Why can't I let go?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Israel Regardie, Apr 28, 2012.

  1. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    I wanted to post this in a more-read category, but this is more apt I assume.

    This is very hard to talk about, and I could fill volumes explaining the whole thing (in fact, I wrote a novel about it, which is currently being sent to publishers)

    There was this girl. That's the best place to start. Or maybe not. Actually, first, there was a boy. Me. Raised by reclusive parents, who had no friends and little contact with the rest of the family. I was raised as an only child. The first six years were spent in reclusion with my parents, alone, inside and watching television and watching my mother's depression get steadily worse. Then came school. Bullying, assault, and general rejection became part of my day. I made a few friends, but they would soon leave me as they got bored with my... uselessness.
    I made it to college and then foundation art school. There I met a girl. And all of a sudden everything was right. She loved me madly, and I her.
    And this is important. She really, really and fully loved me. In fact, she worshipped me. She made a secret club with a friend, created to stalk me, take pictures of me, and generally talk about how great I was. And we finally got together. It was the happiest two years of my life. I made her promise to never leave me like all my friends, and she agreed.
    Finally, someone who accepted me, adored, me fully. She gave me the gift of life. I had never felt so good. She was perfect, smart, cute, shy and vulnerable like me, and a similar upbringing to mine. I discovered true love. Someone who I felt destined to me with. All the signs were there, too many to mention. But it was like a movie, like a Disney movie, like everything was right, we were perfect together. And I really felt, I mean it, that I had waited all my life for this girl. Everything about her I loved. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I don't think most people understand that kind of love... It was love beyond this world. It was fate.

    Of course, the were some problems. We argued some times. There were sexual problems. And she was... very fatalist, the tiniest problem and she would fall apart. Just like me.
    I loved her so much.

    That was five years ago. She broke up with me. We, us, who were SO close, so... intertwined. She just sent me a e-mail that it was over. Just as I had moved to a new city and was all alone. She left me. Alone in a new city, new school, no friends, and she leaves me. Just like that.
    We tried to maintain contact, but she became weary of my bitterness and depression.
    I began to drink heavily (I NEVER drank before that, not any drugs) I did stupid and dangerous things drunk. I hurt myself, still have scars, and others. I cut my face open with a kitchen knife. I wanted to die.
    I started using heroin. Heroin gave me a break, a silence from the pain. And so I became an addict.

    Today I'm on methadone. New school and new city. Even a new girlfriend.

    But: I can't stop missing her. I still love her as much as I did back then. I havent spoken to her in five years... But I love her. Her life has changed, and I now love a stranger. But it is still love. I think of her every day. I just want to be with her. And it gets WORSE every day.

    That isn't natural. Yes, I'm in therapy. Yes, the methadone helps for the pain. But.. I just can't let her go. She was the one I was meant to be with. I miss her face, her voice, the stories of her childhood... And every day I want to die, but postpone it, in case I get to see her... just SEE her once again. I even moved to the same city as her, just to feel "close", even tho she won't talk to me.

    My new girlfriend is lovely. And I do love her. But... not as much as my ex. And, I feel awful saying it, I probably never will. Not that kind of strong, fate, and complete love. But I'm with my girlfriend because I don't want to be alone all the time. But I can never love her, or anyone, fully. Because there is only ONE girl, and she is gone.

    Like I tell my shrink: Really, I am dead. I have done what I should do. And all I'm waiting for is to die. I will never really be happy again. The best thing that can happen, has happened, and there is nothing more to do.

    Please... any advice? Help? Compassion? Been there?

    I can post more of the story if this gets any activity. But, please, read this, don't make the same mistake as me, and... think 'there but for the grace of God goes I'...
  2. josh123

    josh123 Member

    hey its funny i came across this because i too have very recently went through the same thing you have gone through and i do feel your pain ill give you my story and we can relate and maybe help eachother through it all my story is a bit different but similar in many ways

    so there was this girl who i went to highschool with as kids i asked her out and she said no i just came out of a relationship and im not ready yet we were kids and kids are weird and all that so yea whatever right? well after a while she started having a crush on me and i didnt want anything to do with her well she continued to have a crush on me and we lived right next to eachother as kids and one day she wrote a note to me in side walk chalk on the side walk in front of her house and it seemed very heartfelt and it said stuff about being with me and all that and that i wouldnt give her a chance well of course i was like wtf and thought she was weird and al that well after a while we didnt talk much or say much to eachother all through highschool she dated people and i just kinda did my own thing and what not well after highschool she went to college and i joined the military not long after this was about three years ago when i joined. Well after i dated some one else and all that and left for basic and my (AIT) that person left me two days after i left and moved in with someone else and that whole thing and i could care less now but at the time it was gut wrenching. After arriving home i kind of did my thing hung out and all that well i got back in contact with this girl that my parents had even tried getting me hooked up with while i was dating this other girl that i had no business dating, but of course i didn't. After i came in contact with this girl again we started dating like all of a sudden and it was awesome and wonderful and all that at first and then after a while we started to fight a lot and started to go down a bad path. Now i helped this girl out a tremendous amount with all kinds of things like a car, money, phone, moving, everything really. Well i like to think she was the one for me and that it was fate and all that and i will be honest i truly loved this girl i adored her and thought the world of her but in a lot of ways i was controlling and i guess maybe thats just my personality but i had anger issues and all that and i feel i ruined the relationship but i always tried to protect her and wanted to take care of her.

    well two years later here i am she broke my heart about 2 moths ago and i thought she loved me and wanted to be with me forever. She told me numerous times she couldn't live without me and i was the one for her and she loved me deeply and blah blah blah, but heres the thing i leave in two weeks to go over seas to be part of this dumb war we are in and she left me, and just two days ago i got into a pretty good motorcycle accident and she hasn't once called to see if i was ok or anything. She told me when we broke up that she wanted to live college life and not live it on wasted relationships shes been so cold towards me and mean and says she over it after two years she over it in two months she blocks my calls,text's,and emails she acts as tho i have abused and beat her for years and years and i haven't done anything of the sort. She was actually the one who would hit me, knee me in the groin, punch me in the face, slap me, and try and gouge my eyes out, i never hurt her like that or anything. Yea in the relationship i had trust issues and i was controlling but i never deserved any of what happened. She constantly tells me it all my fault and that i was a bad boyfriend and iv'e owned up to the mistakes i made and the wrong things i did and i feel bad for a lot of things i did in the relationship and i beat myself up everyday thinking about it and what shes doing and who she has moved on to and all that, and i to feel that i ruined something great in my life that was supposed to be and that she was the one but i look back on the whole relationship and think maybe it wasn't but i still wonder about it everyday and just wish she would be back in my arms and that she would be there for me but when it comes down to it she immature, selfish, and is only worried about herself and now i leave for a year and my life goes on pause and she gets to stay here in the states and live her life while i may go to combat at some time and may die in a foreign country and she doesn't understand that its very painful and i too have no friends or anything like that. Im alone and she has friends and is having fun and enjoying herself and i'm just left behind. Trying to figure it out is so hard and trying to make sense of it all is impossible and i am afraid that ill never find what i had with her as well and i have thought of suicide over all this stuff i'm going through there has been a lot of days were i felt it was my last day here and i hold on to hope that here is someone else out there for me thats better suited for me because chances are there is and i just haven't met them yet, and i hope she is not out sleeping with other people losing her morals about herself and just being a nasty girl sleeping with tons of people but i don't know and its painful full to think about it and it tears me up because she was my sweet caring little honey that i loved so deeply and now its gone. And i cant seem to let go or make sense of any of it or how evil she could be to do this to me right before i leave at this point i know she single she has told me this but i just have no idea of what she's doing.

    But anyway if you need someone to talk to you i can give you my email address or phone number or something. and maybe you should look at the one your with now and she's there for a reason obviously she loves you and cares about you and maybe she is the one your ment to be with but you don't see it because of the other one on your mind
  3. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    Hi, Josh. I'm glad you replied.
    When I started reading your post, I was a bit sceptical. The problem is that "relationships" and "love" are so general terms, that it's hard to know if we are speaking of the same thing.
    Some people think they are in love, but really aren't. People tell me that I should 'get over it'. Well, take my current girlfriend. If she would break up with me, I'd be sad for a few months, but I'd get over it. In other words, breakups are general terms that don't take into account the emotional investment. If you only have experienced the kind of love I have with my current girlfriend, then you won't get what it's like to suffer four years of heart ache. Know what I mean?

    But after reading your reply more thoroughly, I realized you're a interesting, sincere, and good person. I would love to hear more about the issues regarding the army and the "war", but let's take first things first, eh?

    First of all, it's only been two months. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a pissing competition, like 'my pain is worse than yours'. I'm just saying two months is a "normal" amount of time to grieve, and maybe, just maybe, in another two months, you'll be over it. Who knows, eh?

    Here is my biggest problem, and you might relate: HOW can two people go from being so incredibly intimate, so close to one another, so... she putting her head on your chest in bed, her telling you absolutely everything, every secret, from being almost ONE person, from breathing in sync, from being dependent on one another, from not being able to be two minutes apart, to being strangers? How can they be inseparable one day, unable to live without one another one day, to being just two strangers? To being two people who don't talk, don't meet up?? How is that possible?

    My girlfriend told me the same thing. She said she'd commit suicide if I left her. She cried when going to work cause she hated being away from me. And then, one e-mail and we never see each other ever again. Just like that... Poof.
    And then we're just supposed to "erase" all that intimacy. To forget...? To pretend it never happened.
    I mean, yes, it's a strange question, because people break up every day. But most people who break up, do so because they'd already grown apart.
    But with my ex, and yours, it went from steaming hot, to ice cold within a day. Or, almost. (My girlfriend told me she had planned to leave me for a long time. In other words, we, the two of us, who had been so inseparable, who breathed in sync, she had started to grow in another direction without telling me. And just PRETENDING she loved me for a month...)

    Sorry to be a broken record, but how can that happen? To just switch feelings like that,

    And then she gets mad because I'm bitter and resentful. She left me all alone, in a new city, new school, without anyone. The girl who was perfect for me, and promised to be with me forever. Of course I'll be mad. Of course I attempted suicide. Of course I was broken. What did she expect?

    She knew I was vulnerable for rejection. She knew I was alone. She knew I needed her. She knew I wouldn't handle it.
    If I had broken up with her eight months earlier, she said she'd commit suicide. But somehow, because SHE is over the relationship, I am being "dramatic" for wanting to die.

    And, here is the really big thing: She told me that the reason she broke up with me, was BECAUSE I couldn't live without her. BECAUSE I needed her, loved her, wanted her, BECAUSE of that she felt "suffocated". She didn't WANT someone to be dependent on her for his happiness... Yet, it was OK for HER to be so eight months earlier.

    I don't want this thread to become some sort of woman-hating thread. I don't hate or look down on any people, no matter gender. I can't say "all women are like that", but seemingly some are. And why is that?

    And, one final things, or two: When we got together, she knew who I was. What kind of person I was. She knew I was.... soft, emotional, kind and gentle. But after ten months, she starts talking about... well, rape fantasies. I was shocked. It turned out that she got some sexual kick out of being told what to do and forced into things. THEN she would get mad whenever I asked her what she wanted to do, getting angry and telling me to make a decision, take control... She wanted me to be aggressive and masculine.... or more so, at lest.
    BUT, OF COURSE, once I actually did, she would say no and just ignore me and do whatever she wanted....

    The problem is: I love her because she is the only person for me. But I hate her because I loved her and she left me. Love/Hate. Love/Hate. Love/Hate. Love/Hate. Love/Hate.

    How did she mean you were a bad boyfriend? What kind of girl was she? Where/how is she now? What does she do? New boyfriend? How did she break up? Did you have any other relationship problems?

    I take some comfort in my ex not getting a new boyfriend in these four years.... But of course, she will some day. And I know, I really, really know, that that day, when I find out she found a new man, I really will kill myself.

    (btw, I'm 25, from Norway)
  4. josh123

    josh123 Member

    yea i dont want to say anything bad about women either im not trying to have a (i hate women) kind of thing going. With that out of the way i mean its weird i wonder the same things how in one breath she say i love you so much and cry because she loves me so much and cry during sex because she says it just feels so right and wants me to be with her forever and blah blah blah. I still can't understand it to be honest and im still broken about it. I am not going to lie before i was with her i was happy and enjoyed a lot of differnt things and i was never really dependent on her or anyone for anything i have but i found even more happyness with her and thought wow this really is the person i want to be with. She never said anything about rape fantasies or anything and our sex life was good after we got comfortable with each other but after a while it became different and not so great and she's not the kind of person to just go sleep around shes not a (slut) i guess you would say. No from my knowledge so far she is not in another relationship or has been with anyone but i know she happy and i think every girl wants a masculine man in some way she used to say she hates picking places to eat and wants me to do that or take control and stuff and i did ive always been that way. She changed what she wanted all the time and was wishy washy and very absent minded. Im mostly a masculine guy i like to say but when it comes to her i have a soft spot for her. She used to tell me how she cared and loved me and couldn't live without me and all that and just the other day i emailed after i emailed her being heartfelt and she said im over it stop being mushy like i dont see how that happens. She said i was a bad boyfriend because i was controlling and manipulative and mean which controlling i could see but it was because of stuff she did and i wanted something else than she wanted and in some ways i was but in a lot of ways she was too with hitting me yelling at me and all that. I had stuck my neck out for her on many occasion's with buying cars, sell phones, buying her cloths, her family was never there for her and i acted as her family guiding her and helping her and then she turns her back on me after a fight about marriage before i leave. She would say yea i want to be married, no i dont want to, yea i wanna be engaged, no i dont wanna be engaged. it was all a huge mess and i hope yea in two months im more over it because if i really sit and think we weren't right for eachother im looking for a more adult relationship with someone and she has always seemed to be stuck in highschool. But as far as me and her talking we dont really talk and i have no clue what she is doing or going to do i can imagine her being with someone else or sleeping with them and all that and its very gut wrenching and she still has no contact as far as me leaving or my bike wreck or anything and she still hasnt sat down with me and talked to me about any of this at all or explained it or anything just a bunch of un answered question that i still have and for that im angry and feel betrayed. The only thing i can figure out is she wants to go out party and have her friends and she wants nothing to do with me i think she wanted this for a while but just chose to do it later instead of sparing me the heartache she did right before i leave. so i cant move on for another year pretty awful if you ask me. although she was crying and super upset when she did this and said she was super depressed and unhappy and just wanted to be friends but i cant do friends and she didnt like that. but recently she told me she didnt envision us being together forever after she had told me before she did. And about 3 weeks ago she started to miss me and sent my mom a text saying that she misses me but we couldn't be together because we just didn't work and shortly after un blocked me. We had some text convos and in one of those i said i was excited for the future to come home and meet someone new and settle down with someone else and she got mad about it which was weird so i really don't know and don't understand. She wanted to be friends but now doesn't talk to me at all she content and happy with whatever she does i guess. I guess when it comes down to it she wasn't ready for adult relationship or marriage we wanted different things i guess i really don't know and still can't understand. what about you any contact with her did you get any answers any explanations as to why she felt how she did or anything?
  5. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    Well. Like I said, the main reason she broke up, she said, was that she didn't want anyone to be dependent on her. She felt suffocated. It makes sense on one level, because as a child she had to take care of her sick mother. In other words, she was sick of taking care of people... But I never asked her to "take care of me", she did that on her own choice...

    She also said there were a thousand reasons she broke up. That she didn't want to be in a relationship full stop. That she wanted a new life. That she was sick of me looking at other girls and making comments (which I did as a joke, and she knew it, we shared the same sense of humour)
    She had kidney failure and was sick. She broke up with me two months before she has a kidney transplant. She didn't want me there by her side when she had the operation!! I wasn't allowed to be a part of it. That really stings me.

    She said she was sick of dealing with her own problems and mine at the same time. She had enough problems of her own...

    I always felt that I saved her. And she saved me. We were both alone, no friends, and depressed and lonely. Then we met each other and we... helped each other. We gave meaning to each others lives. I carved her and mine name in a rock. The rock were we kissed for the first time. Every night before going to bed she'd say: We'll be together for always.
    Then when she broke up, she said she never wanted to be with me forever. Just like your girlfriend...WHAT IS THAT?

    Truth is, she had tried to break up with me in person once. But I started crying and she took it back. Then she sent an e-mail a month later saying it was over.

    But, how did u deal with having few friends and being with your girl? For me and my ex, it was a problem. Neither of us has friend, so we just spent time together all the time. (We went to school together, ate together, slept together, etc). She later said that she felt I was stopping her from making new friends. That our relationship was intimidating to others, that it scared them away.... Did your girlfriend have other friends? How much time did u spend together a day?

    But.... here is the really painful part.... There are a million songs, a million movies, about heart ache, about breakups and relationships. But none of those, almost, talk about what happens if the pain never goes away. We're not told how to deal with that. What if you miss her even five years later? What if you miss her your entire life?

    But please, Josh, anyone: Tell me what to do!!! What can I do? I can't just forget. And the new relationship really only reminds me that she's gone. I'm shy, anxious, and depressed. I don't meet people easily. You don't meet someone you connect with immediately every day. What is there is no one else? What then?

    I want to ask her to give me a new chance. But I can't get a hold of her. She's blocked me from facebook. Doesn't reply to mails and phone calls. Because I've changed. That is another painful thing. All the things she disliked about me are gone, and I am now EXACTLY what she wanted.
    What is the.... way of dealing with this? What is the cure? What is the remedy?

    We were SO close... So connected. But now, she wouldn't care if I got cancer or anything. She was my everything, and now she is a stranger....

    Have you had other relationships?
  6. josh123

    josh123 Member

    yea i really dont understand how they can say in one second that they will be with you forever and then later on completely retract that statement. it still makes me wonder all the time but i havent seen her or talked to her at all in like two months. which it helps i guess and its just one of those things were in a relationship when it ends it usually never ends mutually theres always the person who is done with it and the other who holds on and takes forever to heal from it thats were we are at. in the past few days ive gotten very angry at her and honestly after what she as done to me i dont think that i could take her back not after leaving all these unanswered questions for me to figure out and didnt even give me a phone call after my wreck which im still recovering from i mean my ex really dosent give rats ass and its very selfish and dumb and mean for her to be that way. i believe she has wanted to do it for a while. but each day gets a bit better i stop caring as much and i get out and see there are other people better people out there like iv'e slept with other girls since her and sure its weird because is not her and that the thought of her being with another person kills me. she is like that so i doubt its happened and i could be wrong. but i met a girl whos is pretty sweet and nice and is an adult unlike the last one so i mean when i wrecked i told her and she was gonna come see me in the hospital that was an hour away and bring me food and i hadn't even met her yet. it shows there are other out there. and for you i think that the best way for you to get over it is to just let go its like my mother told me when all this took place people just change and theres nothing you can do about it im not being mean but im just saying. i believe in karma,fate,and everything happens for a reason. if you two were meant to be together then you guys would be together i honestly think that there is someone out there way better for you and when it comes you least expect it and you will see that that was the reason it eneded for you to find that person. as for now just dont tr contacting her try and form this relationship with who you are with now try and be happy with her shes there for a reason or she wouldn't be there the strength to forget comes within i mean look at it this way she shit all over you and made you miserable for this long do you really want someone in your life who does that and makes you feel that way or do you want a real deal girl who loves you the way you are i had to change to an extent for my ex and that just isnt love just stay strong she isnt right for you look at how bad she has hurt you and how bad mine has hurt me and they just dont care they left us out to dry we just have to say fuck them. And keep trucking on were young and have a lot of life to live im so mad at this point with how wrong ive been done that i just have tons of hate in my heart for her just keep your head up man
  7. Julien

    Julien Member

    There is a lot to read here, and I haven't read it all because it is late and I am tired, but AnrBjotkRaikjovskji, your story is my story! Ok, there are slight differences, but the strength of your feelings of love and rejection sound so familiar. I too love a stranger that I haven't seen in 5 years, the person who made me complete, the person I feel I should have been with for the rest of my life. I am left with a permanent emptiness inside. Like you, I also have a girlfriend who I love and is so special but who I know will never live up to me ex. I wander around town longing to bump into my ex, or just catching a glimpse of them through a crowd, but I also dread seeing them too as I know it would send me into the depths of despair. That feeling that my life has been lived and that I am just waiting to die is all too real. I died on the 29th December 2007, its just my body hasn't worked it out yet.
    I can't offer any advice my friend, just compassion and thanks to you for sharing, as I now know there is someone else in this World who understands. I will come back another time and have a look through all of the posts as I am sure there will be some useful information in there.

    I leave you with an extract from the poem In Memoriam:27 by Alfred Lord Tennyson, a man who obviously had never truly been in love :-

    I hold it true, whatever befall;
    I feel it, when I sorrow most;
    'Tis better to have loved and lost
    Than never to have loved at all.
  8. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    Hi Julien.

    It pleases me and pains me to hear yr story. Of course I never thought I was alone, and yet, there is no protocol for this event.
    The movies, the songs, the poems, they all ride on the idea that the pain passes after some time. But what if it doesn't?
    Like rare blood diseases it's something with no known cure, and any attempt seems like wild stabs in the dark.

    I thought for a long time that drugs and religion would help. And it did. The heroin made me think less of her, but the moment I ran out, she came flooding back and it was as if no time had passed at all; Or that time had passed and it shouldn't have. Submerging myself in religious studies, meditation and reading of Hindu scriptures, also helped, giving me some perspective and the realization that in the great scheme of things there are higher things... Or so I thought. Then I realize that these religions are all about 'true paths' and avoiding rebirth through right action, and the fear hits me: What if SHE was the true path? What if I'll have to be reborn time and time again, meeting her in every life until the life where she doesn't leave and I have fulfilled by destiny...

    I thought of her yesterday. Maybe it's the meditation or the mind awareness regime I've practised, but I realized it went like this:
    First the thought registers. I'm thinking of her again. How did my mind wander there?
    I'm feeling happy, a internal joy, she's close to me again...
    Then the melancholy. She's there, but she is not. Naturally. The image is there. Nothing more.
    Then the tidal waves of sorrow. I toss and turn mentally. I can't think of this. I can't take it. Too much. I got to get out of here.
    Then shock. Like rigor mortis. I'm stiff and paralyzed. She is really gone. And that is it.
    But that can't be so.
    So I shut off. I plug my ears, put on a movie. Think of anything else sad. Numb the pain.
    Repeat for eternity.

    I died 17 October 2009.
    I live for some rebirth, though I know none will come.

    "In all probability committing suicide would be the proper course, yet I find myself reluctant to take the final step. Periodically all through my life I've contemplated doing away with myself---either by jumping from a tall building or preferably shooting myself through the temple. At moments such as the present I find my existence overwhelmingly futile and know it is pointless to continue on when there can be no change.
    It is simply that I haven't the nerve. I lack the drive required to push myself over the brink. It is like all I do---at the crucial moment I fail. I am as negative as one can imagine and have always found it more difficult to finish even the simplest task if the opposition becomes even slightly evident. Certainly there can be no wrong in eliminating a nonentity.
    What is particularly strange to me is that---although I feel little other than loathing of myself and fully recognize my insignificance---and am weary---miserable---discouraged---and wish for death---way down inside something remains stubbornly alive."

    "Oh, I will try - must try to get away somehow. I could never bear pity - already I believe they pity me - and all is lost"

    - Herbert Huncke
  9. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    "Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
    Missing me one place search another,
    I stop somewhere waiting for you. "
  10. Israel Regardie

    Israel Regardie Active Member

    I feel so low right now... Can't remember being so low... I don't know what to do. Just keep thinking of her... What can I do?
    I can't take this anymore...