why can't i just pull it all together?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by alison, Nov 14, 2008.

  1. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    Ugh, I'm sorry in advance for whining guysk, and im kind a drunk, so I apologize if this is stupid ro hard to read.

    Im so frustrated with myself. I cdon't know why I Can't just pull this all together. A monkey could pull this all off better than me.

    LEt me put it simply - I lead a pretty charmed life. Both my parents are awesome. Theyve been nothing but supportive my whole life and still now even though im fucking 21 years old and tcehnically not there problem anymore. My little brothers - awesome too. Wonderful, loyal, two of my bestfriends. Im lucky because im pretty smart. I go to a good college, and even though im broke cdause im a college student, im graduating soon and if i get on the whole looking for jobs thing i have the potential to make good money very soon. i have nice friends. I was invited to hang otu with people tonight (I had 3 separate options i could have gone with). But no, I decided i'd rather mope in my room on a friday night and drink alone and destroy my arms... yeah.

    but the thing is I really just cant bpull my act together. IM sad all the time, but no one notices because im amazing at acting - people always tell me im like a puppy because im always so happy. haha, jokes on me i g;uess, i dont really know. Im not doing good in school, but I could be doing wa;y better, I jsut cant focus no matter how hard i try to do things in advance. im always sleepy, i sleep so much its ridiculous. or not at all. like im talking several all ngihters in a row. despite how good a future i could have, its not going to happen because im either freaked out and terrified to the point where i cant do anything - liek apply for jobs or grad school. Or i just dont care and just ponder ways to dispose of mhyself. how is it that i mnage to feel so alone all the time when im surrounded by the best familuy ever and friends (Granted there superficial but still, its my fault for not telling them anything - theyre all good people) i wish i were dying physically because i dont want people to know that its mentally that i cant do thiss. im so sorry. im either incredibly weak or lazy or just evil, probably all of them, and im sorry. i dont desreve all the good stuff thats been givien to me, i wish i could divide it up among all you good peopel who deserve it more. im sorry.