why can't I let go...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pain&Sorrow, Jun 4, 2010.

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  1. Pain&Sorrow

    Pain&Sorrow Well-Known Member

    it's been almost twelve years since I was first put on medications. I'm off them now, without my doctors consent. I lay here now, with nothing. No point in life. No reason to live. But I can't seem to let go. I'm standing on the line, but I won't cross it.

    i have no job, i have no friends, i have nothing. I just sit here and waste away in my room, doing nothing. I can't even muster up the energy to do it... Not to mention, i have no quick way either. I just sit here, in my own pool of thoughts, wondering how deep the puddle is. Sticking my finger in its icy waters. Seeing that face in the deep...

    lifting the tarp is a nono. The Black Forest is full of nono's. I'm not even supposed to be here. The tarp covers the forest for a reason. I peek through the tattered holes... immersed in a world of meaningless things.

    fingers bleed from crying. the stench of depression. The longing for meaning, finding none, then climbing back into my shell.

    if you don't know what forever feels like, I'll show you what it feels like without it.

    Dancing the dark dace of the dead, i stand here, motionless. I collapse into myself, drowning in the puddle. Sinking deep in, looking up to find myself peering over the edge of the puddle, seeing the face...

    I'm swept away by the dreams until nothing is left. so many rules, so many rulers. So many demands and not enough to give.

    Hopelessness and sorrowful thoughts of death and pain. I just want to leave...
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    :hug: maybe you should go back on your medications? did they help when you were on them?

    Im here if you need anyone to talk to oks? :hug:
  3. deniston

    deniston Member

    I second going back on to the medication, if they were working which I assume they were. I know what its like to simply live out of a room, that is the same as me, but there is so much out there that interests me. You have access to the internet, an almost limitless resource of interest. Look at what interests you and go from there. There maybe activities that you could take up or just reading up about stuff.

    I love History and love reading up about various periods in History that interest me, I also find reading up about astronomy fascinating. These have lead to me visiting places here and there. You don't have to have lots of money, I haven't got a penny and I still manage it. I also searching for new music, I listen to music from all over, but the internet can open up to music that you would never find. I don't suggest sitting on the net day and night, but it can help to open up your mind and resource of knowledge and wisdom is only as vast and open as the reciever's mind is.

    I don't know where you live, but I live in a semi rural area and I often go for walks in the woods and park areas close by. Nature can create a tranquil feeling for me, because we are natural beings and all the man made "pleasures" in life is nothing but a drug, we need that of equal parity to bring true tranquility and happiness. I was very much like how you are, I would never leave my room, regardless of whether living at home or on my own, the same since I was a teenager, unless it was playing football or going to gigs, but don't do either now. However, although I do enjoy my own company in my own room, I have realised what I am missing outside.
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