Why can't I stop thinking about this?

[lightning05]

Had a sort of breakdown in class today. No one could tell and I was very discreet about how I was feeling, smiling and talking and laughing like normal, but I don't feel normal at all. I know some of my closer friends can definitely see what's going on but I don't feel comfortable enough to explain what's going on with me yet. I've only known them for a couple of years and I like and trust them but it's very hard to tell them my story. I talk more to my long distance friends about it and another close friend here who isn't in school with me.

Lately school has been giving me anxiety. I've missed the past 2 classes and today I was so mentally a wreck that I couldn't even take my quiz. I just walked out while the rest of the class was taking it and took a 0. I'm behind in almost every class and I have no motivation or concentration to care or catch up.

My apathy and lack of care is concerning me. I'm still SO suicidal. All day I keep thinking about how I don't want to be alive and that I wish I could just die. Over and over I find myself thinking, "I wish I could just not exist anymore." It pains me to feel so poorly about everything and unable to find joy for long periods of time. These suicidal thoughts can be so overbearing sometimes that I just want to break down and cry and usually I do. I still feel very lost.

 

[Unknown_111]

Hi, I saddened the way you feel. You must see a counsellor as the pain you are going through will not get better. I am not trying to be horrible but realistic based on my own experience. You have to remain strong and try to move forward with the help us and people who can help you.

Keep posting as we really care about you.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

Hun, I am sorry you had such a bad day s you*

Have you talked to the school about your issues and your anxiety? Maybe you could work with them on some coping strategies? If you explain to them what happened with that test, and perhaps your therapist could write them a note to back you up, could you retake the test?

What if school allowed you to leave the room for a few minutes if you start feeling anxious? Just to go outside for a few minutes and get yourself back 'under control' by getting some fresh air into your lungs?

This happened to me in school too... way before I was having any therapy or help. I had a talk with my favourite teacher, mostly because I struggled with homework on time... I didn't dare skipping school though, so I endured as much as I could (I came to our version of college (our system is different here) with a record of skipping most of year 9... and they might have kicked me out for the slightest tendency to skip)... It wasn't the right thing to do, but I spent the most difficult classes writing poetry, short stories or even novels to keep me there... and it looked like I was taking notes. But no, don't do that. I missed out on a lot... I was lucky to have a high IQ, if not I would have been way, way behind.

 

[lightning05]

@Unknown_111 I am in counseling right now and my counselor knows what's going on with me.

The school that I am in now is almost like a trade school so I'm in a specialized program. There are only about 25 people in my program and I've had the same teachers for the past year and a half. They are very understanding and do know what is going on, just not all the details. They don't know I am suicidal and depressed but they know I am having personal issues right now and am not at my best. Even with skipping that quiz I still have an A in the class and all of my classes. This program is much "easier" to me than the last schooling I did, so I am actually not concerned about my grades. I am more concerned about my lack of wanting to be around people and just not caring. I feel very spaced out in there and very uncomfortable. Even trying to do work at home - I just can't focus. That's what leads to the anxiety. I feel like I don't belong sometimes even though everyone is very nice to me. Luckily we are allowed to go in and out of the classroom so that's not an issue. I'm just very unhappy and uncomfortable with my own feelings.. Like you, @ThePhantomLady , I am lucky to have already had difficult schooling and sharp enough to stay afloat, but it still is a bad situation.