my own choice - in my state of mind, a relationship with another would be selfish and would not work. I have a few good friends, two of whom I have shared my feelings with. So what's wrong with me? I feel totally disconnected from my family, feel guilty about things I have said and done in the past, don't like myself, to be more honest, it's self-loathing, am desperate to feel loved, needed, wish to have someone, anyone to spend my time off with, who actually wants to be with me, maybe them suggesting stuff to do rather than me, to be held in mind by others when I am not there, just not to feel so desperately and terribly alone. To others I have a great life, no kids, able to come and go as I please etc. But reality is I don't want what I have, don't know what I want other than not to feel so alone, lonely, sad, empty, helpless, hopeless - I guess I just need to find ways to like me and to FEEL content with my situation. This has been ongoing for longer than I can remember. All the strategies for lying to myself about how unhappy I actually am are no longer working and the negative feelings come on top of me now without any warning and I cant get it to shift on. I so desperately don't want to feel like this, feel weak that it has come to this and immense guilt about actively planning to end it all. What I think I need is a rest, but weekends are full of rest, time alone and this is what I can no longer bear. 'Flight mode' - i.e. sorting out others problems, avoiding acknowledging my own to myself is no longer working. I have slowly been falling apart for so long, I don't know where the pieces have gone and if SF can help putting the puzzle back together. All I know is this: I am a measured individual who is now tired, tired of fighting to stay above water, tired of finding reasons to stay alive so as others will not be upset, when right now I want to care for me, and have that long sleep that I need.