Why can't I just go through with it?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Essential, Jan 16, 2010.

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  1. Essential

    Essential New Member

    So, straight to the point. Why can't I just do it? I've been feeling suicidal since I was 16, and somewhere along the line the glass is full.

    I can't really remember any time of my life where I was happy/content. There was always this strange feeling that something was out of place. While I always have had a supporting family, friends and from time to time a girlfriend that somewhat lessened (is that a word?) the "pain". By pain I'm reffering to the fact that I will _never_ reach my lifes goal. I just want a A4 life, a wife, children and a 8-16 job. Is this really too much to ask for? I know I've not hit the stage of my life where this will kick in, but I can't help feeling it will never happen.

    The main reason I think I've been feeling like this (I study clinical psychology, oh the irony), is that I have some sort of strange social anxiety. For some reason I can be the toastmaster in my sisters wedding in front of a 100 people I've never met at the age of 21 without any problem, but I can't function at all in normal social situations.

    I'm overly jelaous, I'm slightly paranoid and can't let go of past social experiences. This mostly applies to girls.

    While I do realize most of my life will be spendt alone, and that I can't expect another person to be the main reason to live. But still, it hurts.

    What most frightens me is my constant urge to take my own life. Most of the time I feel that it would be the easy way out, and that it would end the endless pain and uncertainty. But at the other side I'm afraid what it would do to my family. I believe my family cares and loves me, so taking my own life would crush them. If I didn't have this thought, I would have gone through with it some time ago.

    I've been on meds for 5 months, but quit because everyone was telling me I was so "humorless". I noticed it myself, it made me flat and not caring. This is not the type of person I want to be.

    Some time ago when I brought this issue up with my doctor (the same time as he game me the meds), he suggested I should find some thing I would feel "loved" in (not the exact words, hard to explain).

    People always reach for something they want. As stated earlier, I want nothing more than a normal life. I have no urge to travel, experience "special" things or something like that (other than go into space, but I believe space travel is some years away).

    To be honest, when I read what I just wrote I kinda feel its just rant. It may be just rant for all I know. I've worked with people that has issues far above my own, but they still cope. Maybe I just needed somewhere to vent. On the other hand, I feel like if I don't do anything with these thoughts I'll eventually go through with it...
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member


    I just read your post but you seem to be gone, or are you still here?

    Since I am not sure if you are here or not I will be brief.

    I know what you mean when you say you want a normal life, I really do. I believe I had that once but lost it somehow and the memory of it is what drives me and keeps me going.

    I am here if you would like to talk and you can even PM me and we can talk there. I care, I really do and it seems like I relate to what part of your story you have shared thus far so maybe I can help...at the very least I can be a listening ear for you.

    Hope you are okay,
  3. Essential

    Essential New Member

    I went to sleep last night. Wasn't feeling too good at the time.

    It would be nice to have someone to talk to that understands, because the few I've talked to about these things dont understand at all. They all say something like (indirect) "stop whining and go on with your life". The ones I've talked to also have the thing I lack, a reason to go on. Boyfriends, travelling etc. It seems I'm completely alone when it comes to these feelings (at least in my social circle).

    It may be that my personality traits push people away. I'm arrogant (working on that), paranoid (as said earlier), extremely competetive (everything is a competition, not just sports but games etc) and lastly I believe that since I'm not feeling too good I "put away" all my empathy and compassion. Can't see further than my own nose.

    Also, I think I blame all my problems on my childhood. I had loving, caring parents etc but I was bullied alot in school. At age 10 I was sendt to the socalled "BUP" (children and teenagers psychology clinic). As far as I remember I was told to keep my anger/feelings inside to make the other kids leave me alone (no fun for them if I don't react to their teasing). Maybe I somehow put this to work in every other aspect of my life too. Sometimes I notice that everyone around me has no problem giving critiqe to their friends/boyfriends/girlfriends if its justified. I can't do this, and believe me I've tried. Somehow I think that it'll be the end of the friendship/relationship, si I just let it pass.

    Now, it may seem that I've got it all sorted and that I just need to work on the things I can't and can do. On some level I can, but it problematic since this is something I've been doing since I was a child.

    By the way, thanks for the reply :)
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey glad you are still here. I too held everything inside taught that too. Everything just builds up then wham i just explode. I hope you can talk here to let the pain out or the sadness. What has helped me is going to a psychologist who is helping me heal my past a bit deal with it. I hope you could do that talk with a professional as well as keep talking here It does help to have people who understand take care.
  5. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Because you value your life
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I can relate to what you say.. My dad always told me to turn the other cheek and hold my anger in.. He was military police andtold me if I ever got in a fight he would kick my ass worst than anyone else could.. I was always being bullied because of my size.. I have always been taller than my classmates and I guess they wanted to find out who was badder so they would hit me and I would turn around and walk away..I saw my dad take his billyclub to my brother because he was tired of my dads shit and decided to try him..To this day I am still passive.. But from me being in the Marines I learned how to fight..Now adays no one messes with me..Probably because I have isolated myself from the world for the last seventeen years.. I hope things get better for you..
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