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Why can't I just die?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hedgehog-girl, Mar 15, 2008.

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  1. Hedgehog-girl

    Hedgehog-girl Member

    I am a complete mess. I hate myself.

    I want to die, I simply cannot face it all any more.

    I am a drunk (so are the rest of my family)

    My husband left because I used to hit him, I was so insanely jeleous all the time I even locked him in the flat for a week once so he couldn't talk to anyone else. I am so ashamed about this.

    Antipsychotics mean that I have put on four dress sizes and cannot stop eating - I am disgusting.

    I am in debt because I couldn't bring myself to sell my married house for nearly two years afetr he had gone.

    I am patheticly crap at my job, I just feel such a fraud, they will realise soon how useless I really am.

    I feel very alone. I have slowly seperated myself from all my friends and they have got sick of my up and down behaviour. My family live at the opposite end of the country and are useless; they all have mental health issues too so I have told them nothing its not worth the hassle. No-one really knows whats going on; that I had nine months off work last year and that I have tried to kill myself a few times. I have no one to talk to.

    I take antipsychotics, lithium and anti depressants and they don't see to have done anything. My Psych says that I have BPD but that it is untreatable. I have tried therapy and counselling and DBT but I didn't get them. I don't see any other way of getting better.

    I just really want to take all the pills that are lined up around my bedside table.
  2. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Well-Known Member

    heya and welcome to the forum :) I'm sorry that u feel this way but hopefully if u talk to us all about things we may b able to help u. Do you want to tell us a bit more as to underlying problems that have gotten u to the point that u r at now? x
  3. Hedgehog-girl

    Hedgehog-girl Member

    Everything is too much. The desire to die grows every day and i cannot stop it.

    I want to take all those pills
  4. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    I wouldn't say you're a bad employee unless they actually say something about it or let you go.

    I used to think I was a laziest, worst employee at my job. I just recieved a promotion.
  5. Hedgehog-girl

    Hedgehog-girl Member

    Me too but it is just becasue they can't see how bad I am. I'm such a fraud.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Maybe they see something in you that you can't. It sounds as though the image you have of yourself is a very negative one. This is common among people with mental illness. I am glad you joined the forum and are willing to talk about things. Please think carefully befor you make any choices. :hug:
  7. Hedgehog-girl

    Hedgehog-girl Member

    I don't understand why it is bad that I want to die
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    As a pro-life forum, part of what we are about is encouraging you to live. Many of us have the desire to die, but somewhere inside is also the desire to live or we wouldn't be reaching out to others here. It is this desire we are trying to foster. I hope you can find that within yourself. :hug:
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