why can't i do it?

[ican'tdie]

I want to kill myself. I want to slit my wrists and feel the blood oozing from my veins. Yet everytime I try, I can't do it. Then I just get more mad at myself for being such a loser!. Why can't I just do it? What is stopping me? I can't continue to live like this. My mind is to messed up. I can't think straight. I hate myself. I hate everyone else. I don't want to be happy. I don't want things to get better. I just want it all to end.

 

[kcinva]

I know how you feel friend...I think you probably actually WANT things to get better..but maybe you are like me...you have tried and tried and things just don't get better...after years...or even.....decades of trying...I know how you feel...believe me I do...I just want to control the only thing that seems like I can control...ending it now so I do not have to endure anymore of it...
For me its the finality of it...that once I do kill myself...there is no turning back...I wish I had the answer my friend but I don't...

 

[ican'tdie]

Sure I have wanted things to get better. But like you said, I have not been able to. In fact, things have gotten worse. So why stick around and see things get even worse? The worst part......not even knowing why I'm so depressed. I wish I was diagnosed as Bipolar, or DID, so that I'd have a place to put my depression. Instead, the doctors think it's just Clinical depression. That just makes me want to die even more. Well, I have to go see my therapist in 2 hours. I am going to go SI so that I can relax and feel like going.

 

[reborn1961]

Most suicidal people struggle with the act. Bottom line, humans have a natural will to live that is very strong, even if you don't think it is present in you right now....it is.

Clinical depression is an actual disorder and often treated by various methods of medication and therapy. Most of us are afraid to be honest with ourselves and our therapists to allow the healing process to take place. We often live in denial and make rationalizations for why we are not getting better. I did that for many years. I will say looking honestly at myself is damn hard to do and I certainly preferred the denial stage. But have grown and continue to get better. I have bad days still but nothing like I used to.

Its easy to get into a rut with doctors and give up looking. If it takes 20 doctors to find the right match to help you than do so. We spend so much energy on figuring out how to die and why we don't that if we turned that energy on finding the right help we might be surprised at what we can do and all the good inside of us. Good luck.