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Why can't I have a choice?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by elvinchild, Jun 24, 2009.

  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Its the nighttime thats worst. I am so alone. Even when someone is with me, I feel my agony most intensely now. I can not run from it, the daylight is somewhat of a shield but the darkness leaves me helpless and vulnerable. I cannot fall asleep. Because I am feeling so much pain, but also because I am dreading waking up the next morning. I want so badly never to wake up to tomorrow, I'll keep myself up to the point of getting hardly any sleep, just so I can prolong the time until I have to get up and start a new agonizing day - I am terrified to go to work. I hate work. I like the job in itself, but it brings so many stresses - at the cafe I work at, everyone is friends and I am completely excluded, people make it so obvious they don't like me, it is such a painful reminder of my aloneness, hours upon hours, 5 days a week. I can't escape, before I know it I can't focus on the job anymore and I am screwing up, I can't focus on what the customers are asking for and I have to ask them to repeat themselves, or I just plain mess up their order all together, I make the wrong sandwiches because I'm so unfocused and people don't get what they want, I'm much less efficient and much slower, soon I'm struggling to hold back the tears, people are so awkward around me because they find me so strange, my boyfriend works at the same job, pretty much same hours, but he can't talk to me because he is in the back room prepping food while I work up front usually with hospitality and processing orders. Tomorrow I have to work 10 hours straight. By the time I have worked 3 I am falling apart. I don't know how I'll make it... well, I always do but it is immensely painful, I am so tired of facing the pain, feeling so goddamn alone, and screwing up everything because I'm too fragile to handle it all, I feel so guilty and ashamed and I quite frankly find myself in a panic and feeling even more awful at work because people get angry I'm screwing up everything.... it just snowballs, I don't want to deal with it. I would rather die than keep up a life like this. But we have to work to live. And I have to live, or else I'll ruin my parents lives when I kill myself. I hate this. I'm forced into an existence I don't want, and never asked for. Why can't I have a choice? Why can't society accept that some people don't want to live? Why do people have to be so selfish and tell me to stick around when I am obviously in agonizing pain and would feel better dead, not feeling at all? Just being nothing. I don't want to wake up tomorrow...
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there i jus wanted 2 say iv read ur post. sorry u feel like this.i feel like it 2.im having time off work as it was all 2 much 4 me atm. *hug x