Why can't I just be friends with females.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Apr 28, 2010.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    This is really causing me to want to go out and kill myself. Kind of a rant, I really want advice.. but I want to get my thoughts out as well.

    So as I have been blasting all over the relationships forum I recently lost someone I really loved. There are many reasons as to why so I won't go into them. Needless to say that now that I cannot have her, I feel a lot more distant to her. I think it is because I long for the physical intimacy that we once had. However, I still feel in my heart that I really care for her. So why can't I just be her friend? There are many things I can think of that keep me confused.

    Enter in another girl I recently met online. She is really nice and sweet and drop dead gourgous in my eyes. I do not know how she feels about me. Anyway when I think about hanging out with her I have one end goal in mind, sex. I like her and want to get to know her. However, I cannot get past this want to have sex with her... to make her my woman. I feel that if I don't... well then I will start to distance myself from her... life will seem less fun.

    My other friend told me the same thing. She said once we stopped having sex, it seemed like I was having less fun with her. I think in some small way I was. I am scared the same thing will come to pass with this new female. I will have fun with her for a bit however as my chances of sleeping with her dwindle I will start to distance myself from her and become frustrated with her.

    So I guess my question is, why can't I just be friends with females? I mean without some kind of barrier in front of me? Why is it that I have to constantly lust after each girl I am with and ruin my relationships? It just makes me sick that I hold women in such low regard. That they are useless to me unless I am sleeping with them. I really hate myself for it. It is taking everything I have to stave off the urge to go out and hang myself.
     
  2. shamps

    shamps Well-Known Member

    Hi,I am really sorry to say that its not for me to give advice on this one as my partner just cheated then left me for her so the subject is a bit close to my heart at the mo.

    Just wanted to say that I hope you do not hurt yourself and as you hopefully should know there are lots of people on here that im sure will have a better understanding than me but please accept my *hugs* and be gentle with yourself ey?:hugtackles:
     
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @shamps: Kind of feels like I was cheated on as well... but technically I was not a boyfriend.. still hurts though. Hurt even more when she tells me that there is still a chance one day.

    Thanks for the hugs, wish I had some in real life though. However, I know all I really can get are e-hugs so thanks.
     
  4. satyesu

    satyesu Member

    Well, I'm no expert, but for example people with Turet's (Tourette's?) Syndrome do things they don't want to do very often. Your sexual thoughts could be helped by a psych.

    Just remember - YOU are not those thoughts. You are the wonderful, caring person who opposes those thoughts.
     
  5. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    What was your relationship like with women before all of this started? People often say the way we view the opposite sex comes down to our parents/siblings etc.
    Going right back to your early years, how were you around women?
     
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @satyesu: It is kind of hard to oppose these thoughts some times. I am not exactly a ladies man. I have only had a real life relationship.. or any kind with one female. A new female in my life will make it two once we start hanging out.

    At times I do not know if I want to oppose these thoughts. It is not that I do not want to have sex. I am just opposed to that being my only goal right now.

    @Aurora Gory Alice: Well I really didn't have any relationships. I lived with my mom and two sisters. However, they were never home, always out doing soccer things. I was often times left home alone. Once I figured out how to get porn on the internet I could get porn. That was about it. I hardly ever talked to females unless it was an absolute necessity. Even then I kept my distance. I guess my dad rubbed off on me. His views of women were of women are slaves for him. And they should thank the moon and stars that he is even willing to have sex with them. However, I spent my adolescent years fighting those very thoughts. Placing women in a position of no value to me... not even for sex.

    My first relationship is what really kicked me. I had sex with her on the first night I met her. :( I got confused about my feelings... scared even. Now she is gone because of that. Because I could not sit through and accept my feelings till she was with another. :( I hate myself because everyday I think and pray that she will come back to me. I know she won't... but I hope and pray like a terrible friend.

    I am also scared, that if I try to close the door to sex with this new girl.. well it will never happen. Everything I have been told about females from men who actually date and have girlfriends is that if I don't make moves I won't ever get a chance. It is not like I go out and meet women every day. I don't want to go the next 20 years without sex. My drive is to high for that... anyway I am rambling... I hope I answered your question.
     
  7. summerschild

    summerschild Well-Known Member

    Re: Why can't I just be friends with females

    I might make some people upset with this but you can check this out. Men show they love a woman by having sex with her. Women want to cuddle and men want sex. While we are not only our biology it is a very big part of who we are. Men have been asked "how do you know she loves you?" and have answered "because she has sex with me." And studies have shown that when a man is having sex with a woman he feels closer to her. Men are wired to demonstrate their love and affection with physical means. I really hope I haven't offended anyone but that is what I have learned from my studies and I hope it helps.
     
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Re: Why can't I just be friends with females

    @summerschild: Ha ha that made me feel a little better actually. Now I can justify keeping myself at a distance if I don't get any sex.
     
  9. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Forgotten Man, after reading your history with your parents, it sounds like you picked up a lot of ideas of relationships from your family.

    There is nothing wrong with desiring sex. It is hardwired into all of us pretty much, men usually more so than women.

    But, you're missing out on something if that is all you can have with a female friend. A complete relationship means a whole lot more, and is whole lot more meaningful and enjoyable in the long run.

    I'd really suggest talking to a professional therapist about this. They could help you sort out anything you learned from your childhood, from what you want for yourself now.
     
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @carekitty: I don't have a problem developing real relationships. I want to have them. I just want sex to be part of them. I don't want to get stuck as every girls harmless best friend. That is a big fear of mine. After that is what most females say about me to begin with.

    Maybe I just need to move and recluse as far away from society as I can. As I am obviously not mentally fit to be a part of society.
     
  11. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    There's nothing wrong with wanting sex as part of a healthy relationship. And I understand your not wanting to get stuck in the friend zone with someone that you want something more with.

    Please hang in there.
     
  12. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @carekitty: How does one hang in there when one can see one's only chance slipping away because of not knowing how to properly grow a relationship?
     
  13. yeh.

    yeh. Well-Known Member

    This is bollocks Forgotten man (i know you from back in 2006 when my narcissism was hurt and i had a chemical imbalance). We all want to make love to our female friends, sometimes we may want to refrain from it because we may be already enganged with someone else (who we love), but i think the desire is always there, so why feel bad about it? (i have had sex only once in my life and it was with a prostitute), is not only sex what i look for and i don't know about you, but if you don't literally fuck your woman, she will dump you.

    I really hope you don't kill yourself (is atrocious), but since i really have no power over that, why feel bad about it hu? Life is good, but is also a journey of self-discovery and (Sometimes) a journey for self-esteem (at least, i think that for me is).

    Also change your username, chances are you'll feel better (try: renewed man).
     
  14. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @yeh.: Wow, I figured everyone from my first year here had forgotten about me.

    I think my problem is that I do not want to keep a female friend in real life if I am not getting any. And that I have not met my most recent friend all I can think about is how I can bed her on my first night with her. Like I only apperciate her because I am sexually attracted to her. It is not that I only want sex. I just want that the most right now.

    I can't change my username... I would lose my history. Plus I am being forgotten as it stands. I am just forgotten. If I ever move I will be forgotten soon enough. I should just leave here and get it over with.
     
  15. carekitty

    carekitty Guest


    Honestly, I am sure no expert on this. But, I think that getting past the need to have sex take first place in the relationship is a good start. I wish I could be more help in this.

    I know there are people who could counsel you with this issue. I think you should consider talking to someone who has ideas on the best way to proceed. I know you can get past this, and have what you want for your life.
     
  16. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @carekitty: Well I am glad you have faith that I can get past this. Who knows maybe I will since the female I am interested in has closed that door for now. Chances are I won't I am too weak. But thanks for the vote of confidence.
     
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