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Why cant I do it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Soldier83, Feb 23, 2012.

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  1. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    All I think about is ending myself. I've had these thought most of my life. I dont know what i'm doing on an online forum, just being pathetic i guess. Why cant I just get over all this like everybody else? Something goes bad, I fail at something, I mess up, all I can think of is doing something bad to myself. I try to be kind, I try not to do hurt anyone that hasent deserved it. Yet everything I do causes bad luck or mishaps to everything around me. If I could just do it then they would be so better off. Yes they will be sad for a little while but soon my wife will find someone better for her. A better father for my two kids. Then there lives would be better off. Without someone that mopes around and brings everybody down. Again I dont know why I'm writing all this down, but maybe i'll gain the courage to do it someday.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, Soldier. I think that your wife and kids would much rather have you with them here than just in memories. Pretty well everyone here has had days where they struggle and feel that everything they do turns out badly. Depression tends to make us forget and discount the importance of the things that have gone right. Do you see a therapist or doctor? Have you tried antidepressants? It can help to just to talk to someone and the meds often lift someone's mood enough that they can begin to regroup and sort out their issues.

    If you feel like it, maybe tell us about the things that seem to be going wrong.

    I hope you feel better soon.
  3. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    No i don't see anyone about these feelings. After my Mom and my Dad got divorced I found out that my dad had a vasectomy before I was born. So if I hadn't been born the strain of three kids might not have been to much stress on there relationship, but with me the fourth kid there marriage might not have failed. There has always been some distance between me and my mom. When she got remarried when I was 14 she left me in the house we lived in and moved in with her new family. I've never taken any meds for this kind of thing or seen a doctor, its not one of the easiest things to talk about.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not the reason your parents split up hun come on they spllit up because of them not being able to work things out. You need to talk to someone a councillor someone a therapist to help heal that pain from past okay. NO your wife and children will not be better off without you here YOur wife loves you your children love their dad and if you left you would only set them up for pain hun. Talk to your doctor ok set up some therapy for YOU hun so you can start feeling better about yourself
  5. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    Hi Soldier, I can tell you from experience that your kids definitely will not be better off without you. My Uncles wife committed suicide and left behind her 2 kids, and they are far from better off for it. I think your kids would rather have a miserable father who can potentially get better than no father at all. It doesn't matter who your wife meets after the fact, no one could ever replace you in your kids' eyes and they will see your loss as being abandoned, not as a relief. I'm not trying to guilt trip you or judge you in the least, but that's the harsh reality of what a suicide does to kids.

    You should try opening up to your wife about what you're feeling, she's your partner, that's what she's supposed to be there for. I know the man in the relationship is supposed to be unflinching and support the family but even they need help sometimes. I know you feel ashamed and angry at yourself for not being the perfect father and that's the hardest part about opening up, but it does help if you have someone to talk to about it even if it's a counselor.

    Also feel free to send me a PM if you want to talk or just vent.
  6. Paladin Isaiah

    Paladin Isaiah Account Closed

    Hi sir, I got to say that you don't really want to die, there is a feeling deep in ur heart that prevents you, you may want too, but for some reason you still want to live, perhaps it's cause you have kids and a wife, you may say that they may hurt for a while, but the truth is, is that the wounds never heal, when I was five I was in my room watching cartoons, when my mother (god rest her soul she passed away by heart attack back in 09) about my father, see they split up when I was two, she killed himself with his own handgun. the wound is still in me, I never knew what it was like too play catch with my father, or watch a sports game together, or to play video games, I never ever had that, and it still hurts me till this day, I'm 21 now, and it hurts more then ever because I got a son on the way, all I can do is be the father I never had, would you really want to abandon you children? I think deep down you don't, but I can tell you this, you got a family now, they come first, you got to pull out all you will, power, and strength for them, you must show them that when times get tuff, you got to be stronger, You can't end your self for small mishaps, or little things, I don't know if any of this will help, but I feel good that I'm trying to help. Good luck sir, rejoice, get knock down, get back up and ask for more cause pain is part of life, it's up to us on how we absorb it.
  7. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support guys, it really helps to get these things off my chest... the only worry that i have is my wife has alot on her shoulders. With me getting laid off then fired. Now i'm getting out of the military. I have nothing to do, but sit around with these feelings. Maybe I should talk to a professional, but now that I dont have any insurance i'm not sure of what to do.
  8. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    Yeah without health insurance you can get charged some pretty ridiculous rates for counselors which is why I haven't gone to see one in years even though I believe it would help. What branch of the military are getting out from? Also why did you get fired from your last job?
  9. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Well I've served in the army for almost 8 years now. Now I'm monetarily ineligible for re-enlistment for a medical condition I have developed, so when I completely out I wont have any health benefits from the military anymore. Also I've lost my job with Wal-mart because that company punishes you for having to take care of your kids. When I first started there I really like that job, I got to help people and I met some pretty good people. After a year they put me up for a supervisors position. I really didn't want it, but the manager of the store told me that if I didn't take it she wouldn't put me up for any other higher paying positions so I took it. The position wasn't bad at first, but after a while I started to notice things about how the store operated. Policy's that were in forced on some people weren't on other more attractive people. People were being passed up for promotions because of there looks, size, or there age. One day when I was called to do an override for an alcohol purchase turns out it was the manager of the store. So to try and lead from the front and show that anyone could be carded I asked her for her ID. Turns out she didn't have it. By state law no one without a valid government issued ID may purchase alcohol or tobacco so I had to deny her the sale. After she was done yelling at me in front of the customers and associates alike I was coached by 4 other co-managers and was forced to make an apology. After that I was shunned by the management team, passed up for promotions, and my supervisor started putting things in my evaluations that I didn't do. I tried to go to the National Ethics Association, but thats where I found out that Wal-mart isn't a member of the Ethics Association. So I went to the Human resources Dept. the issued an investigation to which was found that the management team at my store was one of the best teams around the country. You know what the really sad part about all this is? Maybe 2 weeks before I was fired, one of the co-managers was arrested for molesting an under age girl. Anyway, after the investigation was closed my shifts started to change without my knowledge until I accrued to many fired in which there policy is you voluntarily quit so your not eligible for any unemployment benefits. I tried to talk to a lawyer about this, but no one will return my calls. Welcome to the world we live in.
  10. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    Damn, getting fired for doing their job right no matter what is enough to make anyone depressed I think. That's WalMart for you though, allegations of employee discrimination and exploitation have been spewing out of that cesspool for years, doesn't surprise me at all what they did to you and it's disgusting how they can get away with doing it because no one can regulate them.

    I almost forgot the military won't pay medical benefits if it's not for something incurred through combat, isn't that how it is? But I would think after 8 years you would get some kind medical coverage from them. I can very clearly see why you're so depressed now though, that's a lot of getting screwed over after working so hard for so long. It really is a shitty world out there sometimes. Are you job hunting still or have you pretty much given up on that?
  11. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Are you kidding were living in a recession almost as bad as the great depression, I have two kids and although were saving a lot from not having to pay for daycare just sitting around all day is depressing just in itself. I tried to go back to school, but without any help that's just a pipe dream. My wife's mother lives relatively close but she doesn't want to watch the kids unless she has to. Its funny, whenever my wife has to do something that needs her to watch the kids its no problem, but when I need her to watch the kids so I can go to school there's no way.
  12. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Its funny I really thought that this place someone might care... guess not. Oh well I was worth a try I guess. These feeling are never going to go away are they? Dont worry about posting I wont be checking any further. To any that do read this and care I did my research on this and I have found that <edit mod total eclipse method>. I have also found a babysitter so that my children will not be the ones to find my remains. My truly one regret is my wife will never know just how much I truly loved her. God please give me the courage to fix my parents mistake.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2012
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    People here care and do not want you to harm yourself Your children will never ever be the same they will never understand hun Please go to hospital now and get the help you deserve
  14. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Thats just it, I dont deserve help. The only thing that I deserve is pain and suffering. Thats the way of it. Thats what life is. Suffering until you deserve to die. I thought that maybe I should be happy. Just maybe I could be something other than the pathetic lump of human excrement that I am. So I tried to make myself better, I joined the military, went back to school. Tried to be better, but all that was an exercise in futility. My brother was right after all. I shouldn't be alive anymore, I shouldn't be anymore. I need to end it before I mess up more lives. I need to do it before I cant anymore. All I do is leech off the ones I care about the most. It needs to end. It needs to end it needs to end end it end it
  15. aussiegal

    aussiegal Well-Known Member

    Please dont end it Soldier. I can understand that right now you are feeling unbearable pain, but there will be moments where it will not be as bad as it is right now. Your children need you. Your wife needs you. I understand how difficult it is to need to rely on those around you for support but wouldn't you be only too happy to help them if they were in pain? If your wife came to you in a moment of deep despair, how would you react? What would you say? What would you want her to do?
    Please stay strong and hold on.
  16. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    <edit mod total eclipse method>its such a small round, to do so much damage. I hope it will do the trick. Good bye everyone, and thank you truly from the bottom of my heart. It takes special people to try and help the people that are without hope. People that are lost, scrambling to define themselves. I hope that you continue trying to help other people. Don't give up, there are people that deserve help. People that have a purpose in life. They will need your help to get through the times ahead. If you hear from my wife please let her know that loved her with everything I am. Please let my kids know that this is not their fault. Let my parents know I'm sorry for ruining their relationship. Let my siblings know I'm sorry for ruining their lives as well. I have written a more detailed note for all those involved on my computer under the heading "To all those concerned". If my wife comes on here to ask why, let her know where it is. I would truly appreciate it.

    Again I would like to take the time to let everyone know how much it means to me that all of you that took the time to reply to my messages, and listen to my rants. It really helped me feel better. Don't feel bad about what I'm about to do, it is my destiny. A strange sense of calm, and joy came upon me when I realized that. This is what I want. I am ready.

    Take care of yourselves, and each other.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2012
  17. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    A few months ago, the actor who played George's boss on the TV series "Seinfeld" tried that. Look it up on the Internet, there is news on it. He was suffering from diabetes and one of his legs had been amputated due to the disease and he was about to go have the toes on his remaining foot removed as well. Can you imagine that? He tried to do what you're proposing and he failed. Can you imagine what he is going through now? I can't even imagine how they have been patching up his face/head. It's all pretty horrible... and you could be like that as well.

    Worse than that, we all have something even more important than ourselves to worry about; OUR KIDS. Why on Earth would you even consider putting your children through this?? Love your kids, don't destroy their lives from this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2012
  18. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    The problem with that, he did not know how to use the weapon properly. Also on the case of human anatomy he tried to shoot him self through the cheek. From experience I know the< edit moderator total eclipse method>. . Don't ask me why I know that its not something I'm willing to talk about that over an open line like this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2012
  19. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Well I guess I cant say what I need to, funny I really thought I could get some help here. Good bye everyone i'll see ya in the next life.
  20. slam

    slam Member

    take an excedrin pm, go bed, tomorrow come back here and continue the rant...

    doctors orders!
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