Why can't it be as easy as just wishing not to wake up in the morning?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TooShyToScream, Feb 4, 2011.

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  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I'm in pain. I put my mom in pain again by trying to force her to understand BPD and Social Anxiety even though she can't (I mean she understands they exist, I think, but not how they affect me and why exactly). I don't want to keep trying to make her understand something that she just can't. And I know she wants to. I know she's not doing it on purpose. I know it hurts her because she knows I'm in pain and she can't help me. I know how badly she wants to take it away, being my mother. Because of this, part of me doesn't feel like I should keep forcing her. Maybe I should just let it go and pretend like everything's okay in order to not worry her anymore. But I don't want to end up dead one day either all of a sudden and not have her understand why and then blame herself. That's why I want her to help keep me alive. But she doesn't understand how big of a deal it is. I swear, I keep trying. And its not like she doesn't care, she does and she loves me. But she can't see things from my point of view enough to help me no matter what I say. Maybe if I told her I had an attempt all planned out last year, she'd listen. Or maybe if I tell her I visit a suicide forum every day. Or that I found another way to kill myself and sometimes contemplate it. I could tell her these things...but they'd hurt her, so I can't. I wish she'd just believe me without me telling her that. I wish I could die in my sleep tonight and not have to kill myself. I just want this all to be over sometimes. My stomach hurts and I feel nauseous...and it's not even from drugs today, just straight up stress. I've been crying for the past hour. Please, please just let me die in my sleep tonight. Don't make me do this anymore. I can't...
  2. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You can! And I'm hoping you'll be here tomorrow to at least say that you recognise that things can change.

    I think that with depression, sometimes we can overwhelm loved ones. Many do this and as an extreme example I witnessed a poor lady carer today with some middle aged lady pretty much shouting out the story of her life. The carer with her, I felt an empathy as you could see she was looking tired and put out. Nobody batted an eyelid though. A few smiled but it was obvious that there was an illness.

    Your lucky in that you're articulate, intelligent enough to be able to understand your own issues. What might be harder for is understanding how your mum feels. I'm picking up that she is a good lady - she cares for you, but she is not a mental health professional and maybe you overwhelm her with 'technical' talk - or expect a bit too much in that department. Sounds like you are close to her as you would never open up on personal matters like you have.

    I'm sure she understands the basics of depression, and like many folk perhaps she will always kind of try and look on a bright side - sometimes that seems like folk are belittling the condition, but its just people being nice and offering all that most unqualified people can offer. Bear in mind with some depression and mental illness the position of parents is extremely difficult.

    Some may well say "you've got to get over it', or her, or him or whatever tangible reasons we have to feel down. In a way they are right - at the end of the treatment for any illness we have to do this.

    Trouble is its not as easy as broken leg. Not as predictable as a broken hip or heart conditions and so on. Either way, it can be healed.

    Sometimes its more about what is happening around you than what is going on inside. Its always partly down to how we think about ourselves. Your mum like mine would encourage us to think more positive. I know sometimes we CANNOT do this - but maybe you have things to tidy up, rooms to hoover and messages to get from the shops.

    Try to talk to your mum about normal things. Listen to her. Make a nice cup of tea and maybe bring out the treats and have a nice chat.

    Sometimes depression might well entail you having to put on a brave face. I'm not saying hold things in - that is not what you and your mum have between you. She is a friend as well as a mother, but she is not your generation and her understanding of depression will be about 1% of what you actually know.

    What she will know, regardless of what you feel right now, is that life can be beautiful.

    I hope you can make the small changes which can usher in a new era in which you can cope with your condition. That can be done, no question.

    Make sure you look after your mother.

    For her, as long as your alive there IS hope. If you took your own life, her life would be worse than over.

    You are a young women with a life ahead of you.

    Do something tomorrow even if its taking a nice walk somewhere. Buy your mum a cheap box of chocolates and write a little note on it thanking her for being a mother who cares. You are blessed there - and it seems like you feel comfortable with her.

    My prayers, good luck and best wishes.
  3. the_only_one

    the_only_one Well-Known Member

    your mom probably understands but doesnt want to. i told my two best friends about my depression one of theem is just like oh its no big deal your just sad. but one understands it and its worring her sick. you mom is probably like the second one but is trying not to make you worry as much. at least you can talk with your mother. i cant
  4. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  5. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I love my mother to death, but it hurts that she can't help me because she brought me into this world, not by my own choice. So I feel like it's her responsibility to help me survive in it. I can't be left on my own to do that with something that I don't have enough experience/capability to handle on my own (mental illness). What if I didn't have my fiance and went through all of this every day? I KNOW I wouldn't be here by now. I get that she's from a different generation, but she should know that generations change, culture and people change, and you need to keep up with these changes throughout your lifetime. I try to help her keep up as best as I can, but she's staying in the past. I can deal with that...for now...as long as I have my fiance. But if I ever lose him, I'm dead. It's that simple. I can't just 'get over' something that my brain refuses to get over. It doesn't work like that. So if I end up in an amount of pain that I can't handle with the coping resources that I have...it's simply not going to work out.
  6. mrbizle

    mrbizle Member

    I wish every night before i go to sleep that the next morning just wont come - but it always does. I think your mother does care and even understand. She will be acting in a way that she thinks is best for you and your future. In what way do you think she does not understand how serious it is? how would you expect her to show that she knows how serious it is?? These are important things!
  7. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Well, my family is from Ukraine, and my mom doesn't understand English perfectly, so I showed her Wikipedia's article on Borderline Personality Disorder in Russian. She said she read it and understood it, but if that's the case, I don't understand how she doesn't have any questions at all for me. Some of the symptoms for this disorder include self-harm and suicidal thoughts/attempts. If my kid said they were diagnosed with something that had symptoms like that, my first thought would be "are they safe? Have they attempted to hurt or kill themselves before?" If she asked me, I would have told her that yes, I have. But she didn't care to ask, and I just don't understand why. Why isn't she worried about this? Does she think that I can't possibly be suicidal unless it's for attention or what? She never asked me how any of those symptoms affect me, what I get stressed out about on a daily basis, etc. If I told her the things that I find particularly upsetting or difficult to do, she wouldn't understand, or offer advice, or sympathize. All she'd do is tell me I'm wrong in handling things the way I handle them (even though there's no other way right now), and tell me how I always make mistakes and never listen to her, etc etc. if I told her I took my fiance's suboxone or smoked weed to feel better, she'd never understand. Even if I tell her how I feel miserable and absolutely can't sleep at night or get up in the morning when I finally do get so tired that I just pass out, it still wouldn't be a good enough reason for her, and I'd be the bad guy for trying to help myself get through the damn day. I don't get high because it's fun, I get high to escape my reality and just calm the fuck down once in a while. I just wish that she'd ask me how my day is going and not judge me for the answer I give, but be understanding about it, acknowledge the fact that drugs are my last resort and if she doesn't want me doing them, help me find something else that works you know? I want her to stop thinking that she knows everything, and just believe me for once because times change and what she thinks she knows from the past isn't true anymore. But she thinks that just because she's the parent she knows everything and I know nothing. Can't get up in the morning? Just get over it and do it anyway. Can't handle being around and talking to people because it makes you so anxious you start crying in public? Get over it, you need to be social and get things done. You feel depressed or can't sleep? Just calm down and do it anyway. You're diagnosed with two serious personality disorders? Who cares? You don't need a psychiatrist, you don't need to be medicated..it's all bullshit. You just need to build up your immune system (because obviously THAT helps mental illness). Those are her responses and she thinks she's totally correct in giving me them. She doesn't realize this could kill me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2011
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It sounds like she is in denial..Have you thought about therapy?? They can teach you coping skills..It helps to have someone to talk to in person who understands..In the mean time you have us.. We are good listeners and offer advice.. Some good and some bad... Please don't harm yourself, talk to us and vent all you need to..
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