Had a sort of breakdown in class today. No one could tell and I was very discreet about how I was feeling, smiling and talking and laughing like normal, but I don't feel normal at all. I know some of my closer friends can definitely see what's going on but I don't feel comfortable enough to explain what's going on with me yet. I've only known them for a couple of years and I like and trust them but it's very hard to tell them my story. I talk more to my long distance friends about it and another close friend here who isn't in school with me. Lately school has been giving me anxiety. I've missed the past 2 classes and today I was so mentally a wreck that I couldn't even take my quiz. I just walked out while the rest of the class was taking it and took a 0. I'm behind in almost every class and I have no motivation or concentration to care or catch up. My apathy and lack of care is concerning me. I'm still SO suicidal. All day I keep thinking about how I don't want to be alive and that I wish I could just die. Over and over I find myself thinking, "I wish I could just not exist anymore." It pains me to feel so poorly about everything and unable to find joy for long periods of time. These suicidal thoughts can be so overbearing sometimes that I just want to break down and cry and usually I do. I still feel very lost.